Monday, June 28, 2010

I've fallen, and i can't get up.

Has been a while since i've posted anything other than movie nights, kind of have my reasons, but we'll see if i actually talk about those.

Just cleaned the downstairs bathroom and most of the hall leading to it. Sounds easy right? Something you may have noticed is that when i do post pictures of my house, they are 'clean'. I never take pictures of the 'before', and with good reason. While a lot of the time, it's just clutter, or dozens of books stacked everywhere, it's still a huge mess. I live in chaos, it's my constant companion. If i get too used to something, in comes chaos to smack me upside the head and shakes it all up. Can chaos be a constant? Would that be ordered chaos? I have no idea. Just feels right. The funny thing, in the middle of the chaos are these islands of order that drives me batty if it's not that way. Books that are on shelves are alphabetical by author, and subject in specific areas, although i ran out of shelf space a while ago. Five Billy Bookcases with the height extension units so they go almost to the ceiling, and glass doors to stop the bunnies from eating them, and i could easily see needing another two to four, and still not have enough room for all of them. There are pictures of them in the link up there, so yeah. Also the dvds and video-games, sections ordered out with movies and tv shows in different zones, alphabetical by title. Doesn't get me in heavy anxiety if they are out of sorts, but i tend to feel the "need" to put it 'right'. So, the rest of the house is a mess, along with stuff that needs to be fixed for various reasons (the chaos seeping into it and going "hey! i need to be fixed!"). You don't even want to know about the garage. Only three people have seen it in the last few years, and one is dead. It's only gotten worse, and worse. Whenever i try to take care of that, something prevents it from happening.

Every time i start though today, i just can't seem to keep going. There is a heavy feeling of gloom that i can't just shake off lately. Didn't help that when i went out to get bunn food and cleaning supplies that so many people i ran into were just rubbing me the wrong way. Then as i'm coming down a road near the house i see a cat dead on the road. It's a road that people shouldn't be going over 25mph, and the cat was on the edge. There is no reason a car should have hit it. If you think "so what, it's just a cat" consider that the houses on the road almost all have kids ten and under, and if you can't stop for a cat, you won't be able to stop for one of them if they run out. Which i've seen almost happen. Several times. I get pissed at seeing animals being hit too (besides the cat, i've seen several rabbits and squirrels hit every time i go out) because i know it's not usually a case of "i couldn't avoid it safely" and more a case of "who cares" or even the more maddening redneck "ten points!" (i've known people like this personally).

Besides that, there is so much else that just seems to be going wrong and getting to me. I'm not even talking about the oil in the gulf, or other world events, but things more close to me, people i know and care about. Nothing that seems life threatening, this time, but it's had me thinking about things, past, present, future. I know i'm an odd duck, have odd behaviors, beliefs, experiences, etc., so i know i'll never really find a place i truly fit in. I'm becoming more and more okay with that. Part of the problem though is i've also been reflecting on the past, people, relationships, etc. On reflection, seems a lot of takers in my life, some also gave, but more "what can he do for me", sort of thing. Not just 'things', but feelings, love, time, etc. If that makes sense. Once that is done, they were done with me. Not going to get into specifics, but looking back on talks and such we had, there was one who i thought had genuine affection for me, cared, all that, didn't really much, if at all. There was truly nothing i wouldn't have done for her, even if most of the time we were just friends. It was the times we were more that i guess i was kidding myself about, heck, even maybe the friendship itself. I don't know. I'll never really know though, will i? Eh, if i say more, it will be even more obvious who i'm talking about, but for some reason i want (no need to though) to keep this vague. I keep replaying the last time we were together in my mind, over, and over, and looking at it from different angles. Each time, i see something i might have missed, or done differently, something i could have said, or said wrong. But then i also think, none of it really mattered. It was a long time coming, and as much as i thought i meant or affected, in the end, i meant as much as that fly that is buzzing around the room.

I seem to be able to understand a lot of different things, but people and their motivations aren't one of them. That's for sure.

Maybe i'll go back to trying to clean again. I'll see how that goes.

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