Journals

I was cleaning my very disorganized computer room (several computers not hooked up, as there isn't room for all of them, several are nostalgia ones, the Apple IIe, the SGI O2, etc, but a part of me wants them up and running, that's a story for another day i think though) and i came across my older journals. Starting in the fall of 2004, i started writing in moleskine notebooks, starting with the plain ones and then the ruled ones.  I know people knock them for being too trendy, but i like the form factor, hard backs, paper and how it holds ink. So anyway, i had four filled ones, two plain and the rest lined. Four filled ones from late 2004 to January 2006. Then one lined one half filled till now. I just stopped it seems, writing a page here and there, nothing much though. I have noticed that i'm writing more online than i did then, but i also write more than what i would put online for various reasons. What i put online i don't really mind if people read. I express my thoughts and feelings, but not those that generally would cause problems, be boring to others (more so than this Andy? heh), just plain repetitive, or feelings about people.

It's something i started doing as a way to work through things, understand feelings i was having, and also to help my very faulty memory. Side note here, you have no idea how frustrating it is when people think you didn't just pay attention to them when you don't remember something, when you also don't remember major parts of your own life. Just saying.

So i've been reading parts of them again. It's funny with the journals though, how it seems to have taken me a little while to settle into a 'style'. I wrote with various pens, then got to using the most unusual ones i could find, several pages written in colored glitter pens. I think part of that was to make it more 'fun' writing things that might be hard or i didn't want to express. I also added various types of art into them, drawings, clippings, mixed media, all sorts of things, if words failed me. Some were neat, some crap, all there.

I do wish i had done something similar to this all my life though, not remembering what was basically my whole childhood is frustrating to say the least, and it would be nice to know what i was thinking or feeling, or even what the heck happened during most of it. It is kind of depressing though when was going through my more depressed moments and re-reading that. The times where i didn't eat for a week or so, and the suicide attempts. So yeah. Someday i may go more into that, i'm not sure though.

A final thing to this rambling post (what's different eh?), i'm glad that one teacher got me printing more, with my dysgraphia if i had stayed with cursive it would have all been unreadable. I should go into the trouble i had with teachers in junior high, i was a mess with the dysgraphia and dyscalculia, amoung other things. Made it hell, to put it simply, then i was diagnosed by the Gunderson Clinic, and some teachers understood better. Not all mind you, but some.

Now i'm craving ramen, at 1am. Not sure where that came from, but i'm going to make a late night bowl of ramen.