Thursday, December 18, 2008

in the rhyme or reason

Somewhere i had read a while ago that touch was important to the development of pretty much all creatures. More so in the early years, but even in day to day to connect with others. Maybe that's why i'm feeling less connected to people and actually starting to loath most people. I definitely am feeling more and more misanthropic it seems, where besides friends i just want people to leave me alone. Actually, that's not true, i want them to be better than they are, not the flawed annoying ones who do stupid things. (not talking friends there, but the random people) I used to be a pretty empathic person, caring more about them, and such. (although that came after going through a lot of searching and working, long story, maybe someday i'll go into that, or not) I still reach out to people, like check out people, just trying to see if there is anything going on there other than the mechanical doing their job thing, thoughts, emotions, that sort of thing. Rarely seems to happen. Something along those lines i've never understood, if you are just there to do that and such, don't ask how someone is doing or similar questions if you don't really care. I know you are just making small talk. Sometimes i just have to see, so i answer truthfully, and sometimes it sparks something, but not often. Lots of dead behind the eyes people out there. Maybe it's the stores, or timing, or something, but a lot of people don't seem to have something going on behind the eyes, or i'm loosing that. My empathy seems to be moving more towards animals and such, being who i am spending more time with and learning from. Kind of sad that my most human contact comes from getting haircuts and tattoos, at least for the past four or five years, with one exception that caused me to withdraw more than it did to open me up, but that's a long story too. I know others have it worse, for longer, but for so long i had used that contact, even just emotional contact, to help connect me to other people and care about them. It used to be one of my biggest fears to be alone, i used to even have night terrors about that as a child that repeated in odd ways, and i hadn't quite figured out why. I'm starting to, i think at least. I could be totally wrong that is. I could just be clawing at the darkness trying to grab another's hand and not be forced to suffer alone. Trying hard to find the good to keep my spirits up, thankfully the bunnies help, they are honest and sincere. 

Just got reminded of something from Shadow of a Doubt that kind of relates:

"You go through your ordinary little day, and at night you sleep your untroubled ordinary little sleep, filled with peaceful stupid dreams. And I brought you nightmares. Or did I? Or was it a silly, inexpert little lie? You live in a dream. You're a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? Do you know the world is a foul sty? Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you'd find swine? The world's a hell. What does it matter what happens in it?"

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Must have been grumpy

Sorry if i offended anyone with the last post, i've just been in a grumpy mood, and i can't blame it on the weather since i'm so damn nordic blooded. I'm not exactly a huge fan of the cold, but my mother always told me she was always surprised how i didn't seem to mind the cold the way others did. Not sure where that comes from other than what my genetics supposed to be. (lots of unsureness there from what i'm told, good times, ugh) Anyway, i am more a spring person, nothing like the smell of green coming up, snow melting, life coming back, the whole sensations of smell and taste and sound. I could live in spring forever, if not for the allergies. That is murder. Allergies suck, and seem pretty damn pointless. Yep.

Got a gift from my parents today, a gift from Harry and David, nice fruit and other treats. Kind of nice getting yummy things, and i have to give kudos to the mailman, they left it at the post office instead of letting it freeze in the truck. Sadly that meant driving in the snow, where people felt the need to tailgate me non-stop. Thankfully no one hit me, but there were slick spots. Do people still not know how to drive in winter? I guess not.

Cleaned the library area a bit, still have over half my books to put into the database, and sort. Piles of books everywhere. That's more than enough work, but at least the area is more clean. Speaking of stuff like that, i have been having these dreams where i have moved into another house, one was back into the old house in laCrosse, for some reason. Another was this awesome 80s style crossed with art deco type house, about three times the size of this one and oddly where someone killed themselves and the parents of the person kept visiting. There was also this awesome pond type thing out back. How come houses in dreams are just so much cooler than ones in real life? (Stupid question, it's a dream, duh) Maybe if i ever take over the world, i'll build one of these.

Not a whole lot thrilling going on really, same old same old. Yippie.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Yep, it's cold

If i hear one more person call global warming a fraud just because it's cold out, i'm going to go postal. I'm thinking they just don't know how global warming works, but then i just get sick of the stupidity and want to snap. They also go on a rant about Al Gore, for some stupid reason. If it's too cold for you here, you are a wimp and should move somewhere it doesn't get so cold. (for the record, it's -8F, -22C with a wind chill of -25F, -32C right now, supposed to be even colder later) Yes, it's cold, complaining about it and such is just as stupid as people who feel compelled to say "Cold enough for you?" and laughing like you've never heard it before. For the record, global (say it with me, global) warming results in changing weather patterns with more extremes and more violent weather, not having a warm winter. (i say this as someone who was going to school for meteorology and climatology. I just got bored with it if you were wondering) Grr... Just to put it in perspective, my parents who live in Florida and friends who live in Texas complain just as much that it's getting near 40F down there, and they all lived up here when it got colder. So you get used to whatever where you live. 

On to something a little less annoying for me, i've been drinking a bit. Not just today, but pretty much every night or every other night. This is big for me. I've usually drank once a year or twice if i was feeling frisky. For the record, they don't recommend drinking alcohol while on cymbalta, for various reasons you can read about there. I'm not sure what is making me want to really, other than i'm able to sleep decently, have decent dreams, be in less pain, and forget my troubles. When i say drinking, i'm really only talking about two white russians a night, and that gets me loopy. Before you say "lightweight", take a look at what alcohol does while on cymbalta. Good times. Tonight i tried a brandy alexander, and i know i'm not much a drinker as the whole alcohol taste just makes me cringe, so i end up going more of the cream into it (two to three times, same with the white russians, i'm a fruity drink drinker). Not the most thrilling story, but just something that i've been thinking about. 

Still up in the air about photography, feeling unskilled and untalented. Comes and goes, hopefully will go soon so i can get up a little more. Need something to get me going, not just photography, but in general. Most days i've been getting up, taking meds, sitting in front of computer for a little while checking the same sites, and then staring at the tv for a little while getting down and then hanging out with the bunnies trying to cheer up. Yep, that's my day. Thrilling. Some variations of course, but after a lot of let downs and rejections, it's getting hard even with the cymbalta to make the effort for fear of more of that. Not helping that X-Mass is coming up and everywhere you look it's "be happy!". :P