in the rhyme or reason

Somewhere i had read a while ago that touch was important to the development of pretty much all creatures. More so in the early years, but even in day to day to connect with others. Maybe that's why i'm feeling less connected to people and actually starting to loath most people. I definitely am feeling more and more misanthropic it seems, where besides friends i just want people to leave me alone. Actually, that's not true, i want them to be better than they are, not the flawed annoying ones who do stupid things. (not talking friends there, but the random people) I used to be a pretty empathic person, caring more about them, and such. (although that came after going through a lot of searching and working, long story, maybe someday i'll go into that, or not) I still reach out to people, like check out people, just trying to see if there is anything going on there other than the mechanical doing their job thing, thoughts, emotions, that sort of thing. Rarely seems to happen. Something along those lines i've never understood, if you are just there to do that and such, don't ask how someone is doing or similar questions if you don't really care. I know you are just making small talk. Sometimes i just have to see, so i answer truthfully, and sometimes it sparks something, but not often. Lots of dead behind the eyes people out there. Maybe it's the stores, or timing, or something, but a lot of people don't seem to have something going on behind the eyes, or i'm loosing that. My empathy seems to be moving more towards animals and such, being who i am spending more time with and learning from. Kind of sad that my most human contact comes from getting haircuts and tattoos, at least for the past four or five years, with one exception that caused me to withdraw more than it did to open me up, but that's a long story too. I know others have it worse, for longer, but for so long i had used that contact, even just emotional contact, to help connect me to other people and care about them. It used to be one of my biggest fears to be alone, i used to even have night terrors about that as a child that repeated in odd ways, and i hadn't quite figured out why. I'm starting to, i think at least. I could be totally wrong that is. I could just be clawing at the darkness trying to grab another's hand and not be forced to suffer alone. Trying hard to find the good to keep my spirits up, thankfully the bunnies help, they are honest and sincere. 

Just got reminded of something from Shadow of a Doubt that kind of relates:

"You go through your ordinary little day, and at night you sleep your untroubled ordinary little sleep, filled with peaceful stupid dreams. And I brought you nightmares. Or did I? Or was it a silly, inexpert little lie? You live in a dream. You're a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? Do you know the world is a foul sty? Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you'd find swine? The world's a hell. What does it matter what happens in it?"

Must have been grumpy

Sorry if i offended anyone with the last post, i've just been in a grumpy mood, and i can't blame it on the weather since i'm so damn nordic blooded. I'm not exactly a huge fan of the cold, but my mother always told me she was always surprised how i didn't seem to mind the cold the way others did. Not sure where that comes from other than what my genetics supposed to be. (lots of unsureness there from what i'm told, good times, ugh) Anyway, i am more a spring person, nothing like the smell of green coming up, snow melting, life coming back, the whole sensations of smell and taste and sound. I could live in spring forever, if not for the allergies. That is murder. Allergies suck, and seem pretty damn pointless. Yep.

Got a gift from my parents today, a gift from Harry and David, nice fruit and other treats. Kind of nice getting yummy things, and i have to give kudos to the mailman, they left it at the post office instead of letting it freeze in the truck. Sadly that meant driving in the snow, where people felt the need to tailgate me non-stop. Thankfully no one hit me, but there were slick spots. Do people still not know how to drive in winter? I guess not.

Cleaned the library area a bit, still have over half my books to put into the database, and sort. Piles of books everywhere. That's more than enough work, but at least the area is more clean. Speaking of stuff like that, i have been having these dreams where i have moved into another house, one was back into the old house in laCrosse, for some reason. Another was this awesome 80s style crossed with art deco type house, about three times the size of this one and oddly where someone killed themselves and the parents of the person kept visiting. There was also this awesome pond type thing out back. How come houses in dreams are just so much cooler than ones in real life? (Stupid question, it's a dream, duh) Maybe if i ever take over the world, i'll build one of these.

Not a whole lot thrilling going on really, same old same old. Yippie.

Yep, it's cold

If i hear one more person call global warming a fraud just because it's cold out, i'm going to go postal. I'm thinking they just don't know how global warming works, but then i just get sick of the stupidity and want to snap. They also go on a rant about Al Gore, for some stupid reason. If it's too cold for you here, you are a wimp and should move somewhere it doesn't get so cold. (for the record, it's -8F, -22C with a wind chill of -25F, -32C right now, supposed to be even colder later) Yes, it's cold, complaining about it and such is just as stupid as people who feel compelled to say "Cold enough for you?" and laughing like you've never heard it before. For the record, global (say it with me, global) warming results in changing weather patterns with more extremes and more violent weather, not having a warm winter. (i say this as someone who was going to school for meteorology and climatology. I just got bored with it if you were wondering) Grr... Just to put it in perspective, my parents who live in Florida and friends who live in Texas complain just as much that it's getting near 40F down there, and they all lived up here when it got colder. So you get used to whatever where you live. 

On to something a little less annoying for me, i've been drinking a bit. Not just today, but pretty much every night or every other night. This is big for me. I've usually drank once a year or twice if i was feeling frisky. For the record, they don't recommend drinking alcohol while on cymbalta, for various reasons you can read about there. I'm not sure what is making me want to really, other than i'm able to sleep decently, have decent dreams, be in less pain, and forget my troubles. When i say drinking, i'm really only talking about two white russians a night, and that gets me loopy. Before you say "lightweight", take a look at what alcohol does while on cymbalta. Good times. Tonight i tried a brandy alexander, and i know i'm not much a drinker as the whole alcohol taste just makes me cringe, so i end up going more of the cream into it (two to three times, same with the white russians, i'm a fruity drink drinker). Not the most thrilling story, but just something that i've been thinking about. 

Still up in the air about photography, feeling unskilled and untalented. Comes and goes, hopefully will go soon so i can get up a little more. Need something to get me going, not just photography, but in general. Most days i've been getting up, taking meds, sitting in front of computer for a little while checking the same sites, and then staring at the tv for a little while getting down and then hanging out with the bunnies trying to cheer up. Yep, that's my day. Thrilling. Some variations of course, but after a lot of let downs and rejections, it's getting hard even with the cymbalta to make the effort for fear of more of that. Not helping that X-Mass is coming up and everywhere you look it's "be happy!". :P

Woke up to God and found Venus De Milo

This day is dragging on like crazy. Feels like someone has taken time and stretched it out to twice what it normally is. Feels like days ago i woke up and did all that wake up stuff. Ugh... sort of like driving to Rochester, if you've ever driven that interstate stretch from LaCrosse to Rochester. Molly and i had always felt that it messes with time, it's not a long drive but it felt much, much longer. Perception and time are two odd creatures though, so who knows. Not me that's for sure. 

Stupid me again, went and ordered the wrong size IR filter. D'oh! My dyscalculia has a bad tendency to mess with how i see and remember numbers. You have no idea how bad phone numbers or such are for me to remember. Ugh. (since i'm on the subject, i also have been diagnosed with dysgraphia, which caused a huge amount of problems in school, oddly printing is what fixed that, if i try to write cursive, it's a lost cause) I'm pretty good with the ideas in math, just not the actual multiplication, division, addition or subtraction. Did pretty well in advanced math, but they let me use either a multiplication table or slide rule (funny fact, besides the teacher, i was the only one in the school who could use a slide rule, wish i could find my old one, probably at my parents house) Anyway, the IR filter, got a 55mm instead of a 58mm, but the 58 i ordered should be here sometime. None of my lenses are 55mm by the way. Grr... Thankfully i only paid about twenty bucks for it, so if i ever do get a 55mm one, it can pop on there. 

Speaking of photography, i'm still kind of in a funk with that. Probably because i have a tendency to look at people who have been doing it for almost as long as i've been alive, and saying then that i'm crap. Yeah, that probably doesn't help. These people get paid tons to do a simple shoot too, where i have yet to be paid for it, although i can say some of my photos have been published (thanks to Julia who put a couple photos of my bunnies i had taken and put in that Hesy magazine. I know, it's not actually "published", but it made me happy seeing them there for the world (or Finland) to see.) I keep thinking i need to practice more on people, but as was pointed out to me, "come down in my basement so i can photograph you" sounds pretty creepy. Although that is where i have the most open space and don't have a studio, it's like i'm a serial killer or something. Also being winter it's kind of hard to get any good outside shots with natural light as it's been fricking cold (around 10F, although today seems warm, 35F or so, with a blizzard on it's way. Yay) it's hard to want to spend much time out there. Maybe i'll just get it so i can nail the studio lighting on models (my anime figures) and such, and once i have no doubts about it then i can move on to people. Seems like the going rate is not to unreasonable if i can find someone who isn't creeped out by a shoot in my house, and basement no less. The more i think about it, the more i need to figure out what to do to make a good studio space. I can never have enough rooms it seems. ;)

Now i'm just waiting until it's closer to movie night time, which hopefully is on, otherwise this day may never end. 

One time one place

I'm in kind of a funk, with doubts about myself and my abilities, all that. I had one of those "duh" moments yesterday when i went out to photograph things, almost a "had the lens cap on" type thing, but more about total over-exposure. Today i went out and picked up some tools to help with my learning lighting and photography more (saw horses, lights, and a charger to replace the one that apparently now lives in the ether. Maybe i'm just doubting myself too much, but no mater what i do, i think it's crap, and bad crap at that. Probably not the best times to try new things, as it would probably turn out crap as my mind is going there anyway. I don't know, this is never a great time of year for me, Sun God always getting dead, spring seeming so far away, that sort of thing. I don't mind the snow so much, it's when it's cold and there isn't snow, seems colder then for some reason. I just never know what to do outside, and as i've said too many times, people get stupid out on the roads. Thankfully i ordered a couple IR filters to try my hand at IR photography. Not going to mod the cameras yet, i don't mind long exposures, maybe once (if) i get a 5D mark 2 i will do the oldest of them, but you can only shoot IR then with it, so it's a one way trip (where you have to gut the thing to do it, so not lightly done). Who knows, maybe i'll hate IR photography, or i'll love it. I need something to inspire me, big time. I really need a muse, anyone have one to spare? Guess they aren't just lying around for free. I'm kind of feeling like just chucking it all away, like i'm never going to be good at it, and should just give up. I get that way sometimes. Hopefully it stops soon and i get better. 

Ever have one of those dreams where you haven't thought about someone a lot, and then you can't stop thinking about them afterwards? It wasn't sexual, but mostly just hanging out with again and being like best friends. I know this is vague, she's married now and far away, so it's not going to happen, but it was a nice dream. Don't know if it's connected, but i slept very well and long last night. That doesn't happen often. How it usually happens is i'll go to bed, and then it may seem like i've been sleeping a long time, but i keep waking up every hour or so and tossing around. So i'm usually very tired even when it seems like i've gotten eight hours, it's probably more like four or so. Good times. (funny, "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd just came on random on my itunes as i was typing this.) Oh well, people change, and not always like you imagine them. But it was a nice dream, that's for sure. Even though Gary Busey was following us around during it. Don't ask. 

Pretty much done with importing CDs, up to around 560 or so, with only a small stack that is having problems importing, missing information, or what not. I didn't know i had so many, yikes. I also found out what ones i had purchased from the iTunes store. Ugh. i do wish they had a system where once you purchased it, you can download it again and again, so in cases like mine (bad backup dur) you aren't screwed. This is the reason i'm not so keen on all downloaded content, too easy to have a crash, and if you can't re-download, you are boned. Something i like about the PS3, once you buy, you can download all that stuff whenever, it even keeps track for you in case you forget. Some saves don't transfer so well, but that's something else. 

How to start?

Something i've been doing is looking at Model Mayhem and One Model Place to see what kind of talent is out there for doing modeling for me and what kind of rates they want. Something annoying with the sites it seems is that you kind of need to have several pictures of people to get a profile. I understand they don't want stalkers or pervs or anything like that, it's just making me wonder where to get started. Don't get me wrong, i'm not looking for nude models or anything like that, i'd be nervous enough now with dressed people, just people to get more experience in photographing and lighting people. Most of the books and such say to practice on a significant other, which i am lacking. The bunnies don't really work, they love to play chase when they see the camera and are much smaller than people. ;) Hence the practice on the mannequin torso i have. Maybe i'll just have to stick to bugs, nature and stuff like that, at least until i find a significant other. I have no idea. One thing i like about Model Mayhem is that the models are my my sensibility, goths, punks, that sort of thing. More normal ones are there too, but where's the fun in that. ;) I also don't really have a studio space, right now i just use what room i need for whatever i'm shooting, or just outside. I've thought about converting my garage into a studio, and building on to make a new garage, or having a room built above the garage, i have no idea. That would give a nice room that could be used for that though. Not sure if i could though with codes and whatnot. Ideally in my dreams i would have a barn or some kind of out building i could use if i finished it, plenty of room and big and open. That rules out city living heh. Pie in the sky there too though. There was a house for sale down in LaCrosse when i was looking that had a barn converted into a year round basketball court, it was pretty awesome, but not in the location i really wanted. Something like that. I get the feeling models don't want to go to photographers homes, even when i would be the most professional at all times. Hmm... going to have to think about this it seems. 

On another subject, it's snowing, again. Ugh. Supposed to snow through tuesday too. Looks like this winter is going to be cold and full of snow. Today is 10F (-12C) with what seems to be a half a foot at least of snow on the ground and plenty of more to come. Thankfully i got The Greenskeepers  (funny how they do snow too, lol) to come and clear the mounds of snow keeping my car from escaping. I would do this myself, but one year i hit an ice mound, and it cut clean into my oil pan. Killed my poor VW Bug. All from the snow plow blocking me in and making it impossible to get clear. They come with a cute little plow thing (i call it Mister Plow) and do it lickity split, and they do a much better job than i seem to be able to do. Now if i can just clean out the garage.

I just have to point out how i had dreams last night that were all about most of the people in the world dyeing off, thanks movie night. ;) I also keep stupidly having these dreams about a certain someone having faked their own death, and finding out in a very painful way. Yeah, not so fun. 

Damaged goods

I've been watching Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, even though i don't do drugs, i've known enough people who did them and it's interesting to hear Dr. Drew talk about things. One of the people mentioned feeling like damaged goods, and sometimes i understand that feeling even though i haven't gone the drugs route. Something sad is that Amber Smith totally reminds me of Jodi, in looks, addiction, and all that. Watching it i kind of wonder if she had better support that maybe she could have gone a better direction, and hearing some of the things Dr. Drew says makes me see that i could have been better to her, more so near the end. Although i can't keep beating myself up over that, she made her choices, i didn't have as much influence as i keep thinking over her. You can only help someone who really wants the help and is ready for it. Anyway, back to damaged goods, which i am feeling sort of like. I keep trying to tell myself it's the women who don't see the good and not me they are rejecting, but then reality hits me with it's cricket bat. People want the easy way, no matter how much i stand by, wow, i could go into this, but the last two relationships had things i stood by which in hindsight i probably shouldn't have. Not bitter, but wondering why i do that while others won't even give the chance for me. Hmm.. this is getting emo. Sorry about that. Nothing too special has been going on otherwise, still importing cds, up to 450 now. Bunnies are goofy. It's cold and snowy out, but decently warm inside. Listening to podcasts and looking at websites about photography to try and inspire me. Still wanting a new Canon 5d Mark II, badly. That camera is sweet looking, but backordered big time, and i don't know if i can swing it. At least i have the previous version 5d, it's still good. Going to go now, hasn't this been an informative blog? ;)

Snowing hard out

It's snowing really hard out there, i can't tell how deep it is, but it looks pretty thick. I love how snow looks, really i do, but roads get bad and people drive stupidly, and then there is the fact of removing it all from drives and walks. I forgot to re-up the snow removal contract i had previously, so hopefully i will be able to get them to come do it. They come out if the snow fall is over a certain amount, which helps as the plow loves to put a huge pile of hard snow right at the end of my drive. Being on a cul-de-sac doesn't help that, right here is where the snow goes, either right on top of the fire hydrant (good one) or against the light pole that blocks more of my driveway. Could be worse, but i see why older people from here move down south, you get tired of dealing with snow, roads, cars not starting, all that fun. Speaking of which, i went to the bank today, and my window was froze shut, wouldn't go down for a while. (not going to make a pun there, lol. oh wait, did i just?) I don't mind the cold as much as some people seem to, growing up in cold and having to walk everywhere (up hill, both ways) must have gotten me used to it. Oh well, still have issues with it. 

On another note, this cd importing is taking ages. I've done nine boxes of cds, each box holds roughly thirty cds or so, and i have eight or so boxes to do, not counting box sets and odd shaped ones. It's interesting to see what i forgot i used to love and even some i forgot i had. Which reminds me, i really want a Drobo or two, one for photos and one for mp3s. Pretty neat storage system, hot swapping drives with four bays, any size drives too. Hard drive crashes suck. The gigabit ethernet addon looks sweet too, being able to share across all computers easily seems sweet. 

Feel like i'm in a funk but can't put a finger on it. Not sure why or where it came from, but it's annoying. My sleep schedule is all over the map, i keep falling asleep at odd hours and sleeping through things i don't want to. I also keep waking up at midnight and not being able to sleep until the sun comes up, which sucks as my shades in the bedroom don't block a whole lot of light, and it shines right in. If i try to normal it out, it just skews more annoying hours. What is up with that? Hope i'm not getting sick or something. 

Silly me

I must have been feeling frisky or something, earlier tonight i had part of a glass of gewerstraminer and then when i got home after a while i decided i "needed" a couple of white russians. (Long story that has no point where this morning i went out and got vodka and kahlua, i don't know either)

What i had forgotten was that my meds do odd things with alcohol and my body. They were drunken slowly, but

it seems to have made me funny in the head, more so than normal i am guessing. It also made me quite warm feeling.

I drink maybe once or twice a year with this amount. A glass a month is a lot for me, more a social drinker, although

now i'm going to have to rethink that too. I don't know what the point of this post is really, i'm still a little loopy, which

could be obvious as i'm posting at 5 am, and Google Chrome is probably going to mess this post up too. :P

Misleading Trailers

So after seeing a trailer for a movie called Special, i saw it was going to be on and tivo'd it. It wasn't a bad movie, but the trailer made it look more like a comedy and it felt almost anything but. Very melancholy and pretty tragic. I hate when whoever makes the trailer makes it look like a different genre or mood. Although i do love it when people remix trailers to be something else, but that's not meant to give an idea of the movie. There have just been too many trailers that do that, and i'm not even going into the ones that give the whole movie away or have only the best jokes. I'm not saying i could do it better, but someone should be able to at least. 

Cleaning and thinking too much

Currently cleaning the computer room, have been a lot actually, but it's pretty messy with cords everywhere. Been doing that while importing cds back into iTunes after a hard drive crash, instead of just sitting and waiting. Sadly it hasn't kept my mind from going bad places. Kind of obvious where, but oh well. Thanksgiving wasn't anything special here, besides spoiling bunnies with spring mix with herbs. Talked to my mom and dad, which was nice, but sad he's got tooth trouble too. Something about a cavity under a cap, yikes. I had a subway sandwich i got yesterday and some moon pies. Some day i will have to go into my big oops purchase of moon pies online where i didn't notice the quantities button. Good thing i have been craving them like my life depended on it. I should warn you now, if its not too late, this is going to be a rambling post. I had a lot i was going to ramble on, but i kind of forgot it mostly, not sure why or where it went. Kind of also wondering what i'm going to be doing for Christmas, looks like the family isn't doing a big gathering this year and thats something that is going to be falling back too with each of my other siblings and their kids starting their own traditions. It's kind of been like that for a few years now, with me traveling to my brothers house as it's only about six hours away, although now that my sister is closer, she's close to the same. Kind of sucks big time not having anyone special to do these things with. Something that also sucks is when family is around and you've been single for so long, you always get asked by everyone when you are going to find a girl and settle down, or if you are seeing anyone, all that crap. Not fun. Not good times. No offense to my friends who do have that, but it's also kind of third wheel feeling when you are the only single one at big occasions too. Hard to explain though. Maybe it's just me. I did warn you this post was rambling. 

Couldn't sleep

I couldn't sleep so i ended up watching a couple movies. I made the mistake of the first movie being 1408, not that it was a bad movie, but not one to try to sleep after watching. After that i watched Bigger, Stronger, Faster, which wasn't really what i thought would be like. Sort of more sympathetic with steroids, although not a bad documentary though. Not sure why i can't really sleep, probably just too much on my mind, so i thought i would try and get some of them out here. Worried about a friend of mine too, she doesn't sound like she is doing too hot, down with family for Thanksgiving. Ironically (probably using it wrong) down near where my sister now lives. I'm kind of regretting not going to my sisters for Thanksgiving, so i could be there for her, but with a seven or so hour drive one way it's just not a quick trip. I worry about my friends when they have troubles, and i know she has family issues, so i'm worried about her. Hopefully i haven't said anything that would upset her more.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, here is something i wouldn't mind seeing on my table. (nsfw) His other photographs are pretty awesome too, and envy his talent (and ability to photograph beautiful women, duh). I do miss having those Thanksgivings years ago where all those who didn't want or couldn't go to family, coming over for videogames, music, good fun food, and just hanging out. Sort of like a Freak Family Thanksgiving. ;) My plans for the day? Probably resting during most of it, watching movies, videogames, and what i do most of the time really. 

Totally unrelated, i got a new bunny carrier today, and left it open on the floor by the food bin. Kitty keeps going into it and sitting in there a lot. Pretty funny. It's a normal pet carrier type, where a gate opens on the front and the top can be lifted off too. The other ones i have are nice, but the bunnies keep chewing the fabric apart. Kitty has been adorable all day really, very affectionate, grooming Zack a ton, begging for snacks, and just being Kitty bunny. These bunns rock. Seriously. ;)

I was watching Gremlins 2 the other day, and imagining it as a true horror film, not a horror comedy. Gizmo is pretty freaky as is, if you really think about it and notice the details. He has very human fingers, and creepy features. Most other creatures on the planet get pleasure from reproducing, but not gizmo (it should be noted that it seems like the bad gremlins enjoy "budding", but gizmo seems to be in pain). There is a very creepy patricide thing going on when the other gremlins start to basically torture Gizmo, their parent. All around the bad gremlins seem to enjoy torture and other pretty bad behavior. Then there is the scene where the gremlins assimilate the DNA in the lab, opening up a whole Aliens type thing. Most of the lines in the movie could have just been acted differently and been pretty freaky, trust me, watch it with that in mind and it will be funny. 

Yes, i do have a too much free time on my hands. 

First post i guess. Just to get the ball rolling, seeing as i am growing to hate the myspace blog experience more and more. 

Mostly this blog will be my random thoughts and ideas about things, and probably the bunnies a lot too.