Friday, April 09, 2010

I long to be connected, I long to be affected

I don't know why, but the last few days have been an emotional roller coaster, with past thoughts and feelings. I know a part of it has been brought up by Zack passing, which has broken my heart and it's also heart breaking to see how Kitty is handling it. He passed while they were in their house together, and she looked lost and confused at him and at me when i picked him up and wrapped him in the quilt i was brought home in as a baby (ever since Clover passed, that's what i wrap them in after they pass, although they don't get buried or cremated in it. I prefer burial, but there were times the ground was too hard, and i don't think i could do the put them in the freezer until ground thaw thing.) So Kitty has not been her lovely self. She's always been active, and running around dancing, but since Zack left, she has been sitting in various spots for hours. She has been going where they hung out together, and sitting in the area where the kitchen meets the library, butt against the arch so she can see both rooms. She misses him. So do i. The good thing is she is eating, if she wasn't i would be terrified. I don't know how i would handle losing another bunn so soon. Side note, she's got something up with her skin/fur, where she is flaky and dandruffy, but the vet says she can't find anything wrong, no mites or blood issues. So later in the month or next she will go back to see if we can pinpoint it.

Anyway, back to where i was. Been bouncing around emotionally, and my sleep has shown it. I've been thinking about Jodi, and how things went, and how i'm letting that affect me more than it should. I'm afraid to let someone come over, to let them in, both physically and emotionally, because i'm afraid that similar will happen. I'm afraid of that happening again, watching someone i love spiral down, until the worst happens, and my words and actions all being the wrong thing. I also worry that in the six or so years since i've lived with another person, or even had someone in it, that i've gotten so disconnected from what "real people" do and live like, also that i don't really know what people mean or feel. I eat when hungry, mostly whatever i'm craving or have handy, as cooking for one usually makes too much food. So i end up making a cup of rice in my Zojirushi rice cooker, and topping with various things, or the instant ramen i've been talking about. When Jodi came two years ago, i was kind of shown that it's not what most people do, they have meals, do stuff.

I was also rather bluntly shown i have no clue what people really feel or think. Someone pointed out that what i thought was caring and affection was fake. I see that now, but i never seem to know what is actually going through someone else's mind or heart. I tend to think someone really likes me the way i like them, but it's not usually the case. More often than not it's me clueless that someone likes me and me thinking "I like them, but there is no way some one so awesome would like me that way", part of it is from history, where i've been shot down by people who were just friends.

I've also been afraid of those who just want something from me, what ever it may be, not that they care about me and want to share things with me. I give to those i care a lot about, but sometimes it seems there is too often times where there isn't honesty about feelings and being drug along. Like it's always me being the one to sacrifice, and lose out for the hope of being loved like i love.

It all sucks. Mostly the fear, and how i let it control me so much. I see others just go with the flow so much, and they seem so happy. But with me, it's like there have been so many times where doing that turned out to be the worst. I used to be one of those people, i think, where i could just see something and go for it, hoping for the best. Maybe not getting it, but not the worst. Now, i almost always expect the worst, or at least my brain starts to think the worst, even beyond the worst.

I don't know. It's pretty well summed up by this Apoptygma Berzerk song:

Here are the lyrics if you are curious:

Chew the pill that tastes like hell, but gives you strength 
Embrace the drug that makes you mad, cause still it turns you into Something else 
Feel the need for love grows stronger! 
Swap your mind for a mirror-search, and shake until the break of day

One day you'll realize that you were wrong 

And you'll regret that all this happened 
Did it (all) happen?
Some day you'll realize that you were wrong 
(You'll be) Left with paranoia, (as your only friend)

Your mind is full of enemies, the room is full of energies 

That want to take control 
They're all around you, and you're all alone 
Your mind is full of enemies, the room is full of energies 
Haunting your soul 
They're all around you, and you're on your own

One day you'll realize that you were wrong 

You'll regret that all this happened 
Some day you'll realize that you were wrong 
To be left with Paranoia


Battlescars said...

Remember I am always here. Almost always. I have no life outside of work & Gage. :P

tfangel said...

Thanks. This is more me thinking about past relationships, and looking at them with the perspective time and distance gives us. Kind of like "why did i do that?" or seeing how someone really saw you or treated you without the self delusion. I deluded myself a lot for a lot of reasons in the past. Did things i probably shouldn't have, because of love or wanting to be loved.

If that makes sense. :P

Bad day of fighting off depression that came out of nowhere led to this.

Andrea said...

Murf! I second Amy. There's more I could say, but I should probably leave it for a message. <3 Nothing bad! *HUGE HUGS*