Michael Jackson

(Warning, going to rant here a bit, just need to vent)

I keep seeing people complaining about the news coverage about his death, and the complaining is more annoying to me than the coverage honestly. Think about it, this tops in terms of size and viewers the marriage of Princess Diana and Live Aid. There isn't anyone alive i can think of, much less other entertainers, that comes close. Not even mentioning how much he changed the music industry and music videos the way he did. I've never been a huge fan, only really owned Thriller, but just hearing pretty much any song of his reminds me of being young, brings back feelings of those times, good and bad.

Don't even get me started on the trial. Okay, i'm started anyway. I watched a lot of it on court tv and read the testimonies, and besides the fact that he was acquitted, all the accusations read like an adult putting words into what they thought a kid spoke like. Almost baby talk, or like when an older person uses slang to sound "hip". Just didn't ring true to me, and i had no care if he was guilty or not. I also keep seeing people say "But he was such a freak, of course he did something.", and after having been called a freak more often than i care to remember it annoys me even more. "Just look at him!", of course he looked different, so he must have been guilty since he didn't look like you. Never mind the fact that more than likely had a bad surgery that the rest were trying to fix, even though you never can, and his skin condition (vitiligo) problaby made him want to even it out, not to mention feel like the freak that people were calling him. Why did he pay the people accusing him? My feelings, since he was acquitted, he felt bad the way the child was used (and abused) by the parents and wanted to make it up him the only way he could, with money. Don't forget, all you have to do is accuse someone of child abuse, then they have to prove they didn't do anything, more so for an easy target like him. Abused people (which he suffered, although not sexual from what i know) tend towards certain trends that are pretty easy to see if you know what to look for, some go hypersexual others asexual. Some become abusers and others lifelong victims. There are middle grounds, but usually those come through long therapy that the person knows they need. But hey, he was such a freak right?

I'm tired of people trying to knock the talented people down, if you want to do that go for the horrible people like Jon and Kate, Paris Hilton, and those ilk. Who have no accomplishments other than being famous for being famous or taking fertility drugs. If you really want to accomplish something, try to be as talented and famous as Michael. Do something to make the world a better place, or at least your corner of it. Do something ground breaking, redefine an area of expertise, make an impact. Don't just latch onto someone or something else and try to rip it apart or make it your claim to fame. Don't just say you will or pretend you're special, but actually put all your will into it, and if you fail at this, know it and understand it. Have humility about it and yourself.

Maybe i'm just sick of people in general, with so many thinking being a sociopath is cool or fun, and not looking at anything other than what they want.

Could be worse

Whenever i get down on myself, i have to remember, i could have it much worse. I've got a home, five awesome bunnies that no one will take from me, and a good family. Yeah, i've got health issues that keep bugging me, and the economy being in the dumps isn't helping things in general, but i need to keep reminding myself of the good, like these two poopers being happy together. ;)

Brain dump

Yes, i know i'm probably using that phrase wrong, i just don't care. It fit what i am feeling.

Nothing special is going on really, just feeling the need to express feelings and thoughts that seem to be filling up my brain too much.

Something that has been driving me crazy is that i've lately been having these dreams that just won't stop. I'm back in my house in LaCrosse and Jodi is there, having had faked her death due to having testify against those people who hurt her, and even though most people are mad at her for doing that, i have forgiven her even though it hurt. I know this is all crap that i need to get rid of, but waking up sucks. I have a little while where i'm happy, and then realize it's just a dream. Wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't so vivid and real feeling. I am really hating this time of year. To distract myself, i've been attempting to clean more, got part of the kitchen all done, and did a lot of work with crap on the deck. It was bad. To make a long story short, i had set up screens on the deck, to keep the bunnies from squeezing through the uprights, when they used to play out there. Since there have been bunnies in the area spotted with Shopes Papilloma virus, i have decided it is safer to not let them out there. They didn't really seem to enjoy being out there. I know some of them had been abandoned outside before they were found by the humane society and found a better home here. Jerry in particular hates being outside, even though he loves to sit in the window. He would get big eyes and just hunker down, not really explore or anything, and only get happy again when brought back inside. So anyway, i cleaned the deck, and moved stuff around. Along with checking out the plants that i can't really do much with as i'm allergic to them, but they are all doing great. The very abundant rain (after quite a drought) has made them all very green and ready to unleash a ton of pollen, which i am also allergic to. Did i mention i'm allergic to a lot, except bunnies? ;)

Totally unrelated (sort of), Jerry is running laps around the house. He comes in the kitchen, goes back into the library, into the hall, and repeats. Silly pooper. Amanda follows him, but then sees me and thumps at me. She loves me, but is so grumpy. ;)

Have i also mentioned i can't sleep? This is going to be a problem in a week, starting a photography class that starts at 8am, and is on the third floor, and i have been having issues with my back again, so that will be fun. :P

I probably should have warned that this was a rambling mess of nothing. ;)

in a weird place

I hate this time of year. Remembering jodi, the last time i saw and talked to her, the good times that will never be again. I don't know why anniversaries have that effect on me, especially with deaths, but they do. I keep expecting to see her icon pop up in the IM window, and even though i know i won't, it still throws me that i can't chat with her again. Was nice to have some to talk to that was right on the same wavelength most of the time. Not having to explain things, or worry about what i talked about, because no matter how out there she would listen and probably have a similar thing to share. Somedays i go back and read the past chats, as my chat client saves chats to a log, and i feel like i'm back in those times. Even though it does kind of break my heart all over again. I know suicide isn't an easy option, and for those who know me know how i know that personally, having tried several times, but i still want to find a way to fix it. I would have done anything for her, more so if it would have kept her alive, even if it would have been harder for her to not do it. I don't know where this is going, just lot of stuff on my mind, with no way to really do anything about it. Maybe all the stuff also going on with my Dad and his heart attack has me thinking a lot about it, i'm tired of losing those i care deeply about, although thankfully my dad is healing nicely, and expects to golf in a week or so. I'm really wishing i had someone like Jodi that i could talk to about all this, which is kind of ironic if you think about it. 

Decided to try and take a summer class here, there is a short digital photography class, even though i probably already know most of what will be taught. Not the most intensive, short two or three week class, but might be good for getting me out there, meeting people, and trying new (although how new me doing photography is, lol) things. We'll see. Hopefully it goes good. 

The week from hell

This has been a week i could do without. Not even joking. 

Last weekend, my car decided to go and act up. Engine light went on, couldn't accelerate up hills, and felt like it was going to die on me. Got it in tuesday (the soonest i could) and after a nine hour wait at the garage for it to get fixed, and man did it get fixed. It also cost near two grand. So much new though it is almost a new car. So i was relieved about that, but then the next day i get worse news. My dad had a heart attack while golfing. The last few days have been worried calls with family, and keeping track of his progress. He had blockage in two areas that needed stents, over 90% in both, but the doctors had a good report afterwards, seems he will be right back to golfing soon. I do think he is in better health than me, him being over 80, me not. So getting relived there, but then today my main back up of itunes and photo backup decides to act up. The drobo i have, which has been working flawlessly, decides to crap out. Keeps disconnecting, and i have to fight it to get it back. Wouldn't be so bad, but out goes my main storage with those on it. So all i have is what is on the drobo, but i can't get it off as it keeps going away every few minutes. Not even enough to get 100mb off at a time, and when you have a tb or more, that isn't going to work. So yeah, great fucking week. The bunns are still good though, so that's something, even though Jerry really, really didn't want me to try to clip his nails. 

A good thing is that i did see Star Trek friday, after a week of one thing after another preventing me, and i enjoyed it. So now i'm just waiting to see if something good or bad is going to come up. Hopefully good. 

insomnia is the devil.

Yes, the devil. Not "a" devil. "The" Devil. At least that is how it feels the past few days. I'm either sick, or most likely going through vicodin withdrawal. Lovely. I'm not a pill popper, but a while back i messed up my back carrying laundry down the stairs and falling on the stairs, so the doc gave me a prescript. I didn't take even one a day, but they helped me sleep though the back pain. The a couple weeks ago i get an emergency root canal, and the doc gives me another prescription for it, this time extra strength. That's about two months or more i've been using it off and on. I've got to say it was nice to be able to sleep through the night, and was actually a pretty good anti-depressant. Oddly though, it only mildly helped the pain. Although now i've the annoying withdrawal symptoms, mostly insomnia, worse than i normally do that is. I'm lucky if i get an hour or two sleeping, with the dreams i get when sick, those that repeat and make no sense. So i'm not really rested at all afterwards, just more tired and sore, but unable to sleep. I knew people who had gotten into hard drugs like heroin from things like this, and it never ended well, and i'd rather suffer through this than go that way. So there's that at least, it could be worse. I just don't have to enjoy it. 

Grumble bunny

Got a message from my parents yesterday that sounded pretty scary, about the health of my dad, so i talked to them and found he may have had a heart attack or something similar. He had chest pain, with pressure, but not the arm stuff and all that. A couple of years ago right around Christmas (like the day or two before) he had a "silent heart attack", which freaked me out. I love my parents, and don't want anything bad to happen to either of them. I guess that goes without saying, but even though we are kind of like apples and oranges politically and such, they are good and i worry about them. I know that since my dad is around 84 or so that health things will pop up more, but it's funny, he's probably in better health than me. Walks miles a day, golfs, is very active and even though he sometimes puts it off, he does go to the doctor regularly and isn't one to ignore things when they pop up. I'd almost expect me to have one before he does, too much sitting on my ass all day, but the back pain doesn't help there i guess. (viscous circle) Side note here, i really should get a new answering machine, that one is somewhere nearing a decade or so. Kind of a kick in the ass really, here everyone is talking swine flu, and this happens. Hmm... Speaking of swine flu, i'm torn. I've heard people before not understand that flu can kill you, saying "but it's just the flu" like it's nothing. Yes, you will most likely be fine, but you can't breathe with stuff in your lungs. Somewhere north of 30,000 people die by the normal flu every year, and what, we're in the double digits only (world wide) for swine flu? Another side note, i heard a high up in the pentagon say that 30,000 deaths in a conflict is when people start to turn against it, talking about Iraq and past conflicts. He said it didn't matter how many of the other side you kill, just that if 30,000 of yours die then people start to go against it. Weird eh? Personally i'm against war, but know we as a species are stupid and stubborn. Bunnies are stubborn, but only in the "i don't wanna go home, i wanna play" way. 

On a brighter note, i may have some pictures in the local paper, yay! I was taking those Unity in the Community photos and a lady came up to me and asked me if i was getting good ones. She asked if they could use them in the paper and i said if any turn out sure. Turns out she was like the head of the chamber of commerce and thought the pictures i sent were great. The paper only prints once a week, so since i think it was too late for this week, i won't see until next week. I kind of (really not so much as kind of but a lot) needed that, was kind of feeling my photography was sucking. It could be what i mostly photograph isn't what most people want, being bunnies, insects, and nature. 

Drobo, Unity in the Community, monkey pox

Got my Drobo today, yay! Now all i need are more drives, poo. Got two empty 500gb ones i popped in to get it set up, but i have way more than that i need to get on there. I also have a 1tb with my iTunes library on and photos backed up so i can't quite put it in there yet, so the plan is to get another 1tb drive, pop it in, move the stuff over, then put the full 1tb drive in. That way i can eventually upgrade the 500gb drives, probably 1tb to 2tb drives depending on cost when i get around to it. It's nice to not have to worry about maker or size really, main reason i got one as i have had no luck with traditional raids. :P Sadly getting new tech makes me want to keep getting new tech, lol. Retail therapy probably. Oh well.

Went to the Unity in the Community wednesday, it was interesting and kind of fun. My back decided to act up at one point, but not too bad. Something that bugged me to no end was the comments in the local paper, so many grumpy and angry people. I'd even wager racist and homophobic too, from what some said. Yeah, the town itself is pretty homogenous, but with the university i've met several interesting people from many different countries i didn't know went here. Some people just need to get out more i think, and maybe stop listening to FOX all the time. I got some pretty neat pictures, and put them up on my flickr, although i'll probably be putting some up on the River Falls Daily Photo blog i do. It did show me that i need a better all around lens though, one that can go from wide to more telephoto. I had a 28-90mm that i used, but at f5.6 or so it just couldn't do fast enough without a flash or too high an iso. (i could be totally wrong, and just not sure how, but i'm looking at a decent upgrade there, so shush) My best lenses are the macro ones, and i don't think people in situations like that want me that close to them, lol.

You're going to laugh. Last night i went to sleep. Woke up a few hours later feeling ill. Thought i was going to throw up, started panicking i had swine flu. Sigh. I know better, i know it's treatable. I know i don't have it. I haven't left the area in what feels like ages, much less Mexico. Sometimes my brain just doesn't work like i expect it to. Sigh...

What do i get up to at night??

One of these days, i'm going to set up a video camera to record while i sleep. I often wake up really sore and tense like i've been in a marathon or something, but don't think i've been out of bed. I could be totally wrong though, when i was younger i used to sleep walk, a lot. At a hotel in Toronto when i was a young teen or so i (from what my mom told me) almost walked off a balcony several stories up and didn't even know where i was. She said she woke up feeling i was in trouble and checked on me, found me about to climb over the railing, and when she told me to come in i was just like "okay." and went right back into the bed. I don't think i've slept walk in years though, when i've been with someone they never mentioned that, only grinding my teeth and tossing and turning a lot. Speaking of tossing and turning, i woke up several times when i was younger literally bound in my sheets, unable to move, and upside down hanging off the foot of the bed. So yeah, it might be nice to know what i'm doing while i sleep.

Can't sleep

First off, a warning, this is a rambling post, i can't sleep, took my pain killers, and want to ramble to get this stupid mind to shut up. Yep, i do this for me, so i don't mind if anyone doesn't read or if they do. So yeah. 

Surprise, surprise, i can't sleep. My mind just won't shut up. About what i'm not exactly sure, but it keeps wandering to stupid shit. For example, take this stupidity, i have been preparing to get a Drobo to prevent loosing data (side note, the drive that "died" with my music on it, came back alive, wtf? i'm 99% sure that sucker had a head crash too) so i've been backing shit up on a 1tb drive which will join three other 1tb drives in there. (getting the four drive one, even though i'd love the biggest one) What knocked my socks off is how in the fuck did i acquire 608gb of music and video?? (almost all legally too, i'm sure the video is most of that, with the high def tv shows gotten off of itunes adding to a lot), still, that's a shit load of stuff. Currently at 162gb of photos too, yikes, i've taken almost 30,000 photos. It boggles. (and i'm sure swearing a shit load, lol. probably because the pain killers are kicking in, lol) So i'm going to be glad i will have a good back up for the photos in case a hard drive kicks it, instead of the many, many dvds (you do the math, at 4gb or so a dvd, and 162gb to back up). I'm sad i did loose a hd once that had baby bunny pictures of francis, but i had printed out some, so i have those (baby bunny, cutest thing in the world). I'm also seeing how good and bad it is to have pictures of exs. Good in that my memory is crap (had a good idea about how immortals would only have a memory of ten to twenty years to keep from going mad, kind of a short story idea, but not sure where to go with it, something like they would end up as crazy seeming homeless or something) so it's nice to see them, (and many were hotties, sadly not all the photos of many of the earlier ones though) but it takes me back thinking about what went wrong. So many times me, just being stupid or something, or them just growing out of love or whatever. I counted, fifteen official girlfriends, and thankfully i remember each of their names (spellings on some, not so much, odd spellings and such) and not even counting the ones who probably wanted to date me (i can be really, really dense when being flirted with, as i've been told many times before, and if i admit it, i didn't quite believe they would like someone like me) and i honestly loved each and every one. Even if my stupid fear of abandonment took over and pushed the person away. You have no idea how glad i am that that got (mostly) taken care of, mostly with finding out what went on as a child and why i repressed that much. (even if i don't really remember it clearly, it explains a lot of where my thoughts come from and all that shit) Here's a stupid thing, i don't know if it's the meds, but i'm breaking out like a teenager, ugh, and that stupid obsession i have won't let me leave them alone, i keep picking at them. And then i'll pick at the scabs. Sigh... I probably look like a meth head, but you know, fat. Yeah, that's attractive, lol. It's funny (and this is a weird diversion) i'm normally kind of a hypochondriac (not officially, more jokingly, me and an ex joked that i always had monkey pox, so over the top it was unlikely), so it's funny i'm kind of annoyed at the whole coverage of the swine flu thing. Yeah, people being dead and all that, but the odds of a civilization ending pandemic? The big one during WW1 killed many, many millions, and there was a world war, and humanity is even more than it was then. Not to mention all the nutjobs coming out saying it is terrorism (most likely cause reported so far is the industrial farms, where this always ends up coming from) and wanting to build a wall around Mexico. And i wonder why people always seem to let me down (not always true, but in general, it seems so more than not). Speaking of ranty, this is starting to sound so. :P

On a brighter note

It seems i haven't had a migraine in a good while. (crosses fingers) So while i've had a root canal, back injury, stomach trouble, and a visit or two to the urgent care, i haven't had a migraine. ;)

Midlife crisis?

I'm probably using it wrong, but i'm kind of feeling it. I was going through my iPhoto library and tagging photos of people, and it was kind of making  me think of the past and people from it. I'm a bit of a broken record on this count, friends who died, like seeing pictures of them and remembering the good times, but then it hits me that i will never have those again with them. I know it's not all about me, but i'm the one in my head, and not in others, and my life is the only one i really have control over, so yeah. Then there are the exs that kept saying how they didn't want to ever get married or have kids, and now are one or both. Even ones i stayed friends with, it's kind of frustrating. I know i'm not perfect, and definitely have my quirks, but then i see people who are horrible people who have families. Good times. It's a good thing i have hobbies, but hobbies only go so far. Hell, part of the main reason i babble on the blogs is too talk about things. I talk to the bunnies, but they just kind of look at me like "yeah, yeah, now about the treats?" 

So along the lines of midlife crisis, i might need a sports car, or more my style, one of these. Yes, i realize it would probably keep me from getting a date even more, but i'm starting to not care what others think of me (even if it would probably be correct)

insomnia and the future

So i'm sitting here upstairs in the computer room, where it's humid and probably too warm (put over six computers in a room together and it tends to get warm, one winter when i was running them a lot, i kept the window open and it never got under 70F, ugh. It was below zero that time). Why i'm writing here, i don't know. What i'm saying, i don't know either. I just can't sleep lately, well, not true, i sleep, only when i'm exhausted and have had a second vicodin and other meds. I don't look forward to the dreams i have been having, or the waking up and realizing where life is either. Although i do look forward the bunns, that's a good thing. I used to look to the future with a bit of wonder, the realm of possibility, where anything can happen. Lately it seems it's more i see the future as a place where even more people i care about will die or leave, more doctor visits, and more people letting me down (not those close, but people as a species). I haven't posted a picture on any of the blogs lately as i just haven't been able to get up the motivation to do anything really. Most of what gave me please in life just doesn't seem to have a point, it's like being on a treadmill, going nowhere but knowing you're going nowhere and all that work doesn't mean a thing. God, where did my passion go? Was it so many people i care about passing? I looked up to them, saw them as more talented and stronger than me, yet there they went. If they couldn't make it, what chance do i have? Although i have kept going, not really by choice, but oh well. 

Probably doesn't help that my birthday is in a couple weeks, 39, one year to 40. Ugh... Not looking forward to that in the least. Never really thought i would make it to 30, so that's something. Even though the last decade has been a wash, zero progress, not counting the bunnies, which are the only good thing those years. It's like any progress gets erased not long after, but with more a push back. Sort of like, here is a +1, then later, but you also get this -2, too bad. Just feeling impossible to get back to the positive. I know all the different thoughts, that this is temporary, life is loss, that sort of thing. I have no idea how to see that though. I can see there is more to the world than "this", the universe just keeps rubbing my face in it. 

I think it's time i took that bath i thought about a little while ago, and read more. That seems to get my mind off things, at least a little. 

:P

Haven't updated in ages

Jikes, just looked at the last updated date and it's been ages (over a month only really) since i have written anything. Mostly just because i've been having a long, long run of bad luck, and it's times like that i really don't feel like writing about crappy things and thoughts and feelings. Still kind of riding the wave of bad luck, without a clear way out of it, but oh well. 

What's been up? I've gotten off Cymbalta, it wasn't really helping and i was on it mostly to prevent the withdrawal symptoms, which were hellish and long lived. I seriously wonder how much testing went into it, and why they think the benefits outweighed the drawbacks, at least for me. 

I had a computer in the kitchen, and it was giving me troubles beyond annoyance. Every so often at random, it would "enter power save mode". I ran memtest, fine. Thought it was a loose cord, nope, that only fixed it for a day or so. Now it's back  in the computer room with it's friends, and hasn't done it since. Ah well, technology is weird. 

Bunns are awesome. Was worried about Emily who was seeming sick, but more likely than not she has allergies, she tested fine and is back to "normal", as normal as she can be that is. Heh. Those fuzzy poopers are the best antidepressant i have, really.

in the rhyme or reason

Somewhere i had read a while ago that touch was important to the development of pretty much all creatures. More so in the early years, but even in day to day to connect with others. Maybe that's why i'm feeling less connected to people and actually starting to loath most people. I definitely am feeling more and more misanthropic it seems, where besides friends i just want people to leave me alone. Actually, that's not true, i want them to be better than they are, not the flawed annoying ones who do stupid things. (not talking friends there, but the random people) I used to be a pretty empathic person, caring more about them, and such. (although that came after going through a lot of searching and working, long story, maybe someday i'll go into that, or not) I still reach out to people, like check out people, just trying to see if there is anything going on there other than the mechanical doing their job thing, thoughts, emotions, that sort of thing. Rarely seems to happen. Something along those lines i've never understood, if you are just there to do that and such, don't ask how someone is doing or similar questions if you don't really care. I know you are just making small talk. Sometimes i just have to see, so i answer truthfully, and sometimes it sparks something, but not often. Lots of dead behind the eyes people out there. Maybe it's the stores, or timing, or something, but a lot of people don't seem to have something going on behind the eyes, or i'm loosing that. My empathy seems to be moving more towards animals and such, being who i am spending more time with and learning from. Kind of sad that my most human contact comes from getting haircuts and tattoos, at least for the past four or five years, with one exception that caused me to withdraw more than it did to open me up, but that's a long story too. I know others have it worse, for longer, but for so long i had used that contact, even just emotional contact, to help connect me to other people and care about them. It used to be one of my biggest fears to be alone, i used to even have night terrors about that as a child that repeated in odd ways, and i hadn't quite figured out why. I'm starting to, i think at least. I could be totally wrong that is. I could just be clawing at the darkness trying to grab another's hand and not be forced to suffer alone. Trying hard to find the good to keep my spirits up, thankfully the bunnies help, they are honest and sincere. 

Just got reminded of something from Shadow of a Doubt that kind of relates:

"You go through your ordinary little day, and at night you sleep your untroubled ordinary little sleep, filled with peaceful stupid dreams. And I brought you nightmares. Or did I? Or was it a silly, inexpert little lie? You live in a dream. You're a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? Do you know the world is a foul sty? Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you'd find swine? The world's a hell. What does it matter what happens in it?"

Must have been grumpy

Sorry if i offended anyone with the last post, i've just been in a grumpy mood, and i can't blame it on the weather since i'm so damn nordic blooded. I'm not exactly a huge fan of the cold, but my mother always told me she was always surprised how i didn't seem to mind the cold the way others did. Not sure where that comes from other than what my genetics supposed to be. (lots of unsureness there from what i'm told, good times, ugh) Anyway, i am more a spring person, nothing like the smell of green coming up, snow melting, life coming back, the whole sensations of smell and taste and sound. I could live in spring forever, if not for the allergies. That is murder. Allergies suck, and seem pretty damn pointless. Yep.

Got a gift from my parents today, a gift from Harry and David, nice fruit and other treats. Kind of nice getting yummy things, and i have to give kudos to the mailman, they left it at the post office instead of letting it freeze in the truck. Sadly that meant driving in the snow, where people felt the need to tailgate me non-stop. Thankfully no one hit me, but there were slick spots. Do people still not know how to drive in winter? I guess not.

Cleaned the library area a bit, still have over half my books to put into the database, and sort. Piles of books everywhere. That's more than enough work, but at least the area is more clean. Speaking of stuff like that, i have been having these dreams where i have moved into another house, one was back into the old house in laCrosse, for some reason. Another was this awesome 80s style crossed with art deco type house, about three times the size of this one and oddly where someone killed themselves and the parents of the person kept visiting. There was also this awesome pond type thing out back. How come houses in dreams are just so much cooler than ones in real life? (Stupid question, it's a dream, duh) Maybe if i ever take over the world, i'll build one of these.

Not a whole lot thrilling going on really, same old same old. Yippie.

Yep, it's cold

If i hear one more person call global warming a fraud just because it's cold out, i'm going to go postal. I'm thinking they just don't know how global warming works, but then i just get sick of the stupidity and want to snap. They also go on a rant about Al Gore, for some stupid reason. If it's too cold for you here, you are a wimp and should move somewhere it doesn't get so cold. (for the record, it's -8F, -22C with a wind chill of -25F, -32C right now, supposed to be even colder later) Yes, it's cold, complaining about it and such is just as stupid as people who feel compelled to say "Cold enough for you?" and laughing like you've never heard it before. For the record, global (say it with me, global) warming results in changing weather patterns with more extremes and more violent weather, not having a warm winter. (i say this as someone who was going to school for meteorology and climatology. I just got bored with it if you were wondering) Grr... Just to put it in perspective, my parents who live in Florida and friends who live in Texas complain just as much that it's getting near 40F down there, and they all lived up here when it got colder. So you get used to whatever where you live. 

On to something a little less annoying for me, i've been drinking a bit. Not just today, but pretty much every night or every other night. This is big for me. I've usually drank once a year or twice if i was feeling frisky. For the record, they don't recommend drinking alcohol while on cymbalta, for various reasons you can read about there. I'm not sure what is making me want to really, other than i'm able to sleep decently, have decent dreams, be in less pain, and forget my troubles. When i say drinking, i'm really only talking about two white russians a night, and that gets me loopy. Before you say "lightweight", take a look at what alcohol does while on cymbalta. Good times. Tonight i tried a brandy alexander, and i know i'm not much a drinker as the whole alcohol taste just makes me cringe, so i end up going more of the cream into it (two to three times, same with the white russians, i'm a fruity drink drinker). Not the most thrilling story, but just something that i've been thinking about. 

Still up in the air about photography, feeling unskilled and untalented. Comes and goes, hopefully will go soon so i can get up a little more. Need something to get me going, not just photography, but in general. Most days i've been getting up, taking meds, sitting in front of computer for a little while checking the same sites, and then staring at the tv for a little while getting down and then hanging out with the bunnies trying to cheer up. Yep, that's my day. Thrilling. Some variations of course, but after a lot of let downs and rejections, it's getting hard even with the cymbalta to make the effort for fear of more of that. Not helping that X-Mass is coming up and everywhere you look it's "be happy!". :P

Woke up to God and found Venus De Milo

This day is dragging on like crazy. Feels like someone has taken time and stretched it out to twice what it normally is. Feels like days ago i woke up and did all that wake up stuff. Ugh... sort of like driving to Rochester, if you've ever driven that interstate stretch from LaCrosse to Rochester. Molly and i had always felt that it messes with time, it's not a long drive but it felt much, much longer. Perception and time are two odd creatures though, so who knows. Not me that's for sure. 

Stupid me again, went and ordered the wrong size IR filter. D'oh! My dyscalculia has a bad tendency to mess with how i see and remember numbers. You have no idea how bad phone numbers or such are for me to remember. Ugh. (since i'm on the subject, i also have been diagnosed with dysgraphia, which caused a huge amount of problems in school, oddly printing is what fixed that, if i try to write cursive, it's a lost cause) I'm pretty good with the ideas in math, just not the actual multiplication, division, addition or subtraction. Did pretty well in advanced math, but they let me use either a multiplication table or slide rule (funny fact, besides the teacher, i was the only one in the school who could use a slide rule, wish i could find my old one, probably at my parents house) Anyway, the IR filter, got a 55mm instead of a 58mm, but the 58 i ordered should be here sometime. None of my lenses are 55mm by the way. Grr... Thankfully i only paid about twenty bucks for it, so if i ever do get a 55mm one, it can pop on there. 

Speaking of photography, i'm still kind of in a funk with that. Probably because i have a tendency to look at people who have been doing it for almost as long as i've been alive, and saying then that i'm crap. Yeah, that probably doesn't help. These people get paid tons to do a simple shoot too, where i have yet to be paid for it, although i can say some of my photos have been published (thanks to Julia who put a couple photos of my bunnies i had taken and put in that Hesy magazine. I know, it's not actually "published", but it made me happy seeing them there for the world (or Finland) to see.) I keep thinking i need to practice more on people, but as was pointed out to me, "come down in my basement so i can photograph you" sounds pretty creepy. Although that is where i have the most open space and don't have a studio, it's like i'm a serial killer or something. Also being winter it's kind of hard to get any good outside shots with natural light as it's been fricking cold (around 10F, although today seems warm, 35F or so, with a blizzard on it's way. Yay) it's hard to want to spend much time out there. Maybe i'll just get it so i can nail the studio lighting on models (my anime figures) and such, and once i have no doubts about it then i can move on to people. Seems like the going rate is not to unreasonable if i can find someone who isn't creeped out by a shoot in my house, and basement no less. The more i think about it, the more i need to figure out what to do to make a good studio space. I can never have enough rooms it seems. ;)

Now i'm just waiting until it's closer to movie night time, which hopefully is on, otherwise this day may never end. 

One time one place

I'm in kind of a funk, with doubts about myself and my abilities, all that. I had one of those "duh" moments yesterday when i went out to photograph things, almost a "had the lens cap on" type thing, but more about total over-exposure. Today i went out and picked up some tools to help with my learning lighting and photography more (saw horses, lights, and a charger to replace the one that apparently now lives in the ether. Maybe i'm just doubting myself too much, but no mater what i do, i think it's crap, and bad crap at that. Probably not the best times to try new things, as it would probably turn out crap as my mind is going there anyway. I don't know, this is never a great time of year for me, Sun God always getting dead, spring seeming so far away, that sort of thing. I don't mind the snow so much, it's when it's cold and there isn't snow, seems colder then for some reason. I just never know what to do outside, and as i've said too many times, people get stupid out on the roads. Thankfully i ordered a couple IR filters to try my hand at IR photography. Not going to mod the cameras yet, i don't mind long exposures, maybe once (if) i get a 5D mark 2 i will do the oldest of them, but you can only shoot IR then with it, so it's a one way trip (where you have to gut the thing to do it, so not lightly done). Who knows, maybe i'll hate IR photography, or i'll love it. I need something to inspire me, big time. I really need a muse, anyone have one to spare? Guess they aren't just lying around for free. I'm kind of feeling like just chucking it all away, like i'm never going to be good at it, and should just give up. I get that way sometimes. Hopefully it stops soon and i get better. 

Ever have one of those dreams where you haven't thought about someone a lot, and then you can't stop thinking about them afterwards? It wasn't sexual, but mostly just hanging out with again and being like best friends. I know this is vague, she's married now and far away, so it's not going to happen, but it was a nice dream. Don't know if it's connected, but i slept very well and long last night. That doesn't happen often. How it usually happens is i'll go to bed, and then it may seem like i've been sleeping a long time, but i keep waking up every hour or so and tossing around. So i'm usually very tired even when it seems like i've gotten eight hours, it's probably more like four or so. Good times. (funny, "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd just came on random on my itunes as i was typing this.) Oh well, people change, and not always like you imagine them. But it was a nice dream, that's for sure. Even though Gary Busey was following us around during it. Don't ask. 

Pretty much done with importing CDs, up to around 560 or so, with only a small stack that is having problems importing, missing information, or what not. I didn't know i had so many, yikes. I also found out what ones i had purchased from the iTunes store. Ugh. i do wish they had a system where once you purchased it, you can download it again and again, so in cases like mine (bad backup dur) you aren't screwed. This is the reason i'm not so keen on all downloaded content, too easy to have a crash, and if you can't re-download, you are boned. Something i like about the PS3, once you buy, you can download all that stuff whenever, it even keeps track for you in case you forget. Some saves don't transfer so well, but that's something else. 

How to start?

Something i've been doing is looking at Model Mayhem and One Model Place to see what kind of talent is out there for doing modeling for me and what kind of rates they want. Something annoying with the sites it seems is that you kind of need to have several pictures of people to get a profile. I understand they don't want stalkers or pervs or anything like that, it's just making me wonder where to get started. Don't get me wrong, i'm not looking for nude models or anything like that, i'd be nervous enough now with dressed people, just people to get more experience in photographing and lighting people. Most of the books and such say to practice on a significant other, which i am lacking. The bunnies don't really work, they love to play chase when they see the camera and are much smaller than people. ;) Hence the practice on the mannequin torso i have. Maybe i'll just have to stick to bugs, nature and stuff like that, at least until i find a significant other. I have no idea. One thing i like about Model Mayhem is that the models are my my sensibility, goths, punks, that sort of thing. More normal ones are there too, but where's the fun in that. ;) I also don't really have a studio space, right now i just use what room i need for whatever i'm shooting, or just outside. I've thought about converting my garage into a studio, and building on to make a new garage, or having a room built above the garage, i have no idea. That would give a nice room that could be used for that though. Not sure if i could though with codes and whatnot. Ideally in my dreams i would have a barn or some kind of out building i could use if i finished it, plenty of room and big and open. That rules out city living heh. Pie in the sky there too though. There was a house for sale down in LaCrosse when i was looking that had a barn converted into a year round basketball court, it was pretty awesome, but not in the location i really wanted. Something like that. I get the feeling models don't want to go to photographers homes, even when i would be the most professional at all times. Hmm... going to have to think about this it seems. 

On another subject, it's snowing, again. Ugh. Supposed to snow through tuesday too. Looks like this winter is going to be cold and full of snow. Today is 10F (-12C) with what seems to be a half a foot at least of snow on the ground and plenty of more to come. Thankfully i got The Greenskeepers  (funny how they do snow too, lol) to come and clear the mounds of snow keeping my car from escaping. I would do this myself, but one year i hit an ice mound, and it cut clean into my oil pan. Killed my poor VW Bug. All from the snow plow blocking me in and making it impossible to get clear. They come with a cute little plow thing (i call it Mister Plow) and do it lickity split, and they do a much better job than i seem to be able to do. Now if i can just clean out the garage.

I just have to point out how i had dreams last night that were all about most of the people in the world dyeing off, thanks movie night. ;) I also keep stupidly having these dreams about a certain someone having faked their own death, and finding out in a very painful way. Yeah, not so fun.