Sunday, February 21, 2010

"sometimes i can't fall asleep"

I don't know what to say really to express what i've been feeling lately, something i know i have always needed to work on. So as a past therapist said, it's better to just try and express it somehow than holding it in and letting it cause damage. (this is paraphrased really, another example of my difficulty with words. Side note, my mom recently told me that one of my grade school teachers said i was really good with writing and poetry, the hell?? I have no memory of this, and wish i did, i don't even know where to look to see what it was. Oh well, more of my lost past.) Most of this is going to be rambling, about random things, most of which aren't too chipper. Just a warning.

One thing that has been on my mind, most people have no idea of what it's really like to be alone, which was one (if not my biggest) fear for a long time. People talk about it, think they grasp it. They see people, talk to them, are around them, do things with them, and think a day or so makes them alone. I understand the need to be away from people, really, i do. Do they know what it's like to go months without other people? I do. There was a time, a few years ago, where i could have done the old school version of the Abramelin ritual. We're talking six months, without significant human contact. Talked to parents on the phone rarely, mostly by email though. One significant friend, through IM most of the time. I won't even go into how many times and different ways i tried to end myself. Failed at those of course though.

Which brings me to that friend and those IMs. The programs i used saved chats, and lately (stupidly really) i've been re-reading them. Partly because i really miss her after her suicide, partly because i'm really missing having someone to talk with like we did, and who knows why else really. It was awesome to have someone who thought the same way most of the time, knew what i was thinking before i said it, and the other way around too. It's actually difficult to remember what it was like not having someone like that to talk to, how it was before her in my life. Even though it's now back to that, not having someone like that. I could tell her anything, and she could tell me anything, and we would understand. I have to admit i was very envious at those she dated and married, although it would have probably ruined what we had. I have no idea. I do wonder if a lot of people who are married have that, or if i'm just idealizing that. Probably not, as the divorce rate is so high. It was nice to have a friend that i would do anything for though, although i also felt that for those i dated.

Which brings me to an odd thing i've been feeling confused about too. I keep hearing how there are all these women who would just like someone to take care of them, yet can't find one to save my life. Maybe it's my geekiness, or oddness, or maybe my standards just went up a whole lot and i don't want to settle with just someone who would just use me. That's not to say i've never dated, i've had 15 girlfriends over the years, but since my last, it's been a dry spell. Honestly though, i did really love her, and it hurt a lot to not have her in my life. I probably could have handled it better (doubt i could have handled it worse really). So i have only myself to blame there. I'm probably not in the best area to find a geek girl, who likes rabbits (and holy crap do people around here like to tell stories about hurting rabbits when they find you have them, wtf people?? Do i tell stories about kids being abducted and laugh about it when i hear you have kids? No!) I probably didn't do myself any favors by having a vasectomy, seems a lot my age want kids, and not being able to have them is a deal breaker for them. Guess i am just going to have to resign myself to being the crazy bunny man (my version of the crazy cat lady i suppose.) Still, while driving around today looking for something to photograph (i failed to be inspired by the way) i thought how much more fun it is to do things like that with someone special.

A side note here, i used to be terribly shy. Now i tend to try to talk to people, but get almost paralyzed when people want to come over or i have to go out. I think that's a part of being a hermit for so damn long. I have lost that social "instinct". I just have no idea what people "do". I know what i do, but that is not what most do. Last person to spend any significant time here was my best friend, and i still felt awkward and unsure how to entertain her or what to do. I eat when i'm hungry, what i'm craving most likely, watch what i want, sleep when tired, etc. I also realize thats something good about being single, i don't bother someone else when i do that. I know it bugged my ex. That's something else the depression doesn't help. I tend to get obsessed with something, immerse myself in it deeply, sometimes going a bit overboard. (the several capped warcraft characters is one example, just looking at the books i have is another.) My depression also has a weird effect of making time seem to flow weirdly, i don't really notice it.

Anyway, it seems that i keep seeing people in jail having someone, so what's the deal with that? Am i that repulsive somehow lately? Probably not good to dwell on it though. I also tend to get really down on myself when i get depressed.

I should be sleeping. I'm tired, but can't, my brain won't shut up enough. Good times eh?


Battlescars said...

First off, I love the way you write. It makes me feel like I'm sitting there listening to someone talk, and that's my favorite style of writing. I agree most people don't know what it's like to be alone. I've done the 6mo-year of rare human contact with most of it being virtual a few times in my life. And I know that since I've had Gage, I am never really alone... but I am without adult interaction most of the time. I do work, but it's with the public. My dealings with the public are so routine & rehearsed that when someone says something to me on a more personal level, it causes a little glitch & I have a hard time responding.
I'm eternally sorry for your loss, and I think losing someone you had such a strong connection with *is* probably making it difficult for you to make new connections. Well... that & your "crazy bunny man hermitty" nature. You are going to have to leave the nest at times to scope babes you know? I don't think you're being too specific or unrealistic about what you're looking for either, but you might want to look more at women who already have all the children they want... or would be willing to accept bunny babies. :D
Okay... *never* bring up the "women who would just like someone to take care of them" thing again. This is not 1952. Most women (myself included) would take offense to that. I know I don't need or want any one's help. I also don't need to be "fixed" or want to "fix" any one's problems. Trust me... you probably don't want anyone who needs to be taken care of or fixed anyway. And most geeks are very intelligent & self-sufficient. We just occasionally need someone to bring us a sandwich when we can't long enough to go get it.
I do wish you all the luck in the world meeting someone. You are such a special person. I think a someone would have to be just f'n crazy not to want to go out with an awesome, interesting guy like you... who has BUNNIES! And you know if you ever need to talk I am here, and I care about you sweetie. *HUGS* ~A

tfangel said...

"*never* bring up the "women who would just like someone to take care of them" thing again."

That's just some odd thing i have been hearing a lot of (stupid admittedly) people on TV say, and has been bugging me. I prefer having an equal around, the fact that i was really tired probably didn't help me express it very well. Sorry about that.

It was more meant as how i stand by them through damn near everything, and help them in what ever way i can. If that makes more sense. While what those people on tv want a 'sugar daddy" or something. Ugh, i can picture in my brain what i meant, but it's not coming out right. :P

I also wasn't talking about anyone i know personally in this. There was a bad run of trying online dating sites, since i wasn't getting out much, and wow did i have bad luck. It was just on my mind lately.

I warned it was a late night ramble. ;)

tfangel said...

Oh, and something to point out, i'm HORRIBLE at knowing when someone is flirting with me or just being nice. I tend to just assume they are being nice, and i've been wrong before. I've had many ex's tell me i'm dense that way. Yet i'm a huge flirt, sigh.

So when i do go out and try to meet people, it mostly ends with me going home confused and such. ;)

Side note about the bunny thing. I'm at the vet with Zack the other day, and this girl hears i have a bunny, then goes into DETAIL about how her cat ate a pet bunny they had. WTF???? I was SO pissed off, i've never wanted to smack someone so much in my life. Grr...

Battlescars said...

I think I know what you mean. I'm the type of person that's stood by whomever I've been with through just about everything, but I've never had anyone who's really been able to reciprocate that action.
I've done the dating sites too, and had miserable dates through them as well. Half of them never even showed up... ugh. Lame. But I would advise sticking with it. If Cal hadn't met Mat (Starch) through Okcupid & pointed me out to him... I don't know if we would've ever met on our own. And if I'd never dated Mat & subsequently become friends with him, I probably would've ever met you. And if I'd never met you... I might never have met Matt (Mills). So in a totally f'd up way, a dating site actually worked for me. :P

tfangel said...

Heh, that's cool. :)

One of my big problems with the ones i've tried so far were people in the twin cities saying i lived too far when i wrote them, ugh.

So many people on those seem to be really, really into sports and hunting, two things that i don't like. :P (so not a typical guy, lol)

Battlescars said...

lol... sweetie you are the best flirt EVER! Seriously, and I think I have probably already given you props for that in the past. But yeah... you are a little slow at realizing when someone is flirting with you. *Hint* Since you are sooo good at flirting, you should just assume everyone is flirting with you and flirt
omg... I can't believe someone would say something like that while you were at the vet's office with a very sick little bunn. What a stupid bitch!

Battlescars said...

Oh I know... I think that's just Wisconsin. It seems like the majority of the people I met on there, especially the ones around here, listed "huntin'" & "fishin'" as their main activities. Yeah... that's something that's really going to interest a vegetarian with a degree in computer programming. :P