Friday, March 05, 2010

Ironic or just plain stupid?

Hmm... So i went out to try and figure out some things to photograph in the area as i'm pretty badly slacking on my Daily Photo blog, (besides the fact that this town is pretty small, 12,000) and while it's mostly due to lack of motivation or energy lately, i also realized something that made me laugh to myself. There is just something funny about a guy who refers to himself as a hermit (at least i'm less of a hikikomori type than i was for a while there.) doing photography. Even my city daily photo blog is mostly my yard, or right outside there. While going through my whole digital photo library (whole thing is around 40k photos, some repeats i believe though), i realized how many were right here. Here being inside my house or the yard. I have over 4,000 of just the bunnies, although to be honest, they do rock. 

I was also going through the local models on Model Mayhem (This is me by the way) seeing who might be interesting to work with, when it hit me with the social anxiety. Even thought it would be totally professional and not me trying to get a date, it hit me hard. This is kind of sad to admit, but i also was very nervous about adding the people i worked with at Painted Muse 2, worried they would think i took crap photos, even though it's not true, a lot of them have been very complimentary. 

I used to not be so worried what people thought. Not sure when this changed or why really. I used to go dancing with my awesome kilts and outfits i made myself, hair all sorts of colors. I used to flirt, sometimes knowingly, sometimes not. I was shy but generally outgoing if i wanted to be. After i moved away from my small hometown area to Milwaukee, i said to myself "who cares what they think, be happy", not always successful in that, but more so than lately. 

Funny side note, once i started going dancing in Milwaukee, i had to just stop caring if people thought i was a dork if i wanted to have fun. This led me to dancing like a fool, but having a ton of fun and being in better shape than i feel now. Maybe that's just age, who knows, but i miss that. Not sure i want to be that crazy old guy at the club though. (again, caring what they think of me, ugh)

So yeah, not sure where this post is going. I guess that photography isn't really something my hermit like life would go with, but i also hoped that it would help draw me out of that. It has in a way. I never would have done the Painted Muse thing at my worst. I hope to do more things like that in the future, there was one this month, but pretty much all my money has been going to bunny care (i'm so going on retail therapy once this is calmer), with five bunnies annual check ups being not cheap, and Zacks care being actually expensive. They are so worth it, but it's shot down getting new photography stuff or trips to do the events. This is stupid of me to focus on, but it's another reason i miss Jodi, she was all for being photographed, and made a great model. (although she had image issues with her eating disorders, she never saw herself like i thought she should, she also made no secret of them, so i don't feel i'm breaking her trust here. Plus, her being dead and all.) 

I do think my macro and nature stuff is much easier to do with being a hermit though. Heck, in a way it's better. Not needing to worry about someone else and all that, just find the subject and do it. Although as hard as people are to deal with, nature can be harder than people. They just don't listen or care what you tell them, "No! Don't move that way! Come back here!!". So yeah. 

I also thought about going over my troubles in World of Warcraft and other MMOs over the years, with how my fear of people carried over into that too, but i think that's a post for another day. It will probably be a bit too much like this blog post though. 

1 comment:

Battlescars said...

My offer still stands... if you think I would be a good model that is... And I do think you should take your old advice to yourself. Who cares what anyone thinks, be happy. :) *hugs*