Tuesday, February 23, 2010

"You must go to Gort, you must say these words..."

Why the quote, not really sure. Take it as you will. This is probably going to be pretty aimless, i'll try to be less misanthropic and depressed than i have been lately, but i make no promises.

One of the things i noticed about going through the chats like i have been, taking my time and reading one after the other, is i now see that she had been slipping away for years. At least three, just getting much worse at the last few months, understandably. I knew her childhood "events" (i honestly can't think of a better word, that describes what happened to either of us without going into too much detail, hers was worse, but same type, if that makes sense) scared more than her body, but i also saw the good in her. The potential for greatness in her. She could just go in front of a keyboard and play amazing music without sheet music, and make amazing art that was both realistic and surreal (hard to explain, but i wish i could have gotten her to make me some, she made some for other people though). I know this is sounding like i'm getting depressing and such here, but that's not where this is going, at least i don't think so. One of the last chats we had was where she was trying to get in her dad's gun safe (geeze andy, you sure it's not getting down??), and she was saying how she didn't see herself as worth anything and no talent, all that. I tried to tell her she had great potential and talents, but as one who has been there, i know nothing you can say to someone can change their minds. Still, on reading that again i realized that's how i've felt for a while now. No spark, no drive, no "alive" feeling inside.

There has been very little, if any, motivation in me. Unlike her, i didn't have a real "reason" to feel this way other than the depression. I've been in a rut for ages now. I think since woolly mammoths walked the earth. (yes, yes, i'm exaggerating there.) I get my obsessive moments, that run for months sometimes, but those are different. That's sort more sort of a "i need to learn or do all i can about this thing here", if that makes sense. It's not a "passion" by any means. Another example being when i got started on the Anita Blake and Meredith Gentry books. I couldn't just stop reading, not because i loved them, but because i felt i "had" to. Realize too that the Anita Blake ones are still being put out, and book 19 is out soonish. They aren't great books by far, the newer ones less so, but it describes that behavior. Another example was when i felt i "needed" to learn about wine. I don't really like wine or most other alcoholic beverages, but i read over 15 books on wine, watched video podcasts, even bought a ton of wine of all types. Still don't like it, but at least i guess i know more now, although there might be some i will drink, just don't get why people like it so much. Does that make sense?

(I'm breaking this huge wall of text up even though it's pretty much all one subject, fyi)

So yeah, where is that "passion" of mine? I loved doing 3D animation, and can still spend hours in Lightwave 3D and Maya, even though i've kind of given up on ever working for Pixar or ILM like i had dreamed of. (meanwhile those i introduced to it have and are working on films and such, sigh) I really enjoy photography, but also know that it's very, very competitive and rare that you will be paid well. Side note, one thing i love so much about photography is that it helps with my memory problems. I absolutely *love* looking back at photos and remembering things like the smells and feelings of when it was taken. That's awesome, especially when it's good times. So yeah, back to what i was talking about. While i did enjoy the Painted Muse 2 event, and working with very talented and beautiful people, i find myself thinking more about macro photography more and more passionately, if that makes any sense. Although there is a part of me that would love to mix the two, sort of macro landscapes of the human body, but wow would that be intimate even if no private area was involved. Just being that close (my favorite lens i have for macro, the Canon MP-E, needs to be almost touching and focuses by moving the whole camera closer and farther away, so yeah).

One thing i've been thinking about lately too is mixing the two (or more, as i forgot to mention i'm also not that bad at visual effects make up) together, in sort of a surreal type thing going on. Adding things that don't exist, and also going farther than the body paint, with textures and alien or fantastical looks. I don't know if there is much call for this, but i am thinking it might be fun and stir my passions. When i was younger, i loved seeing things and not knowing if they were real, or not being able to wrap my head around them. It also terrified me as kid, with some images or movies.

So while i'm not sure i'll ever feel quite "alive", (closest i remember is while chatting with her, some of our talks, hard to explain, but i didn't feel as much like an alien. She did say we were like the fae, or maybe she did say she thought we were that, i couldn't always tell with her, but it was nice to say and think things at the same times. We also never really fit in with any subculture really, even though i was more "goth" at points, i was just too goofy for most of them, heh. I'm probably also romanticizing the whole thing, not wanting to remember the bad she did or said. Oh well.) i've been thinking that besides being around the bunnies who make me smile more than anything, and frankly loved unconditionally (temperamental goof balls that they are), ill need to find that "thing" that motivates me more than just existing. Wow, that was a long run on sentence wasn't it?

See, it wasn't so depressing as you thought, or maybe it was. I never know how i come off sometimes. Especially when i get going on the keyboard. Typos and grammar be damned. ;) (rare emoticon there, i told myself i was going to try to curtail my use of them, more so on this blog, but it felt worth it)


eveelagenius said...

I would like to offically "Like" this post and the previous one. Your idea of marco landscapes of people is really intriquing. Particularly if you can avoid the obvious overtly sexual option. :P

tfangel said...

The tough part of the landscapes would be if i went as small as the scale could go, or even part of that, the area is so small that it would need details so it wouldn't look like just a flat patch of skin. I've played around on myself, but i'm not flexible enough to get more than hand/arm area and that lens+camera is heavy. With no autofocus, it's even harder. I'm sure lighting would play a big part too. Just something i've thought about, but haven't really had a chance to work on much.

eveelagenius said...

Things like hairs, moles, tattos, scars that sort of stuff with the correct lighting can add topography I would think.