Thursday, December 18, 2008

in the rhyme or reason

Somewhere i had read a while ago that touch was important to the development of pretty much all creatures. More so in the early years, but even in day to day to connect with others. Maybe that's why i'm feeling less connected to people and actually starting to loath most people. I definitely am feeling more and more misanthropic it seems, where besides friends i just want people to leave me alone. Actually, that's not true, i want them to be better than they are, not the flawed annoying ones who do stupid things. (not talking friends there, but the random people) I used to be a pretty empathic person, caring more about them, and such. (although that came after going through a lot of searching and working, long story, maybe someday i'll go into that, or not) I still reach out to people, like check out people, just trying to see if there is anything going on there other than the mechanical doing their job thing, thoughts, emotions, that sort of thing. Rarely seems to happen. Something along those lines i've never understood, if you are just there to do that and such, don't ask how someone is doing or similar questions if you don't really care. I know you are just making small talk. Sometimes i just have to see, so i answer truthfully, and sometimes it sparks something, but not often. Lots of dead behind the eyes people out there. Maybe it's the stores, or timing, or something, but a lot of people don't seem to have something going on behind the eyes, or i'm loosing that. My empathy seems to be moving more towards animals and such, being who i am spending more time with and learning from. Kind of sad that my most human contact comes from getting haircuts and tattoos, at least for the past four or five years, with one exception that caused me to withdraw more than it did to open me up, but that's a long story too. I know others have it worse, for longer, but for so long i had used that contact, even just emotional contact, to help connect me to other people and care about them. It used to be one of my biggest fears to be alone, i used to even have night terrors about that as a child that repeated in odd ways, and i hadn't quite figured out why. I'm starting to, i think at least. I could be totally wrong that is. I could just be clawing at the darkness trying to grab another's hand and not be forced to suffer alone. Trying hard to find the good to keep my spirits up, thankfully the bunnies help, they are honest and sincere. 

Just got reminded of something from Shadow of a Doubt that kind of relates:

"You go through your ordinary little day, and at night you sleep your untroubled ordinary little sleep, filled with peaceful stupid dreams. And I brought you nightmares. Or did I? Or was it a silly, inexpert little lie? You live in a dream. You're a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? Do you know the world is a foul sty? Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you'd find swine? The world's a hell. What does it matter what happens in it?"

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