I don't know what to say really to express what i've been feeling lately, something i know i have always needed to work on. So as a past therapist said, it's better to just try and express it somehow than holding it in and letting it cause damage. (this is paraphrased really, another example of my difficulty with words. Side note, my mom recently told me that one of my grade school teachers said i was really good with writing and poetry, the hell?? I have no memory of this, and wish i did, i don't even know where to look to see what it was. Oh well, more of my lost past.) Most of this is going to be rambling, about random things, most of which aren't too chipper. Just a warning.
One thing that has been on my mind, most people have no idea of what it's really like to be alone, which was one (if not my biggest) fear for a long time. People talk about it, think they grasp it. They see people, talk to them, are around them, do things with them, and think a day or so makes them alone. I understand the need to be away from people, really, i do. Do they know what it's like to go months without other people? I do. There was a time, a few years ago, where i could have done the old school version of the Abramelin ritual. We're talking six months, without significant human contact. Talked to parents on the phone rarely, mostly by email though. One significant friend, through IM most of the time. I won't even go into how many times and different ways i tried to end myself. Failed at those of course though.
Which brings me to that friend and those IMs. The programs i used saved chats, and lately (stupidly really) i've been re-reading them. Partly because i really miss her after her suicide, partly because i'm really missing having someone to talk with like we did, and who knows why else really. It was awesome to have someone who thought the same way most of the time, knew what i was thinking before i said it, and the other way around too. It's actually difficult to remember what it was like not having someone like that to talk to, how it was before her in my life. Even though it's now back to that, not having someone like that. I could tell her anything, and she could tell me anything, and we would understand. I have to admit i was very envious at those she dated and married, although it would have probably ruined what we had. I have no idea. I do wonder if a lot of people who are married have that, or if i'm just idealizing that. Probably not, as the divorce rate is so high. It was nice to have a friend that i would do anything for though, although i also felt that for those i dated.
Which brings me to an odd thing i've been feeling confused about too. I keep hearing how there are all these women who would just like someone to take care of them, yet can't find one to save my life. Maybe it's my geekiness, or oddness, or maybe my standards just went up a whole lot and i don't want to settle with just someone who would just use me. That's not to say i've never dated, i've had 15 girlfriends over the years, but since my last, it's been a dry spell. Honestly though, i did really love her, and it hurt a lot to not have her in my life. I probably could have handled it better (doubt i could have handled it worse really). So i have only myself to blame there. I'm probably not in the best area to find a geek girl, who likes rabbits (and holy crap do people around here like to tell stories about hurting rabbits when they find you have them, wtf people?? Do i tell stories about kids being abducted and laugh about it when i hear you have kids? No!) I probably didn't do myself any favors by having a vasectomy, seems a lot my age want kids, and not being able to have them is a deal breaker for them. Guess i am just going to have to resign myself to being the crazy bunny man (my version of the crazy cat lady i suppose.) Still, while driving around today looking for something to photograph (i failed to be inspired by the way) i thought how much more fun it is to do things like that with someone special.
A side note here, i used to be terribly shy. Now i tend to try to talk to people, but get almost paralyzed when people want to come over or i have to go out. I think that's a part of being a hermit for so damn long. I have lost that social "instinct". I just have no idea what people "do". I know what i do, but that is not what most do. Last person to spend any significant time here was my best friend, and i still felt awkward and unsure how to entertain her or what to do. I eat when i'm hungry, what i'm craving most likely, watch what i want, sleep when tired, etc. I also realize thats something good about being single, i don't bother someone else when i do that. I know it bugged my ex. That's something else the depression doesn't help. I tend to get obsessed with something, immerse myself in it deeply, sometimes going a bit overboard. (the several capped warcraft characters is one example, just looking at the books i have is another.) My depression also has a weird effect of making time seem to flow weirdly, i don't really notice it.
Anyway, it seems that i keep seeing people in jail having someone, so what's the deal with that? Am i that repulsive somehow lately? Probably not good to dwell on it though. I also tend to get really down on myself when i get depressed.
I should be sleeping. I'm tired, but can't, my brain won't shut up enough. Good times eh?