Monday, January 30, 2012

What to say to who

Been having pretty bad depression and mood swings like i haven't had in ages, and it's also tossed my sleep schedule off like you wouldn't believe. I'm not exactly sure if something spurred this on or if it's just chemistry, but it's frustrating that i don't have someone to talk to it about, with all the things that are running through my mind. It's one of the things i miss about being in a relationship with someone who actually cares (rarer than you'd think, especially ones that are willing to handle the depression and fears), or even my old friend Jodi, who while maybe not as understanding as i thought, was at least willing to listen and not mock. Therapists seem to not really listen, they always seem to push to what they feel, at least a lot of the ones i've had were. Not really sure who i can talk to, or if i have someone i can, so most of the time i bottle it up or write it out here.

I read something a person i follow on twitter who also has depression that hit a bit home, "Sometimes it feels lie you've reached the book's end, yet everything keeps moving, going on long after it should've ended. This is no book." I so know that feeling. It's been feeling worse than a rut for quite some time now, nothing moving, nothing progressing, no movement all. Absolute zero. Everyone always seems to say how easy it is to change it, but if they've never been i am now, they can't understand. Every direction i see to move all leads to either the same or more disaster. An infinite amount of paths, all branching out into an infinite amount of paths, infinitely, and only one is the one that doesn't  lead to disaster or doom. So i am immobile with fear of not picking the right one. It's funny, i'm kind of obsessing on a near impossibility to help me move. I know the odds are astronomical, and yes i'm being vague, but it's also probably better odds than the other roads. I guess in a month or so i'll know.

Besides that, for some reason i got into a cleaning fit for the kitchen. It's funny, the depression keeps it a mess most of the time, things not so organized to put it mildly, stacks of papers and books everywhere (yes, in a kitchen too), and general chaos. Something got into me though last night or so and started cleaning it. A little while before i basically emptied the fridge, so many expired things, duplicate things, etc, but it was so full of crap i just didn't eat and probably couldn't eat even. So now i've gotten most of the countertops clean and organized, harder than you'd think, but getting there. I do like it clean, but when you hit the place i've been mentally lately, you look at it and just don't see the point. No one ever sees it besides me, except on the couple of times my parents visit each year, and it's gotten so bad that even with the few days notification that they are coming, i can't get it all clean. Just too much and never enough energy. I guess at least i got the garage clean that one time, now it's mostly boxes that need to be broken down and stuff that needs to be organized. Sort of like the rest of my house and my life too.

I don't know what i'm trying to say here, just rambling i guess. Tired, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc. Hopefully something will start to look up, i really need it.

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