Tuesday, February 23, 2010

"You must go to Gort, you must say these words..."

Why the quote, not really sure. Take it as you will. This is probably going to be pretty aimless, i'll try to be less misanthropic and depressed than i have been lately, but i make no promises.

One of the things i noticed about going through the chats like i have been, taking my time and reading one after the other, is i now see that she had been slipping away for years. At least three, just getting much worse at the last few months, understandably. I knew her childhood "events" (i honestly can't think of a better word, that describes what happened to either of us without going into too much detail, hers was worse, but same type, if that makes sense) scared more than her body, but i also saw the good in her. The potential for greatness in her. She could just go in front of a keyboard and play amazing music without sheet music, and make amazing art that was both realistic and surreal (hard to explain, but i wish i could have gotten her to make me some, she made some for other people though). I know this is sounding like i'm getting depressing and such here, but that's not where this is going, at least i don't think so. One of the last chats we had was where she was trying to get in her dad's gun safe (geeze andy, you sure it's not getting down??), and she was saying how she didn't see herself as worth anything and no talent, all that. I tried to tell her she had great potential and talents, but as one who has been there, i know nothing you can say to someone can change their minds. Still, on reading that again i realized that's how i've felt for a while now. No spark, no drive, no "alive" feeling inside.

There has been very little, if any, motivation in me. Unlike her, i didn't have a real "reason" to feel this way other than the depression. I've been in a rut for ages now. I think since woolly mammoths walked the earth. (yes, yes, i'm exaggerating there.) I get my obsessive moments, that run for months sometimes, but those are different. That's sort more sort of a "i need to learn or do all i can about this thing here", if that makes sense. It's not a "passion" by any means. Another example being when i got started on the Anita Blake and Meredith Gentry books. I couldn't just stop reading, not because i loved them, but because i felt i "had" to. Realize too that the Anita Blake ones are still being put out, and book 19 is out soonish. They aren't great books by far, the newer ones less so, but it describes that behavior. Another example was when i felt i "needed" to learn about wine. I don't really like wine or most other alcoholic beverages, but i read over 15 books on wine, watched video podcasts, even bought a ton of wine of all types. Still don't like it, but at least i guess i know more now, although there might be some i will drink, just don't get why people like it so much. Does that make sense?

(I'm breaking this huge wall of text up even though it's pretty much all one subject, fyi)

So yeah, where is that "passion" of mine? I loved doing 3D animation, and can still spend hours in Lightwave 3D and Maya, even though i've kind of given up on ever working for Pixar or ILM like i had dreamed of. (meanwhile those i introduced to it have and are working on films and such, sigh) I really enjoy photography, but also know that it's very, very competitive and rare that you will be paid well. Side note, one thing i love so much about photography is that it helps with my memory problems. I absolutely *love* looking back at photos and remembering things like the smells and feelings of when it was taken. That's awesome, especially when it's good times. So yeah, back to what i was talking about. While i did enjoy the Painted Muse 2 event, and working with very talented and beautiful people, i find myself thinking more about macro photography more and more passionately, if that makes any sense. Although there is a part of me that would love to mix the two, sort of macro landscapes of the human body, but wow would that be intimate even if no private area was involved. Just being that close (my favorite lens i have for macro, the Canon MP-E, needs to be almost touching and focuses by moving the whole camera closer and farther away, so yeah).

One thing i've been thinking about lately too is mixing the two (or more, as i forgot to mention i'm also not that bad at visual effects make up) together, in sort of a surreal type thing going on. Adding things that don't exist, and also going farther than the body paint, with textures and alien or fantastical looks. I don't know if there is much call for this, but i am thinking it might be fun and stir my passions. When i was younger, i loved seeing things and not knowing if they were real, or not being able to wrap my head around them. It also terrified me as kid, with some images or movies.

So while i'm not sure i'll ever feel quite "alive", (closest i remember is while chatting with her, some of our talks, hard to explain, but i didn't feel as much like an alien. She did say we were like the fae, or maybe she did say she thought we were that, i couldn't always tell with her, but it was nice to say and think things at the same times. We also never really fit in with any subculture really, even though i was more "goth" at points, i was just too goofy for most of them, heh. I'm probably also romanticizing the whole thing, not wanting to remember the bad she did or said. Oh well.) i've been thinking that besides being around the bunnies who make me smile more than anything, and frankly loved unconditionally (temperamental goof balls that they are), ill need to find that "thing" that motivates me more than just existing. Wow, that was a long run on sentence wasn't it?

See, it wasn't so depressing as you thought, or maybe it was. I never know how i come off sometimes. Especially when i get going on the keyboard. Typos and grammar be damned. ;) (rare emoticon there, i told myself i was going to try to curtail my use of them, more so on this blog, but it felt worth it)

Monday, February 22, 2010

Oh look, can't sleep...

Since i am slightly tired, but got a bit of insomnia coming on, i thought i would write a bit here to hopefully get my brain to shut up. I'll try to be more chipper than the last one.

So my dad had been in the hospital again last week. He called and i told me he had another stent (stint? whatever those expandable things that go in the arteries to open them up are) put in after feeling like he was having another heart attack. After the big one, i now panic when even the little things happen. He says he checked out fine with the doctor and got out the next day, but i worry. He's getting older, and with everything that is happening with damn near everyone i know, i know it's inevitable but don't want it to happen. I know it's cheesy, but i'm going to quote Star Trek here: "Time is the fire in which we burn." (yeah, yeah, i know that they got it from Delmore Schwartz, but i'm a nerd, and saying it's a Star Trek quote seems to fit better, and i need to laugh) So yeah, i can't avoid it, but i don't have to like it.

While i'm worried about Zack still, as he's not doing that great, i love the rest of the bunnies. They are being awesome and silly. Kitty's worried too, but it's adorable seeing her take care of him, groom him, watch over him, all that. Someday, i hope to have that. I'm not holding my breath, but it sure does look like true love. True love is rare, heck even normal love is rare enough, while hate is common and frequent. (is that repetitive or repetitive? heh) We should grab it and hold on to it when we find it, but that could just be me and my issues. But i think without the stalky-stalky.

Oh look, i'm rambling again, heh.

Something that hit me today while updating, organizing, and sorting my digital photo libraries is that i just can't wait until spring. I keep thinking about going and photographing things, but the snow isn't the most interesting thing, and when i've gone out looking for birds or other wildlife all i can find are cows. I don't know enough people in the area who want to be photographed, much less in the snow, so that limits it a bit. I was looking through my macro photos, of butterflies and flowers, and just want to go find bugs and such. They don't like the winter, so unless i can sneak onto Neil Gaiman's land and photo his bees, i don't have any idea where to find any. I've got a couple flies here, i haven't seen any spiders lately either, which is sad making. I guess i should count my blessings, it's not below zero lately, and been actually pretty nice. I just want spring here now. Now! Spring! Now! (did that work? damn)

Okay, starting to get sleepier now. Hopefully i can fall asleep and have less weird dreams that i have been lately. At least they haven't been bad, just weird. Like last night, where Hugh Jackman was telling some punk band that being musicians wasn't hard, being and actor was (while he had cardboard wolverine claws on), chasing someone on a jet ski, and i was dating a girl named Strawberry. Yeah, i have NO idea where any of that came from, and that's just what i remember.

Let's see what tonight holds. ;)

Sunday, February 21, 2010

"sometimes i can't fall asleep"

I don't know what to say really to express what i've been feeling lately, something i know i have always needed to work on. So as a past therapist said, it's better to just try and express it somehow than holding it in and letting it cause damage. (this is paraphrased really, another example of my difficulty with words. Side note, my mom recently told me that one of my grade school teachers said i was really good with writing and poetry, the hell?? I have no memory of this, and wish i did, i don't even know where to look to see what it was. Oh well, more of my lost past.) Most of this is going to be rambling, about random things, most of which aren't too chipper. Just a warning.

One thing that has been on my mind, most people have no idea of what it's really like to be alone, which was one (if not my biggest) fear for a long time. People talk about it, think they grasp it. They see people, talk to them, are around them, do things with them, and think a day or so makes them alone. I understand the need to be away from people, really, i do. Do they know what it's like to go months without other people? I do. There was a time, a few years ago, where i could have done the old school version of the Abramelin ritual. We're talking six months, without significant human contact. Talked to parents on the phone rarely, mostly by email though. One significant friend, through IM most of the time. I won't even go into how many times and different ways i tried to end myself. Failed at those of course though.

Which brings me to that friend and those IMs. The programs i used saved chats, and lately (stupidly really) i've been re-reading them. Partly because i really miss her after her suicide, partly because i'm really missing having someone to talk with like we did, and who knows why else really. It was awesome to have someone who thought the same way most of the time, knew what i was thinking before i said it, and the other way around too. It's actually difficult to remember what it was like not having someone like that to talk to, how it was before her in my life. Even though it's now back to that, not having someone like that. I could tell her anything, and she could tell me anything, and we would understand. I have to admit i was very envious at those she dated and married, although it would have probably ruined what we had. I have no idea. I do wonder if a lot of people who are married have that, or if i'm just idealizing that. Probably not, as the divorce rate is so high. It was nice to have a friend that i would do anything for though, although i also felt that for those i dated.

Which brings me to an odd thing i've been feeling confused about too. I keep hearing how there are all these women who would just like someone to take care of them, yet can't find one to save my life. Maybe it's my geekiness, or oddness, or maybe my standards just went up a whole lot and i don't want to settle with just someone who would just use me. That's not to say i've never dated, i've had 15 girlfriends over the years, but since my last, it's been a dry spell. Honestly though, i did really love her, and it hurt a lot to not have her in my life. I probably could have handled it better (doubt i could have handled it worse really). So i have only myself to blame there. I'm probably not in the best area to find a geek girl, who likes rabbits (and holy crap do people around here like to tell stories about hurting rabbits when they find you have them, wtf people?? Do i tell stories about kids being abducted and laugh about it when i hear you have kids? No!) I probably didn't do myself any favors by having a vasectomy, seems a lot my age want kids, and not being able to have them is a deal breaker for them. Guess i am just going to have to resign myself to being the crazy bunny man (my version of the crazy cat lady i suppose.) Still, while driving around today looking for something to photograph (i failed to be inspired by the way) i thought how much more fun it is to do things like that with someone special.

A side note here, i used to be terribly shy. Now i tend to try to talk to people, but get almost paralyzed when people want to come over or i have to go out. I think that's a part of being a hermit for so damn long. I have lost that social "instinct". I just have no idea what people "do". I know what i do, but that is not what most do. Last person to spend any significant time here was my best friend, and i still felt awkward and unsure how to entertain her or what to do. I eat when i'm hungry, what i'm craving most likely, watch what i want, sleep when tired, etc. I also realize thats something good about being single, i don't bother someone else when i do that. I know it bugged my ex. That's something else the depression doesn't help. I tend to get obsessed with something, immerse myself in it deeply, sometimes going a bit overboard. (the several capped warcraft characters is one example, just looking at the books i have is another.) My depression also has a weird effect of making time seem to flow weirdly, i don't really notice it.

Anyway, it seems that i keep seeing people in jail having someone, so what's the deal with that? Am i that repulsive somehow lately? Probably not good to dwell on it though. I also tend to get really down on myself when i get depressed.

I should be sleeping. I'm tired, but can't, my brain won't shut up enough. Good times eh?