kitty bunny is breaking my heart.

This is Kitty Bunny in better days. The last month or so has not been good to her. She's pretty old now, around 10 or older, and her health has gone down hill. Today she seems to have lost the use of her back legs. She's been having a harder time grooming herself lately, and getting in and out of the potty, but today she spent most of the day in there. She ate a good deal of fresh greens, so that's good, but when she tried to get out, she got stuck. I recently replaced her old pan with a much lower one, so she can get in and out better, but seeing her half in and half out just broke my heart. She didn't want me to help her, when i tried she acted like i was going to hurt her. She is so far from her old self that it's like she is a completely different bunny. The only thing the same is that she is a fighter. She's very frail looking and feeling, and rests more than not, but the fact that she is still going is how i know it's her.

That's her with Zack, who passed away a while ago due to kidney failure. He got skinny too really quickly, and had many visits to the vet to make him more comfortable, but he passed pretty quickly. I went upstairs and an hour later he was passed away in his and Kitty's house. She was devastated. She didn't eat for a while, and took a few months to act like herself again, although to be honest she never really seemed to get back to how she seemed with Zack around. They really made a great couple, especially since she really never got along with any of the other bunns in the house.

This is the most recent photo i have of her, about a month old or so, and will probably be the last i take, as while i love her, i want to remember the good, not how sad she looks lately. We were hanging out on the stairs, giving her medicine, grooming her, and watching her rest. She's still an awesome bunny, but i'm now bracing myself to come down and find her passed away. When she's too quiet lately, i go and check on her even.

I know and knew when i got these poopers that while they can live 12 to 14 years, that i would most likely outlive them and have to watch them pass. It's just after Clover having the surprise death (vet said he may have seen a predator out the window and freaked out), and Zack with being sick but passing relatively quickly, watching Kitty take so long and being so helpless is rough. It's even harder that when i have to do things that help her, like bathing, meds, etc, i can't explain to her that i'm trying to help make her feel better. I know it's not the most enjoyable experience for her, but it would be nice if i could get her to understand. I'm also bracing myself for Jerry having problems. He's her age or so, and is also showing his age. He's also been having potty troubles, and sleeping a lot, but still moves pretty good. Especially when treats are involved. Anyway, not sure what this post is about, other than to get these feelings out. These bunnies have been there for me longer than anyone i've dated, and quite literally saved my life more than once. So i hope they were made happy while here.

Update:
So i typed this last night. Today around 2 or so, i heard Emily screaming loudly and had no clue why she was. I rush in there, she starts convulsing in bad directions i've never seen a bunny do. She then passed away. All within a couple of minutes. I didn't even have time to run to the phone and call the vet. I'm heart broken, she and Amanda are the youngest, at about eight years old, and as you could probably tell from the post i was expecting either Kitty or Jerry to pass first. I didn't see this coming, at all. I'm devastated.

My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped running today.

Worried about Kitty Bunny

This is Kitty Bunny from a while ago. I'm pretty worried about her, she was at the vet a few days ago as she stopped eating like she used to, and wasn't acting like herself. The vet found she had a very, very high white blood cell count, so an infection of some sort. She didn't know exactly what caused it, but Kitty stayed overnight so they could watch her. They sent her home the next day and said they are optimistic about her odds. She seemed better for a couple days, nibbling on food, but still obviously not happy. Sadly she seems to be not doing so well. She's not too keen on taking her medicine, three different types, and will try to avoid letting me give them to her, but eventually does. She's eating less, hiding, and seems really skinny. I'm reminded of when Zack was bad off, although the vet said her kidneys were fine, but it's got me preparing for the worst.

I know they don't live the longest, about 12 to 14 years seems to be the longest, and kitty was an adult when i got her about eight years ago. So who knows how old she is, but none of the bunnies are very young anymore. Funny fact, i've had the bunnies much longer than any relationship i've been in (talking dating here, not family and such), so they are a huge part of my life. They've been there when i've needed them, and hopefully i've been there when they need me and hopefully they all have had a better life after coming here from the humane society. I love my crazy pooper bunnies and hope they all stay okay.

IR Roots and bluegrass photo talk

This past weekend I got out to the Roots and Blugrass Festival that was in town, and as usual took my IR camera out. I wanted to give it a shot with the new version of the flash, and see how it would work. Mostly quite pleased, although holy crap the batteries got hot, had to swap them out at the halfway mark, and they almost burned me it felt like.

I'm going to post the straight out of camera ones, since the ones made black and white are on my flickr in this set. As a side note, what i use to convert to black and white is Nik Siver Efex Pro 2, it does a great job and gives more control, especially for a newbie like me.

 Here is the perfomer Randy Burger singing on the sidewalk, notice the yellow, that's because i balanced the camera to white with the flash. I don't know a middle ground currently, i use a calibration reflector to get white balance better, but it's not perfect. Something funny to note is that the reflections of the people in the window are much more defined than it seems in true color.

Another interesting case of white balance, as what is illuminated by the flash is basically grey scale, and the light coming in from outside is the yellow. Also funny, the flash in the window, not visible by eye, but shows up on the image as the flash has a filter that only lets out ir light. I believe this is also one where i decided to try and bounce the flash at a forty five degree angle up, not sure though.

This one is interesting to me, that room was a basement with almost zero light, so what you see is mostly illuminated by the IR flash. Pretty neat, especially since it would have blinded most people if not filtered for IR. Damn that was packed though, barely room to move, so i didn't get many shots there.

Another flash shot showing how it helped, with a bit of yellow light from other light sources in the background.

Last one, again a very dark room, band farther away, lit by the flash. That window behind them was tinted to visible light too, and also shows more of the daylight balance in the background.

So there you go. Not too thrilling i bet, but its' a learning experience for me, and quite fun trying to predict what things are going to be like. It's also very nice to get the details of dark areas of performances, even though it's only really going to be black and white in the end.

DIY Infrared Flash talk

Okay, this is a nerd heavy post, just to let you know. Going to talk or ramble about my experiments in making an infrared flash for my infrared converted Canon XTi. (done by Lifepixel for those curious, and i highly recommend them) Basically, my desire for an infrared flash is so i can shoot in infrared in low light conditions with a flash, but since a regular flash is an annoyance in those situations (and banned in lots of places like that) i decided to search around for a do it yourself solution. I found lots of vague posts online via google that were of some help, but mostly instructed to stick some sort of ir filter or exposed and developed slide film over the flash, but not too close as the heat from the flash can melt the filter. So with a lot of trial and error, here is what i did.

Version 1. Basically a thin plastic ir filter in a LumiQuest FXtra Gel Holder, which was then held to the camera with velcro. Electrical tape (you'll hear these words a lot, heh) was then used to seal up any escaping light leaks. Not horrible, but a pain to take off and put back on. So i started to look at other routes.

Version 2. (the one that is up and to the right, not on the flash) I took the filter from Version 1 and put it over a STO-FEN Omni-Bounce (found a couple cheap on amazon, like a fourth of the cost listed there) and wrapped the rest in electrical tape. Thought about painting the exposed plastic on the Omni-Bounce, as light did come out where tape didn't cover. Then i decided to try version 3.

Version 3. Pictured on the flash above. One my now unused Hoya glass ir Filters, attached to an Omni-Bounce that was cut in half to get the filter closer to the flash head for a less narrow beam. Then electrical taped around to prevent light leaks. If i spent more time on this one, i would epoxy or glue the filter better on the Omni-Bounce and pain the Omni-Bounce, as the electrical tape is kind of hinky looking, and with the tape i wrap it around the end to keep light from getting out. So far, this is the best i've done though, and it works great.

What i did find after all this though, is Quantum makes accessories for their flashes that does all this much better, but at a much higher cost. Here is a great write up on that.  Maybe in the future i'll work on getting that, as the flash head alone is pretty awesome, and being a better IR flash just adds to it. It's a head that needs a pack though, so instead of just a head, there is quite an investment going in. I guess i'll update if and when i do that.

So anyway, more about what i've done so far. Some of the results i've found while using the flash is interesting. Challenging, but interesting, to say the least. Playing around in my kitchen last night (which is messy, so i'm not posting those pictures), i found that with the flash being normal with no filter, the light was good, but no reach it seemed. With filter on, it lit up the whole room. Seems counterintuitive, especially with the filters looking black to the naked eye. White balance is hell too, if you balance for the flash, any other light that has ir wavelengths has a different color. For example:

I took this one at a local university event, and had the white balance set to the flash, so what the flash lit looks close to black and white, while the stage lights have a very yellow tint to them. It's a neat effect, but unpredictable. This is also the kind of situation that calls for not having a bright flash going off while taking photos. Whats not colored yellow was hit by the flash, but not visible or annoying to anyone there. All that you can see if you look directly into the flash is a dim red light, barely visible.

Another from the same night with the version 1 filter. kind of looks sepia toned, and was also well lit by the flash. Did a great job of freezing action, even though the camera wasn't set too high of a shutter speed.

A shot from version 2 of the filters, where you might be able to see how the flash lit and helped with action. Panning with the runners, flash froze them and let the more distant blur. The colors are also from balancing the white to sunlight, with the flash adding a little blue. I know, it's screwy, but if balance isn't set right, everything is red. While interesting, and able to changed in post, it's nicer knowing what to expect before hand. What you can't see here is that the street signs reflected a lot of light, lit up from even far away. This event also showed me why i'm tempted about the Quantum flash, it fires machine gun style, while my flash has a poor recycle speed. If i want to do IR shots of action, i will miss a lot of them. Not even mentioning the fact that the XTi has a small buffer and less frames per second able to be shot. I think if i do end up getting the Quantum, and eventually the Canon 5D mark 3, i might get either my 7D or 5D converted, as they have more capabilities than the XTi.

So to wrap up, enjoying IR photography a lot lately, how it's surprising and letting me see in new ways. This weekend there is a Bluegrass festival in town, with several bands playing, and if i'm able, i hope to try out the version 3 flash with performers. Should be interesting.

What to say to who

Been having pretty bad depression and mood swings like i haven't had in ages, and it's also tossed my sleep schedule off like you wouldn't believe. I'm not exactly sure if something spurred this on or if it's just chemistry, but it's frustrating that i don't have someone to talk to it about, with all the things that are running through my mind. It's one of the things i miss about being in a relationship with someone who actually cares (rarer than you'd think, especially ones that are willing to handle the depression and fears), or even my old friend Jodi, who while maybe not as understanding as i thought, was at least willing to listen and not mock. Therapists seem to not really listen, they always seem to push to what they feel, at least a lot of the ones i've had were. Not really sure who i can talk to, or if i have someone i can, so most of the time i bottle it up or write it out here.

I read something a person i follow on twitter who also has depression that hit a bit home, "Sometimes it feels lie you've reached the book's end, yet everything keeps moving, going on long after it should've ended. This is no book." I so know that feeling. It's been feeling worse than a rut for quite some time now, nothing moving, nothing progressing, no movement all. Absolute zero. Everyone always seems to say how easy it is to change it, but if they've never been i am now, they can't understand. Every direction i see to move all leads to either the same or more disaster. An infinite amount of paths, all branching out into an infinite amount of paths, infinitely, and only one is the one that doesn't  lead to disaster or doom. So i am immobile with fear of not picking the right one. It's funny, i'm kind of obsessing on a near impossibility to help me move. I know the odds are astronomical, and yes i'm being vague, but it's also probably better odds than the other roads. I guess in a month or so i'll know.

Besides that, for some reason i got into a cleaning fit for the kitchen. It's funny, the depression keeps it a mess most of the time, things not so organized to put it mildly, stacks of papers and books everywhere (yes, in a kitchen too), and general chaos. Something got into me though last night or so and started cleaning it. A little while before i basically emptied the fridge, so many expired things, duplicate things, etc, but it was so full of crap i just didn't eat and probably couldn't eat even. So now i've gotten most of the countertops clean and organized, harder than you'd think, but getting there. I do like it clean, but when you hit the place i've been mentally lately, you look at it and just don't see the point. No one ever sees it besides me, except on the couple of times my parents visit each year, and it's gotten so bad that even with the few days notification that they are coming, i can't get it all clean. Just too much and never enough energy. I guess at least i got the garage clean that one time, now it's mostly boxes that need to be broken down and stuff that needs to be organized. Sort of like the rest of my house and my life too.

I don't know what i'm trying to say here, just rambling i guess. Tired, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc. Hopefully something will start to look up, i really need it.

Movie Night December 31, 2011

Oops, forgot to put what movies we watched last night, even though not an official movie night, we did watch some things. Oops.

How Not to Live Your Life, Its a Don-derful Life, series ender.
Aw, it's over, but it did such a good job at tying up things, and holy crap at the secret reveal at the end!! ;) I do love David Armand, that much is true.



Attack the Block
Kept meaning to see this. Loved the alien designs even if it didn't quite make sense, i guess that's the Rule of Cool though. Didn't quite care for the ending though, and the main protagonists bugged the hell out of me, maybe i'm just getting old. Get off my lawn!!



Burke and Hare
This was frankly, awesome. I had no clue about this. I had heard the story of the true people, but didn't know they made it into a film, with absolutely everyone from films and British tv that i like. I'm not even kidding here, it was almost every few minutes we were going "hey! it's so and so!!" ;)

My year in photos, 2011

Not sure why exactly i'm doing this, but here are the twelve photos, one a month, that sums up 2011 for me. I guess.

January.
Going through my photos, nothing major stands out, other than my first shoot with Emily, which was pretty awesome. Seems there was a lot more snow then, we have none now, but there was about three feet if i got it right.

February.
Wow, 537 photos that month. I guess with African Night, Dancing with the UWRF Stars, and the Hudson Hot Air affair meant i got out a good deal, which is good, but what amuses me the most is one of the most viewed images i have on flickr...

March.
Cultural events, St. Patrick's Day, and not much else. Although i totally forget when i got this, it seems to be the first time i took a picture of it for flickr, so maybe i got it then. My parents hate it, but i love it, it reminds me of a lot of what i care about.

April.
Unity in the Community, mock crash, my birthday. I also got one of my cameras converted to Infrared, which has inspired me a lot since then, so that's pretty important.

May.
Kind of slow month for photos, with family stuff, and such, but Spring Con being the one thing that really stands out for me.

June.
Well, this one is a no brainer. After close to or over a decade, i got my butt to ren fests. Mostly the Chippewa Valley one, got there twice. One day was too hot and i headed home early, the second time i stayed longer.

July.
This month was way, way too hot, with me getting heat stroke twice that i know of. Ugh... It was also the first time i did a real nude shoot. Which was pretty interesting. Obviously, i'm going to post one of those, but i'm posting a shot that is safe for work from that shoot.

August.
Another Ren Fest, this time the one by the twin cities, and a trip to the zoo. This picture is the ren fest, heh. ;)

September.
Wow, slow month, fifteen photos only. So i guess the big thing this month was the new 52 of DC comics.

October.
Besides halloween, obviously, there was a dance presentation at the local library, art installations by the university, and an awesome nude shoot with three models. We're all adults here right? I do have that warning when you come here, so here you go. I got to use the IR camera with the nudes and absolutely love how it makes people look. Like statues or something, and got to work with her before she retired.

November.
Riverdazzle Parade, shot with Frank J who is more fit than a human has a right to be, Drag Show, Culture Fest, shot with Emily again (yay!), Crypticon, and shooting cosplay with Chi. This is a rough one. I guess i'm going to have to post this one, one of the IR shots of Chi as Chun Li. She's awesome, it turned out great, and i hope to shoot more cosplay with her in the future.

December.
The end of the year. Not many taken really, mostly of stuff gotten, Star Wars the Old Republic, and hopefully a new project that will turn out great, an aluminum foil dress project.

So there you go. That was my 2011. Not the most interesting, or changing year, but i do feel i did better at getting out and doing things this year, especially when i look back on it. Hopefully next year will be even better. It sure is hard to only select one image from each month to show things, but was interesting. Until now, i also didn't know flickr could show photos taken by calendar either, so that's something.

Movie Night Dec 10th 2011

Movie Night December 10th 2011, as per the title.

Thor
One of the Avengers lead up movies. In my view, one of the better, not best, but better. My only real complaint is the amount of time the hero is without powers, although with Thor it is needed because that is actually part of his origin. My favorite character is Loki though, just wish they would have kept more of his scenes in it. As usual, stay for the end where there is a tie in to Captain America and the upcoming Avengers movies.



Tucker and Dale vs. Evil
Awesome movie that turns the tables on the "crazy redneck" killer movie. Moments you know are coming, but the actors playing the rednecks really pull it off and make it awesome. The trailer really does give away almost everything though, sadly.



New Girl
Three episodes of the new fox show. I honestly didn't expect to enjoy it as much as i did, maybe because it was fox and most of their sitcoms are groaners, but i did, laughed a good deal.



Todd and the Book of Pure Evil
The awesome Canadian show that just gets more and more disturbed. ;)

Movie Night November 27, 2011

Wow, been a long time since one!

Usagi Drop Special 1
The sweetest anime ever. Nuff said. ;) Okay, maybe not. The special that was recently released after the end of the season.

Opening:


Preview video:


Noticed too, that there is going to be a live action version...


Captain America
In my opinion, the best super hero movie to date. Just pulled the right notes, and kept the feeling of the comics, with some awesome writing. Hopefully i'll be able to say the same about the Avengers.



Super 8
Better than i expected, a bit too sappy an ending, but what i expect from Spielberg. ;) Also, lens flares, which i expect from Abrams. ;) Don't miss the movie the kids did during the credits, it's awesome.



American Horror Story Pilot
Okay, love this show so far. From the makers of Glee and Nip Tuck, funny and awesome. :)

Crypticon Minneapolis 2011

I went to Crypticon Minneapolis on Saturday, partly because i was curious, but more so that i knew a friend would be there too. Sometimes it's fun to go to these alone, but other times it's nice to have the motivation and someone to talk about what you saw with. Got to meet his new girlfriend and her freaky contacts. ;) Crypticon is basically a smaller horror convention, held in a hotel in Bloomington. (i think that's where it is, those suburbs always mess me up.)

So here are some highlights, sorry about the noise and blurriness of the images, it was pretty dark, and i forgot my flash, so i had to crank the iso to get even that shutter speed. Still learning, as always.

Here is the car i parked next to, i just found it funny they were all zombies. 

Doug Bradley, aka Pinhead at the Q&A session. I'm not one for fawning over famous people or wanting autographs, but something about him got me all shy when i went up to him. He's such a nice guy too. 

Jimmy as the hunchback. There was a demonstration where they put the makeup on him (the beard is real), but we were watching a movie (a sloooooow movie) when it happened. 

Half of the dealer room, there was another dealer room across the hall.

The other half.

Main area from above.

I always find it funny when i catch a flash going off. ;) This guy was one of my favorites, parts glowed, and it was very detailed. 

A very good Ash from Army of Darkness. 

Very cool Predator costume, the outer mask came off and there was another underneath. 

*snicker*

Speaking of Pinhead.

She totally freaked me out, stayed in character before the contest while walking around the dealers room, until i found out i knew her. lol. Funny how that works. (dolls masks will always kind of freak me out, long story.)

This one makes me laugh, them looking at each other. ;)

The three finalists from the groups, but not the children one.

Frankie was awesome too, in character a lot. 

So there you go, there were three days, but most of what i really wanted to see and do were on saturday. Being within driving distance helped, if i was farther i would stay there, but less than an hour away it's not so bad. Almost all interstate driving too, and surprised that there wasn't much construction.
One funny thing i forget to mention, while we went to TGI Fridays for some food, i was told by one of the greeters that my hair could be like Einstein, which amused me. It is getting a bit long and out of control, and it was so windy that it was a bit all over the place. 

Wow, i have internet

Lately, like for the past month but getting progressively worse, my internet has been beyond spotty. Not being connected for stretches at a time, dial up speeds, etc. The past two weeks have culminated in being online for an hour or two a day. The rest, i would have to unplug the modem, and pray it connected once back on. Service guy game today, and turns out i needed a new modem. Not sure how old it was, but several years at least, with him saying it's been years since he's seen that type. I guess that's a problem with these always on things, you take them for granted, don't think about them most of the time, unless they go out. One year though it went out totally, and when the tech came out it turned out down the line something had gotten struck by lightning, and i was the first to contact them. Always worry that's happened again. I know, it's a "first world problem", but it was annoying.

So while this started as an update about my internet troubles, i'm going to share something i've been trying to focus on to keep myself from getting too depressed again. While i love halloween, so many things have gone wrong near it, that it kind of taints my favorite holiday. So here we go, one of, if not the happiest memory i have. (and surprise, surprise, it involves bunnies)

Years ago, 2001 or 2002, i forget the exact date, the girl i was dating had a bunny. He was awesome, but getting kind of lonely being the only bunny in the house. We were worried he was getting sick or very old, as he was lethargic and not doing a whole lot. Then one day, we were at the pet store close to my house, and as i was looking around, i saw a bunny who looked almost exactly like him. I kind of freaked out there, and saw he was priced at $10. Not a good sign, i was told most likely he would be ending up as snake food, or some other similar fate. He had been dropped off there, and had nails very long that got tangled up in the cage, shedding something fierce. He was in the cage with a chinchilla, who was not enjoying him grooming his ears, cute but that chinchilla wasn't amused. After tossing it around about if we should get him (no debate really, more having to go to an ATM to get cash), we went back and got him. He freaked. His fur just flew off him, and on the way home he peed on my ex who was holding him. This isn't the "good" part i was talking about. That happened once we got his house set up. He was sitting in there, with good food and treat stick, the kind that is seeds or something bound together, made specially for bunnies. Alex (the bunny we had at the time) sees him (got named Dru later), and runs at top speed next to him. So here is the good memory. Alex running around the cage grunting loudly, flopping over, back and forth like crazy, and Dru looks so happy, and picks up the treat stick with his mouth and tries to give it to Alex through the cage. Absolute happiness was there that day, them seeing each other and hitting it off right off the bat, and me watching, just soaking it in. They never fought, and just bonded that moment.

One interesting thing, as quickly as he warmed up to Alex, it took us booth time to relax around each other. I think part of it was he was worried he was going to be taken away from Alex, as whenever i would go to pick him up to play with him or go home, he would nip pretty badly at me. After a while though, he really relaxed, and i could hold him no problem even. Funny moment one time when i was holding Dru on my lap, and my ex was holding Alex, and Dru jumped off my lap and right next to Alex. Those two were inseparable.

So, when my depression gets the better of me, i try to remember that moment, and while i doubt i'll ever find that sort of instant bond for myself, it makes me smile remembering it. So now i will share some pictures of those two, and someday maybe i'll tell stories of the other bunnies, like Miso and Maggie, and the whole menagerie i have here.

 Dru (bottom) and Alex (top) playing on the old sun room of my old house.

 Dru (bottom) and Alex (top) laying on the carpet of my current house, very, very relaxed. 

 Dru (bottom) and Alex (top) grooming each other. 

 Alex (left) and Dru (right) being adorable on the cat thing on the porch of my old house. They loved that thing. 

Dru (left) and Alex (right) in their separate houses one day. They probably could have lived together now that i think about it, but i believe we were worried that they might fight while we slept. 

Comics: X-23

A friend of mine recently got me into comics again, i'd been off and on for quite some time, bascially only picking up trades that seemed interesting, and of series i loved years ago. Mostly Hellblazer and Green Lantern. Right now though, there are a couple Marvel ones that i want to point out that i've been very impressed with, both with the character X-23. I've been pretty ambivalent with Wolverine as character over the years, he's been pretty much one note with "I'm the best at what i do, and what i do isn't very nice." Although his recent development in Schism has been very well done.

I picked up an issue of her current ongoing series recently and had previously read some of her in New X-Men, and was surprised she wasn't more just a female Wolverine, whom she is a clone of. Sort of. The quality prompted me go look up more of the books i saw mentioned. These stood out to me.

NYX

Not pronounced "nix" but N. Y. X., sort of implying an X-Men spin off. The premise is basically mutant teens who developed, but didn't have Xavier or the school to help them, only each other. There are two volumes collecting the whole run out there, the first one is the only one with X-23 in it though, but both are very good. That image is the cover of the trade, and while there has been a lot of controversy over the recent handling of women in the DC universe reboot, i should point out that what you see there is not the same. Without spoiling things, that image is a good portrayal of something that happens in the book, and yet surprises you when you don't know what is coming and is actually happening. Pretty dark book, but also hopeful. I'd recommend both volumes really, but rate the first slightly higher as it feels less conventional and is more surprising to me. One thing i loved about the art is that the kids (most are teens of various ages) really are drawn like them, and expressive, not just like adults but smaller as tends to happen with a lot of artists. One awesome moment, is when someone tells X-23 "You're the best at what you do.", and while at the time of the original issues release, i'm not sure people knew how she was related to Wolverine, it worked as a nice call out, and a hell of twist on it that caught me off guard.

X-23: Innocence Lost

One of trades i've gotten and read so far that focuses on her. This one is a prequel of sorts to NYX i believe, not explicitly said, but it fits. The cover bugs me for the reason that she looks too old there. Most of the book is several years before NYX, she starts out at as a baby when first seen, then the book advances seven years. Then another three years, so by the end she's 12? It's a little confusing, not sure if she ages slightly faster, or the art of Billy Tan (which is quite different than the cover, and i like better) reflects her age properly. Either way, she's not even close to as mature as the cover shows. It's pretty dark, since it is basically about a girl being created to be a weapon, and only thought of and treated as such. It also explains a lot of her actions and behavior in NYX and later books, and while i guess Wolverine has similar origins, the way she's portrayed as going through them and how she reacts later is something i connected to better.

Fears and dreams

Lately i've been thinking about my life, aspects of it, where it's going and has been. Part of this has been brought on by an illness, not sure if a bad cold or the flu that's going around from what i've heard, but either way i've been in bed a lot more than usual. When feeling ill i tend to have strange dreams, well, strange and ones that affect me a lot when i wake up. Another that i'm probably a bit ashamed to admit is envy at seeing friends doing and succeeding at things, so while i'm happy for them, i'm also letting myself go to the mental space of "what is wrong with me?". (part of this brought on by finding out how many of my friends have stayed at Neil's house, it's almost kind of funny in how many and few of them know each other. not sure why this triggered it.)

Anyway, the dreams, actual dreams and metaphorical dreams. There was a point in the early to mid 90s i wanted to be an animator. I taught myself, studied it, put together demo reels every year and went to SIGGRAPH where i even got some interviews with great companies (ILM, Boss Film, Square, and others i forget off hand). Obviously i didn't get the jobs, but they are almost constantly seeing people, and the numbers of reels they get were staggering. I know i wasn't the best, and got envious when friends got in the industry, but also very happy for them. (this is really a recurring theme here i think, always a bridesmaid, never a bride) When i started, i had big dreams, high hopes, and as time went on, they were pretty much crushed, and i gave up. One thing that sticks with me though is seeing people do worse than i can do, getting those jobs, in movies. I figure if you got the job over me, you should be better at least. Oh well.

After several years of this, and relationship changes, i was lost again, not sure where to go or what to do. Left the town i was in, as i was in a huge rut there, and while there as been good and bad about moving here, it is where i got on a new idea of what to do. Not sure if it's working out or not, as everyone seems to tell me it's more about how good a businessman or marketer you are, not how good of a photographer you are. Sadly i've seen this be true, not anyone i know personally, but in general. I'm horrible with numbers and such, so who knows. I've also been trying my hand at writing again. I don't really remember doing it a lot, but i've been told when i was younger i was a good writer. (side note, with my memory issues, i have so many things this is the case with, and it's very annoying. "hey, you remember such and such?" . blank stare, try to remember, 'um... no.'. and they usually take it personally, not fun) Anyway, they'll probably never see the light of day, but more for myself.

The dream/dreams are even more affecting. They'll be very realistic, i'll be engrossed in them, sometimes happy, sometimes not, but either way it's closer to what or where i wish i was. The "worst" ones are the ones where i'm with my dead friend. There will be that moment when i am waking where i forgot she's dead, and it will then hit me as i become more and more awake. Those are rough to say the least.

Not really sure what the point of this one is, to complain? Just talk? I don't know. I do know i could have it a lot worse, and i'm grateful for that. I think i just wish one of the dreams would work out, or that i'd stop letting my fears and anxiety rule my life. (since especially lately they have been getting worse, or i've been letting them get worse, not sure.) Oh well, i do tend to babble on here.

Movie Night September 3rd 2011

Wow, been a while since an actual movie night. Got to check out Jason's new place, very nice. Along with a cat that didn't bite too. ;) All movies i've seen before, but haven't watched in a while, and lots of conversation.

Identity
   Kind of a thriller, with an odd twist, and a cast i enjoy. Very atmospheric too.



Near Dark
   Forgot how many people from this were in Aliens, and other things. There is a newer cover of this that makes it look like Twilight, it's not quite like that. ;)



Phantasm
   Ah the 70's, this movie still has some quality to it that makes the whole thing feel like a dream gone wrong.

Movie Night - June 18th, 2011

Not much watched tonight, but a lot of talk.

Battle: Los Angeles
   Pretty much paint by the numbers war/action flick. Biggest gripe is they went from unstoppable force of dealing death, to stormtroopers that couldn't hit a thing and killed in one shot. Also, if they built that thing so fast in the first place, what is stopping them from making several or more later? I know, i need to not think about it so much. ;)



Nichijou a couple of episodes
   This show just makes me happy. I can't really explain it, it just does. :)



Then it was quite a while talking about comics and a LOT of it being about the DC reboot coming. So curious about where this is going, and how it will end up.

Chippewa Valley Ren Fest

Sunday i was feeling 'off', had messed up dreams, got up early, and was feeling the urge to get out of the house. I tossed around going to the Chippewa Valley Ren fest, did my usual 'nah, yeah, maybe' anxiety dance, but in the end decided to just go for it. They predicted nice weather, warm but no storms, which seems a rarity lately. Having also recently gotten my car worked on, i felt better about that, so that's something. Here are my highlights of the day.


I was surprised it was so formal, i half expected a smaller set up, but didn't know how long it's been going on before this year and it's history. I got into a little chat with one of the security guards about cameras, didn't know much about Minolta ones though, so i wasn't as helpful i guess.


It was the last weekend Puke & Snot were going to be there, so i got to get a good laugh in, they were funny and interacted with the audience. When i tipped them at the end, one told me he liked my tattoo, but i'm not sure which. If it was the spider web one, i sometimes get people confused why i have it, thinking it symbolizes something else that it doesn't. Long story, but it's my daughter that it symbolizes, sometimes i'm not in the mood to go into it though and just say "Spiderman". ;)


The Jousting was fun, here the "bad guy" is chasing his squire after she tossed a hoop where he couldn't get it. Drew a good crowd, and was fun.


Aisha & Ivy belly dancing (i believe this is Ivy), and i was shocked i seemed to be the only one watching. There was a drink/food area next to the stage, and it had shade, so there could have been people watching from there. They were both awesome, and i loved Ivy's tattoos, what i could make out.


There was a parade (at noon? i forget) and i *loved* these people. The queen (maybe? Not sure) was hilarious all day, and these horse riders were too funny. Very Alice in Wonderland.


Fire breather in a Utilikilt. (side note, sad to recently find out mine don't fit anymore, ugh, i need to get in shape). Love shots like this, the fire looks so cool, with so much texture. Got two good shots of him doing his thing.


Loved this couple, but my timing sucked, every time i could get a shot, she had her eyes closed or someone walked in front and they then moved away. Why do i like them so much? I can't say. Just do.


Loved this guy too, he was interacting with the patrons, being silly and very funny.


I adore ren fest fairies, sadly no Twig Oaklyn Flewinia Thistlebottom, but these ones were fun and lovely. They waved and smiled a lot to me, and i think i got some good shots of them, would have liked more of the one in green, loved her wings.


Again, how awesome? Heh, loved the shoes/socks. This was during a thing where different groups presented to the king and queen, but this character was hamming it up the whole time. ;)


Awesome costume and character. That is all.


Loved their music.


Goofy 'marriage' of Maid Marrian (played by a guy and hamming it up) and the Sheriff of Nottingham.


This guy also rocked, was totally in character and his costume rocked. It was also at this point that i started feeling 'wrong'. I don't know if it was the heat (near 90F), being out of shape and walking up and down a lot of hills, but i was standing there and started to feel like i was about to pass out. So i decided to call it a day and head back home. I was hot, sweaty, and probably very stinky at this point, and as i found later, sunburnt on my forearms.

Headed home, decided to take a more leisurely pace home, and stayed off the interstate taking Hwy 29 back instead. Nice drive, little traffic, and saw a hobbit house (not really, but it was a lot like one), sadly had someone on my tailgate so i didn't feel safe stopping. I'll have to head back that way and try and get a shot of it someday. Speaking of heading back, i am actually thinking of going back to the ren fest again, it is supposed to be a good 20 degrees cooler, but still nice, so i would be able to handle it better. Plus it's only about an hour away, so not too bad a drive. I'll have to think about that.