Saturday, April 04, 2009

insomnia and the future

So i'm sitting here upstairs in the computer room, where it's humid and probably too warm (put over six computers in a room together and it tends to get warm, one winter when i was running them a lot, i kept the window open and it never got under 70F, ugh. It was below zero that time). Why i'm writing here, i don't know. What i'm saying, i don't know either. I just can't sleep lately, well, not true, i sleep, only when i'm exhausted and have had a second vicodin and other meds. I don't look forward to the dreams i have been having, or the waking up and realizing where life is either. Although i do look forward the bunns, that's a good thing. I used to look to the future with a bit of wonder, the realm of possibility, where anything can happen. Lately it seems it's more i see the future as a place where even more people i care about will die or leave, more doctor visits, and more people letting me down (not those close, but people as a species). I haven't posted a picture on any of the blogs lately as i just haven't been able to get up the motivation to do anything really. Most of what gave me please in life just doesn't seem to have a point, it's like being on a treadmill, going nowhere but knowing you're going nowhere and all that work doesn't mean a thing. God, where did my passion go? Was it so many people i care about passing? I looked up to them, saw them as more talented and stronger than me, yet there they went. If they couldn't make it, what chance do i have? Although i have kept going, not really by choice, but oh well. 
Probably doesn't help that my birthday is in a couple weeks, 39, one year to 40. Ugh... Not looking forward to that in the least. Never really thought i would make it to 30, so that's something. Even though the last decade has been a wash, zero progress, not counting the bunnies, which are the only good thing those years. It's like any progress gets erased not long after, but with more a push back. Sort of like, here is a +1, then later, but you also get this -2, too bad. Just feeling impossible to get back to the positive. I know all the different thoughts, that this is temporary, life is loss, that sort of thing. I have no idea how to see that though. I can see there is more to the world than "this", the universe just keeps rubbing my face in it. 
I think it's time i took that bath i thought about a little while ago, and read more. That seems to get my mind off things, at least a little. 


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