Saturday, April 25, 2009

Can't sleep

First off, a warning, this is a rambling post, i can't sleep, took my pain killers, and want to ramble to get this stupid mind to shut up. Yep, i do this for me, so i don't mind if anyone doesn't read or if they do. So yeah. 

Surprise, surprise, i can't sleep. My mind just won't shut up. About what i'm not exactly sure, but it keeps wandering to stupid shit. For example, take this stupidity, i have been preparing to get a Drobo to prevent loosing data (side note, the drive that "died" with my music on it, came back alive, wtf? i'm 99% sure that sucker had a head crash too) so i've been backing shit up on a 1tb drive which will join three other 1tb drives in there. (getting the four drive one, even though i'd love the biggest one) What knocked my socks off is how in the fuck did i acquire 608gb of music and video?? (almost all legally too, i'm sure the video is most of that, with the high def tv shows gotten off of itunes adding to a lot), still, that's a shit load of stuff. Currently at 162gb of photos too, yikes, i've taken almost 30,000 photos. It boggles. (and i'm sure swearing a shit load, lol. probably because the pain killers are kicking in, lol) So i'm going to be glad i will have a good back up for the photos in case a hard drive kicks it, instead of the many, many dvds (you do the math, at 4gb or so a dvd, and 162gb to back up). I'm sad i did loose a hd once that had baby bunny pictures of francis, but i had printed out some, so i have those (baby bunny, cutest thing in the world). I'm also seeing how good and bad it is to have pictures of exs. Good in that my memory is crap (had a good idea about how immortals would only have a memory of ten to twenty years to keep from going mad, kind of a short story idea, but not sure where to go with it, something like they would end up as crazy seeming homeless or something) so it's nice to see them, (and many were hotties, sadly not all the photos of many of the earlier ones though) but it takes me back thinking about what went wrong. So many times me, just being stupid or something, or them just growing out of love or whatever. I counted, fifteen official girlfriends, and thankfully i remember each of their names (spellings on some, not so much, odd spellings and such) and not even counting the ones who probably wanted to date me (i can be really, really dense when being flirted with, as i've been told many times before, and if i admit it, i didn't quite believe they would like someone like me) and i honestly loved each and every one. Even if my stupid fear of abandonment took over and pushed the person away. You have no idea how glad i am that that got (mostly) taken care of, mostly with finding out what went on as a child and why i repressed that much. (even if i don't really remember it clearly, it explains a lot of where my thoughts come from and all that shit) Here's a stupid thing, i don't know if it's the meds, but i'm breaking out like a teenager, ugh, and that stupid obsession i have won't let me leave them alone, i keep picking at them. And then i'll pick at the scabs. Sigh... I probably look like a meth head, but you know, fat. Yeah, that's attractive, lol. It's funny (and this is a weird diversion) i'm normally kind of a hypochondriac (not officially, more jokingly, me and an ex joked that i always had monkey pox, so over the top it was unlikely), so it's funny i'm kind of annoyed at the whole coverage of the swine flu thing. Yeah, people being dead and all that, but the odds of a civilization ending pandemic? The big one during WW1 killed many, many millions, and there was a world war, and humanity is even more than it was then. Not to mention all the nutjobs coming out saying it is terrorism (most likely cause reported so far is the industrial farms, where this always ends up coming from) and wanting to build a wall around Mexico. And i wonder why people always seem to let me down (not always true, but in general, it seems so more than not). Speaking of ranty, this is starting to sound so. :P

Monday, April 20, 2009

On a brighter note

It seems i haven't had a migraine in a good while. (crosses fingers) So while i've had a root canal, back injury, stomach trouble, and a visit or two to the urgent care, i haven't had a migraine. ;)

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Midlife crisis?

I'm probably using it wrong, but i'm kind of feeling it. I was going through my iPhoto library and tagging photos of people, and it was kind of making  me think of the past and people from it. I'm a bit of a broken record on this count, friends who died, like seeing pictures of them and remembering the good times, but then it hits me that i will never have those again with them. I know it's not all about me, but i'm the one in my head, and not in others, and my life is the only one i really have control over, so yeah. Then there are the exs that kept saying how they didn't want to ever get married or have kids, and now are one or both. Even ones i stayed friends with, it's kind of frustrating. I know i'm not perfect, and definitely have my quirks, but then i see people who are horrible people who have families. Good times. It's a good thing i have hobbies, but hobbies only go so far. Hell, part of the main reason i babble on the blogs is too talk about things. I talk to the bunnies, but they just kind of look at me like "yeah, yeah, now about the treats?" 

So along the lines of midlife crisis, i might need a sports car, or more my style, one of these. Yes, i realize it would probably keep me from getting a date even more, but i'm starting to not care what others think of me (even if it would probably be correct)