Movie Night - March 27th, 2010

Another movie night, four movies again this time for us who lasted. Those who missed the last, wow did you miss out. ;)

First up, Death Race (2008 version):
   Lots of explosions and it reminded me of the early 80s game Car Wars. Turn off your brain, go with it, and watch lots of violence and explosions. ;)



Next was Surrogates:
   Better than i thought, i'll have to go listen to the VFX Podcast to see if i was right about them using the same system (i recall it being called Ruby, but i'm spacing right now) they used in X-Men 3 to make certain characters younger to make the surrogates look synthetic. (Side note, that system is used more subtly in regular movies to make actors and actresses look younger, but you will never know which ones because those who work on it sign very strict NDAs, good times)



Then Franklyn:
   Neat movie, i liked it, but it was much less "action" than i expected. It also went ways i didn't see coming, which was good, and the design is wonderful. May end up getting this one, especially if there are decent extras.



Lastly after most have left Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl:
   O...M...G... Balls to the wall batshit insane! In the best ways possible. This was SO un-PC, just an fyi, so if that bugs you, you might not be able to shut off your brain and enjoy this. I'm so buying this one too when i can. Those who missed it, i feel you may have to watch it, The trailer isn't even a fraction of the craziness in the movie, the scene where she is dancing in the 'blood rain' was awesome (watch for blood coming from all sides of the screen, heh). The music was bizarre and fun too. Still hearing it in my head. ;)

Movie Night - March 20th, 2010

Movies, Chinese food, and just two of us. Sort of a horror night.

First Up Blood the Last Vampire:
   Wow, this almost put me to sleep, even with the nice lighting and cute girls. :P Also, what was with the really bad CGI blood?? It just didn't fit. Odd choice. Really should have been better than it was, sigh.



Next, Dead Birds:
   Should be called, "Walking in halls looking for stuff in the dark". There was also one dead bird, only one. (i get that they might have been symbolic, but i'm mad at them, heh)
Yep. :P



Then, Mum & Dad:
  Brutal. Not sure what i was expecting, but ouch. Better than the first two, but not as good as the next. Main protagonist looked like the lead of Being Erica, with a damn hard to place accent. Side note, i could swear i read a real case similar to this somewhere. Could also be called "Don't Go Home with Chavs". ;) Seemed like it was heading the torture porn route, but while rough, not as bad.




Lastly and most entertaining and bizarrely Embodiment of Evil
   Ah Brazil, this was out there, and fun. Should also be sponsored by BME, heh. Lots of real suspension and piercing. Went from funny, to freaky, to OMG!! I did just keep wanting to clip those damn nails though. ;)

Bunny cave

It's been really nice and warm out, so i've had the windows and front door (screen though, so no bunns can get out) open while cleaning. I wondered where Zack had gone and went searching for him. He was hanging out on the stairs, in this spot that was like a little cave, books and such stacked up and a magazine roof going from them to the boots. He stayed on the stairs for hours, at least four. He would go up and down them, then back to this spot. I brought him some food while he was doing this, dry russell rabbit, some hay, and some baby food flavored apple and such. He eats in little spurts, five bites or so, when he can. From what the vet says, he isn't going to be getting many nutrients from his food though, and he's nauseous feeling a lot, but that as long as he's eating, he hasn't reached the final stages. He's skinny as hell, but still a fighter, pushes me out of his way with his nose. Silly pooper. Currently he's sitting behind me with Kitty, who has a skin condition that the vet can't quite figure out. Looks like dandruff. She's also gained a pound, which is kind of funny, as she was the smallest, but is now pudgy.

I also want to say how much i *hate* that carpet. It's a pain to clean, is ugly, and used to be more of the upstairs too. Someday i'll decide on what to do with those stairs and get rid of it. The bunnies seem to like it though, so there's that.

Movie Night - March 14th, 2010

Movie night run down again.

First up, 2012.
   Yeah, it's a movie. A long movie. Pretty much what i expected, and can now say i've seen it. ;)



Next was End of the Line.
   Indy film, so effects and such were low budget, but they get a pass for that. Some of the actors/actresses were better than others, and it started slow, but got better and more freaky as it went on.



and finally, and most awesomely, Bitch Slap
   Oh my, i can't say how much i LOVE this movie! So much fun, and just got more and more crazy as it went on. The cameos were awesome, although i kept expecting Bruce Campbell to show up. ;) My favorite of the night by far, and my favorite in a while. It's that damn fun.

Wow, i haven't played in a while

For some reason, i decided to play some World of Warcraft last night. I don't know why, but i haven't played since sometime last year, although this happens to me, i play a lot, then get a burned out feeling or have a bad experience with someone that makes it less fun for me. I've played some DDO, Star Trek Online, and such, but most of my WoW play has been only about a couple of minutes then feeling apathetic and logging out.

I won't go into how embarrassing it was for me in Alterac Valley that first time back, "oops, all my addons are at default and are blocking my view or set up wrong." All my macros were borked, i forgot where keys were bound, yeah, good times. ;) Also, as crap as i thought my gear was before, well it's worse now, good times. ;) (and i just discovered that all my spell ranks on the action bars were off by several levels, oops, probably because i am using a different laptop, ugh)

So yeah, i basically just noticed this thing in the armory that allows you put it in a webpage. D'oh!  >_<;










Yep, alt-a-holic here, and i do love the night elves, even though they dance like strippers. ;) I think part of it is that the ears remind me of bunnies, heh. Sad to say i'll probably make a night elf mage when i can. ;)
Thrilling post eh? ;)

Zack

Just because, here is Zack in his carrier at the vet tuesday. He looks better than he feels. He's really skinny, but active. He doesn't like going there, or going in the carrier, but it seems to be helping him feel better with the fluid injections. So hard to see him sad and not healthy. He's such an awesome bunn.

Just for Men

Grrr... I really, really hate these commercials. I'm sure women hate some with as much passion as i do the ones for this product. I'd link to some, but i couldn't find any good ones, so just click the headline and it will take you to a search on youtube of them. 

What i hate the most, the "OMG! You have grey hair! Dye it or you are a huge loser and everyone will run away from you and laugh in your direction!" I really hate the 'miss hottie' ones. Ugh. Beyond painful. 

If you can't tell, my hair is pretty damn grey (if not white in big areas), and has been going that way since i was around 20 or so. I've always wanted white hair, not sure why, but as long as i can remember i've wanted it. Which is funny, because i was blond until around 5 or so, then it got darker, to black, then the white hairs started showing up. Heck, if i was to go pure white, i'd be even happier. 

I don't have a problem with anyone dying their hair whatever color if it makes them happy, i've had blue, purple, red, and pretty much every color that exists. It's fun, easy, and nice to look however you want. One thing that bugs me is that the people in those commercials look older to me after they dye it, like you can tell more that their face is aged, but looks "wrong". I won't even get into how they make it seem like grey hair = no job, girlfriend, life, whatever. (i'm going to ignore the jokes about how that kind of fits me a bit, heh)

Eh, it's probably similar to what women go through, Target Women does a pretty good job at describing it. 

I guess guys just want sex, and hot women are attracted to these things. ;)

Some people

I've debated sharing this, but i'm still pretty flabbergasted at the people there that i feel i need to get it out.

Before movie night i stopped at a local gas station to pick up drinks and some snacks, as usual. It was pretty empty, but there were the workers and a couple of people hanging out. I took a while to decide on what to get, and as they weren't talking with inside voices, i overheard their conversation. The subject of their conversation was about a picture of girl in the obituary section of the local paper. They even got out a paper and passed it around. While i was at first worried it was going to go in the direction of the guys who dug up a body to have sex with, and i'm not exactly sure it didn't after that, it was pretty crass.

She apparently hung herself, and they were going on about "how much a slut she must have been" because "she wore too much makeup" and kept "forgetting her id and credit cards" there. Needless to say, i'm a bit touchy when it comes to suicide, and people who judge or make fun of people like they were. Obviously, if a 20 year old decides to do that, they have things that are pretty serious going on. I wanted to smack these people.

I do get the whole thing about how people distance themselves from others, and would have probably not been saying or doing these things if they knew the person (i don't by the way), but whatever happened to not behaving like a caveman?

Same thing that has been bugging me with people who judge too quickly without knowing facts. Not to mention people who should be smarter, like with addictions being in the genes, not a character fault. No, i rarely drink (like a couple of times a year basically) and i don't do drugs. I've just known many who have, done my research, and understand that what we live through and where we come from can really form us.

*sigh*, so yeah, people pissing me off again. No surprise there.

Movie Night - March 6th, 2010

 I decided that to help my memory, i'm going to talk a little about the movies we watch on Movie Night at a local friends house. There were movies we started, but just didn't 'flow' with what we watched before so we moved on. These are the ones that we watched the whole thing of. Not full reviews mind you, just summing up the thing.


First up, Two Faces of My Girlfriend.
I loved this. It starts out all wacky and zany, then takes a turn that gets pretty sad part way through. Hope that's not a spoiler, but really, with a girl who has multiple personalities, you should sort of expect it. I also want to say Jeong Ryeo-Won, who plays Ani and others, is absolutely adorable and excellent at giving each "character" their own personality. 


(I couldn't find a subtitled trailer, so here is one i did find.)



Next up was Table for Three.
Mary and Ryan were a hoot. I enjoyed this movie, but those two made it. The whole cast was good, but the chemistry and craziness of those two just put it over the edge. They owned the screen when they were on. 







Last movie was Long Life, Happiness and Prosperity.
Sandra Oh is awesome as usual, slower movie, but very nice. The little girl was great too. More a family drama, multiple families really, then the previous two, but still good. 

Ironic or just plain stupid?

Hmm... So i went out to try and figure out some things to photograph in the area as i'm pretty badly slacking on my Daily Photo blog, (besides the fact that this town is pretty small, 12,000) and while it's mostly due to lack of motivation or energy lately, i also realized something that made me laugh to myself. There is just something funny about a guy who refers to himself as a hermit (at least i'm less of a hikikomori type than i was for a while there.) doing photography. Even my city daily photo blog is mostly my yard, or right outside there. While going through my whole digital photo library (whole thing is around 40k photos, some repeats i believe though), i realized how many were right here. Here being inside my house or the yard. I have over 4,000 of just the bunnies, although to be honest, they do rock. 

I was also going through the local models on Model Mayhem (This is me by the way) seeing who might be interesting to work with, when it hit me with the social anxiety. Even thought it would be totally professional and not me trying to get a date, it hit me hard. This is kind of sad to admit, but i also was very nervous about adding the people i worked with at Painted Muse 2, worried they would think i took crap photos, even though it's not true, a lot of them have been very complimentary. 

I used to not be so worried what people thought. Not sure when this changed or why really. I used to go dancing with my awesome kilts and outfits i made myself, hair all sorts of colors. I used to flirt, sometimes knowingly, sometimes not. I was shy but generally outgoing if i wanted to be. After i moved away from my small hometown area to Milwaukee, i said to myself "who cares what they think, be happy", not always successful in that, but more so than lately. 

Funny side note, once i started going dancing in Milwaukee, i had to just stop caring if people thought i was a dork if i wanted to have fun. This led me to dancing like a fool, but having a ton of fun and being in better shape than i feel now. Maybe that's just age, who knows, but i miss that. Not sure i want to be that crazy old guy at the club though. (again, caring what they think of me, ugh)

So yeah, not sure where this post is going. I guess that photography isn't really something my hermit like life would go with, but i also hoped that it would help draw me out of that. It has in a way. I never would have done the Painted Muse thing at my worst. I hope to do more things like that in the future, there was one this month, but pretty much all my money has been going to bunny care (i'm so going on retail therapy once this is calmer), with five bunnies annual check ups being not cheap, and Zacks care being actually expensive. They are so worth it, but it's shot down getting new photography stuff or trips to do the events. This is stupid of me to focus on, but it's another reason i miss Jodi, she was all for being photographed, and made a great model. (although she had image issues with her eating disorders, she never saw herself like i thought she should, she also made no secret of them, so i don't feel i'm breaking her trust here. Plus, her being dead and all.) 

I do think my macro and nature stuff is much easier to do with being a hermit though. Heck, in a way it's better. Not needing to worry about someone else and all that, just find the subject and do it. Although as hard as people are to deal with, nature can be harder than people. They just don't listen or care what you tell them, "No! Don't move that way! Come back here!!". So yeah. 

I also thought about going over my troubles in World of Warcraft and other MMOs over the years, with how my fear of people carried over into that too, but i think that's a post for another day. It will probably be a bit too much like this blog post though. 

Journals

I was cleaning my very disorganized computer room (several computers not hooked up, as there isn't room for all of them, several are nostalgia ones, the Apple IIe, the SGI O2, etc, but a part of me wants them up and running, that's a story for another day i think though) and i came across my older journals. Starting in the fall of 2004, i started writing in moleskine notebooks, starting with the plain ones and then the ruled ones.  I know people knock them for being too trendy, but i like the form factor, hard backs, paper and how it holds ink. So anyway, i had four filled ones, two plain and the rest lined. Four filled ones from late 2004 to January 2006. Then one lined one half filled till now. I just stopped it seems, writing a page here and there, nothing much though. I have noticed that i'm writing more online than i did then, but i also write more than what i would put online for various reasons. What i put online i don't really mind if people read. I express my thoughts and feelings, but not those that generally would cause problems, be boring to others (more so than this Andy? heh), just plain repetitive, or feelings about people.

It's something i started doing as a way to work through things, understand feelings i was having, and also to help my very faulty memory. Side note here, you have no idea how frustrating it is when people think you didn't just pay attention to them when you don't remember something, when you also don't remember major parts of your own life. Just saying.

So i've been reading parts of them again. It's funny with the journals though, how it seems to have taken me a little while to settle into a 'style'. I wrote with various pens, then got to using the most unusual ones i could find, several pages written in colored glitter pens. I think part of that was to make it more 'fun' writing things that might be hard or i didn't want to express. I also added various types of art into them, drawings, clippings, mixed media, all sorts of things, if words failed me. Some were neat, some crap, all there.

I do wish i had done something similar to this all my life though, not remembering what was basically my whole childhood is frustrating to say the least, and it would be nice to know what i was thinking or feeling, or even what the heck happened during most of it. It is kind of depressing though when was going through my more depressed moments and re-reading that. The times where i didn't eat for a week or so, and the suicide attempts. So yeah. Someday i may go more into that, i'm not sure though.

A final thing to this rambling post (what's different eh?), i'm glad that one teacher got me printing more, with my dysgraphia if i had stayed with cursive it would have all been unreadable. I should go into the trouble i had with teachers in junior high, i was a mess with the dysgraphia and dyscalculia, amoung other things. Made it hell, to put it simply, then i was diagnosed by the Gunderson Clinic, and some teachers understood better. Not all mind you, but some.

Now i'm craving ramen, at 1am. Not sure where that came from, but i'm going to make a late night bowl of ramen.

I miss him being this happy.

I miss him being this happy.

"You must go to Gort, you must say these words..."

Why the quote, not really sure. Take it as you will. This is probably going to be pretty aimless, i'll try to be less misanthropic and depressed than i have been lately, but i make no promises.

One of the things i noticed about going through the chats like i have been, taking my time and reading one after the other, is i now see that she had been slipping away for years. At least three, just getting much worse at the last few months, understandably. I knew her childhood "events" (i honestly can't think of a better word, that describes what happened to either of us without going into too much detail, hers was worse, but same type, if that makes sense) scared more than her body, but i also saw the good in her. The potential for greatness in her. She could just go in front of a keyboard and play amazing music without sheet music, and make amazing art that was both realistic and surreal (hard to explain, but i wish i could have gotten her to make me some, she made some for other people though). I know this is sounding like i'm getting depressing and such here, but that's not where this is going, at least i don't think so. One of the last chats we had was where she was trying to get in her dad's gun safe (geeze andy, you sure it's not getting down??), and she was saying how she didn't see herself as worth anything and no talent, all that. I tried to tell her she had great potential and talents, but as one who has been there, i know nothing you can say to someone can change their minds. Still, on reading that again i realized that's how i've felt for a while now. No spark, no drive, no "alive" feeling inside.

There has been very little, if any, motivation in me. Unlike her, i didn't have a real "reason" to feel this way other than the depression. I've been in a rut for ages now. I think since woolly mammoths walked the earth. (yes, yes, i'm exaggerating there.) I get my obsessive moments, that run for months sometimes, but those are different. That's sort more sort of a "i need to learn or do all i can about this thing here", if that makes sense. It's not a "passion" by any means. Another example being when i got started on the Anita Blake and Meredith Gentry books. I couldn't just stop reading, not because i loved them, but because i felt i "had" to. Realize too that the Anita Blake ones are still being put out, and book 19 is out soonish. They aren't great books by far, the newer ones less so, but it describes that behavior. Another example was when i felt i "needed" to learn about wine. I don't really like wine or most other alcoholic beverages, but i read over 15 books on wine, watched video podcasts, even bought a ton of wine of all types. Still don't like it, but at least i guess i know more now, although there might be some i will drink, just don't get why people like it so much. Does that make sense?

(I'm breaking this huge wall of text up even though it's pretty much all one subject, fyi)

So yeah, where is that "passion" of mine? I loved doing 3D animation, and can still spend hours in Lightwave 3D and Maya, even though i've kind of given up on ever working for Pixar or ILM like i had dreamed of. (meanwhile those i introduced to it have and are working on films and such, sigh) I really enjoy photography, but also know that it's very, very competitive and rare that you will be paid well. Side note, one thing i love so much about photography is that it helps with my memory problems. I absolutely *love* looking back at photos and remembering things like the smells and feelings of when it was taken. That's awesome, especially when it's good times. So yeah, back to what i was talking about. While i did enjoy the Painted Muse 2 event, and working with very talented and beautiful people, i find myself thinking more about macro photography more and more passionately, if that makes any sense. Although there is a part of me that would love to mix the two, sort of macro landscapes of the human body, but wow would that be intimate even if no private area was involved. Just being that close (my favorite lens i have for macro, the Canon MP-E, needs to be almost touching and focuses by moving the whole camera closer and farther away, so yeah).

One thing i've been thinking about lately too is mixing the two (or more, as i forgot to mention i'm also not that bad at visual effects make up) together, in sort of a surreal type thing going on. Adding things that don't exist, and also going farther than the body paint, with textures and alien or fantastical looks. I don't know if there is much call for this, but i am thinking it might be fun and stir my passions. When i was younger, i loved seeing things and not knowing if they were real, or not being able to wrap my head around them. It also terrified me as kid, with some images or movies.

So while i'm not sure i'll ever feel quite "alive", (closest i remember is while chatting with her, some of our talks, hard to explain, but i didn't feel as much like an alien. She did say we were like the fae, or maybe she did say she thought we were that, i couldn't always tell with her, but it was nice to say and think things at the same times. We also never really fit in with any subculture really, even though i was more "goth" at points, i was just too goofy for most of them, heh. I'm probably also romanticizing the whole thing, not wanting to remember the bad she did or said. Oh well.) i've been thinking that besides being around the bunnies who make me smile more than anything, and frankly loved unconditionally (temperamental goof balls that they are), ill need to find that "thing" that motivates me more than just existing. Wow, that was a long run on sentence wasn't it?

See, it wasn't so depressing as you thought, or maybe it was. I never know how i come off sometimes. Especially when i get going on the keyboard. Typos and grammar be damned. ;) (rare emoticon there, i told myself i was going to try to curtail my use of them, more so on this blog, but it felt worth it)

Oh look, can't sleep...

Since i am slightly tired, but got a bit of insomnia coming on, i thought i would write a bit here to hopefully get my brain to shut up. I'll try to be more chipper than the last one.

So my dad had been in the hospital again last week. He called and i told me he had another stent (stint? whatever those expandable things that go in the arteries to open them up are) put in after feeling like he was having another heart attack. After the big one, i now panic when even the little things happen. He says he checked out fine with the doctor and got out the next day, but i worry. He's getting older, and with everything that is happening with damn near everyone i know, i know it's inevitable but don't want it to happen. I know it's cheesy, but i'm going to quote Star Trek here: "Time is the fire in which we burn." (yeah, yeah, i know that they got it from Delmore Schwartz, but i'm a nerd, and saying it's a Star Trek quote seems to fit better, and i need to laugh) So yeah, i can't avoid it, but i don't have to like it.

While i'm worried about Zack still, as he's not doing that great, i love the rest of the bunnies. They are being awesome and silly. Kitty's worried too, but it's adorable seeing her take care of him, groom him, watch over him, all that. Someday, i hope to have that. I'm not holding my breath, but it sure does look like true love. True love is rare, heck even normal love is rare enough, while hate is common and frequent. (is that repetitive or repetitive? heh) We should grab it and hold on to it when we find it, but that could just be me and my issues. But i think without the stalky-stalky.

Oh look, i'm rambling again, heh.

Something that hit me today while updating, organizing, and sorting my digital photo libraries is that i just can't wait until spring. I keep thinking about going and photographing things, but the snow isn't the most interesting thing, and when i've gone out looking for birds or other wildlife all i can find are cows. I don't know enough people in the area who want to be photographed, much less in the snow, so that limits it a bit. I was looking through my macro photos, of butterflies and flowers, and just want to go find bugs and such. They don't like the winter, so unless i can sneak onto Neil Gaiman's land and photo his bees, i don't have any idea where to find any. I've got a couple flies here, i haven't seen any spiders lately either, which is sad making. I guess i should count my blessings, it's not below zero lately, and been actually pretty nice. I just want spring here now. Now! Spring! Now! (did that work? damn)

Okay, starting to get sleepier now. Hopefully i can fall asleep and have less weird dreams that i have been lately. At least they haven't been bad, just weird. Like last night, where Hugh Jackman was telling some punk band that being musicians wasn't hard, being and actor was (while he had cardboard wolverine claws on), chasing someone on a jet ski, and i was dating a girl named Strawberry. Yeah, i have NO idea where any of that came from, and that's just what i remember.

Let's see what tonight holds. ;)

"sometimes i can't fall asleep"

I don't know what to say really to express what i've been feeling lately, something i know i have always needed to work on. So as a past therapist said, it's better to just try and express it somehow than holding it in and letting it cause damage. (this is paraphrased really, another example of my difficulty with words. Side note, my mom recently told me that one of my grade school teachers said i was really good with writing and poetry, the hell?? I have no memory of this, and wish i did, i don't even know where to look to see what it was. Oh well, more of my lost past.) Most of this is going to be rambling, about random things, most of which aren't too chipper. Just a warning.

One thing that has been on my mind, most people have no idea of what it's really like to be alone, which was one (if not my biggest) fear for a long time. People talk about it, think they grasp it. They see people, talk to them, are around them, do things with them, and think a day or so makes them alone. I understand the need to be away from people, really, i do. Do they know what it's like to go months without other people? I do. There was a time, a few years ago, where i could have done the old school version of the Abramelin ritual. We're talking six months, without significant human contact. Talked to parents on the phone rarely, mostly by email though. One significant friend, through IM most of the time. I won't even go into how many times and different ways i tried to end myself. Failed at those of course though.

Which brings me to that friend and those IMs. The programs i used saved chats, and lately (stupidly really) i've been re-reading them. Partly because i really miss her after her suicide, partly because i'm really missing having someone to talk with like we did, and who knows why else really. It was awesome to have someone who thought the same way most of the time, knew what i was thinking before i said it, and the other way around too. It's actually difficult to remember what it was like not having someone like that to talk to, how it was before her in my life. Even though it's now back to that, not having someone like that. I could tell her anything, and she could tell me anything, and we would understand. I have to admit i was very envious at those she dated and married, although it would have probably ruined what we had. I have no idea. I do wonder if a lot of people who are married have that, or if i'm just idealizing that. Probably not, as the divorce rate is so high. It was nice to have a friend that i would do anything for though, although i also felt that for those i dated.

Which brings me to an odd thing i've been feeling confused about too. I keep hearing how there are all these women who would just like someone to take care of them, yet can't find one to save my life. Maybe it's my geekiness, or oddness, or maybe my standards just went up a whole lot and i don't want to settle with just someone who would just use me. That's not to say i've never dated, i've had 15 girlfriends over the years, but since my last, it's been a dry spell. Honestly though, i did really love her, and it hurt a lot to not have her in my life. I probably could have handled it better (doubt i could have handled it worse really). So i have only myself to blame there. I'm probably not in the best area to find a geek girl, who likes rabbits (and holy crap do people around here like to tell stories about hurting rabbits when they find you have them, wtf people?? Do i tell stories about kids being abducted and laugh about it when i hear you have kids? No!) I probably didn't do myself any favors by having a vasectomy, seems a lot my age want kids, and not being able to have them is a deal breaker for them. Guess i am just going to have to resign myself to being the crazy bunny man (my version of the crazy cat lady i suppose.) Still, while driving around today looking for something to photograph (i failed to be inspired by the way) i thought how much more fun it is to do things like that with someone special.

A side note here, i used to be terribly shy. Now i tend to try to talk to people, but get almost paralyzed when people want to come over or i have to go out. I think that's a part of being a hermit for so damn long. I have lost that social "instinct". I just have no idea what people "do". I know what i do, but that is not what most do. Last person to spend any significant time here was my best friend, and i still felt awkward and unsure how to entertain her or what to do. I eat when i'm hungry, what i'm craving most likely, watch what i want, sleep when tired, etc. I also realize thats something good about being single, i don't bother someone else when i do that. I know it bugged my ex. That's something else the depression doesn't help. I tend to get obsessed with something, immerse myself in it deeply, sometimes going a bit overboard. (the several capped warcraft characters is one example, just looking at the books i have is another.) My depression also has a weird effect of making time seem to flow weirdly, i don't really notice it.

Anyway, it seems that i keep seeing people in jail having someone, so what's the deal with that? Am i that repulsive somehow lately? Probably not good to dwell on it though. I also tend to get really down on myself when i get depressed.

I should be sleeping. I'm tired, but can't, my brain won't shut up enough. Good times eh?

Zack update

So i got him to the vet today. Dr. Anna thought he was really skinny too, and gave him a good look over. At first she thought it was his teeth, he has a couple spurs that might rub against his teeth, so we planned on putting him under so they could be smoothed out. I waited with him in the waiting room, and she came back and asked me into the room to talk to me. I knew something was wrong, usually she just tells me the blood looks good. She tells me his kidneys are going, and at some point he must have "suffered an insult" to his kidneys. She explained that meant that he might have eaten something bad, but since my house is pretty bunny proofed, and there are no plants he can eat, it might have happened before he got here. He was one that the humane society found outside, and that makes it harder to know his history or age. She also said he was bugging his eyes out while doing his nails and checking him out, he was terrified. Poor bunny. He's been freaking out a lot this week actually, bugging eyes, and hiding a lot.

So here is what is planned, every day for several days, he goes to the vet and gets fluids injected under his skin so if he's not drinking it will help flush out toxins his kidneys can't handle. Nothing will 'cure' him though, he's only really only getting worse. She said that on tuesday she'll see him again, see how he's doing. Possibly x-ray him to see what else is going on, or if something hidden is really going on besides or in additionally to his kidneys. She said if he needs surgery, he would need to be stronger as he most likely wouldn't survive it in his state.

So that's where we are now. I'm a wreck. He's been with me longer than most (or all, not sure on exact times) girlfriends, and has been a great companion. He's also been with Kitty as long, and she freaked a little when i put him in the carrier. When we came home, she looked scared until Zack hopped out of the carrier. Then she ran over to him and started grooming him.

I don't want him to suffer, but i am so worried it will come down to a choice between having him put to sleep or being in pain longer. I don't know if i can make that choice, but may have to. That's part of the reason my parents didn't choose me for their living will, i have a hard time saying goodbye to those i love.

poor zack

Man this sucks. Something is wrong with Zack, and i have no clue. He's lost a ton of weight, pretty quickly too. He eats, a little at a time. I've tried baby food, something me and my ex tried with Alex when he had an abscess in his jaw. Worried it's something like that, because i'm not sure how that turned out, and the vet said his was too bad to operate on, and he probably wouldn't survive that. I'm also worried there is a cancer or something. I have no idea. He's so tiny, he used to be so pudgy and such. Now when i hold him he's so fragile feeling. He's still strong, as he tries to get down and pushes my hand and arm out of the way. He's an awesome bunny, and i wish he could just tell me whats wrong, and how to help him. Tomorrow he goes to the vet, hopefully it's something easy to fix and he will be back to old zack again. I'm terrified i'll have to choose between him just getting worse or putting him to sleep. I don't know if i could make that decision. I don't want him to suffer, but i also swore i would never hurt him or let anyone else do so.

I'm also worried about Kitty, her and Zack are bonded and great together. She doesn't get along with any of the others, in fact they fight a lot if together. I'm worried she will get depressed without Zack. I've seen that, so don't pretend animals don't miss companions when they pass.

This is the worst part of having pets, and loving them so damn much.

Unless you have one of those pets that live much longer than we do, that's a whole other problem.

Better now

Yeah, so pretty much better now. Still sick of some people, but found my happy place, for a while at least. Awesome healthy bunnies and Star Trek Online. Ignore stupid people, and words to live by from a friend of mine: Noli nothis permittere te terere.

So yeah.

Going to get groceries, clean bun houses, and then get in the USS Minnesota (that was the random name that came up, lol) and blow shit up IN SPACE!!! ;)

Getting sick of people

It's probably no surprise that i'm getting sick of people lately. One of the things is how people are focusing on negatives, not positives. I'm far from an optimist or happy go lucky person, but frankly i'm getting sick of people focusing on what they don't like, and then proclaiming that if you do like it you are an idiot. This has been bugging me for a while now, but lately with all the vitriol about the iPad (not to mention the 12 year old level humor about the name) and those who would hate Apple even if they cured cancer ("But it doesn't cure herpes!!") and would never even think of getting it feel the need to denigrate those who see potential or enjoy that type of thing. I'll draw another parallel, when the Playstation 3 came out people pissed and moaned about it's cost, lack of a cable, and how their choice was obviously better and those who bought it were morons. I swear, i'm the only person that uses all tools available to me, and can draw honest opinions without doing this. I use macs, pcs, and even have amigas, and an sgi computer. I had a linux machine, but that was a joke, so i reinstalled windows on it. I have more pcs than the others, but prefer the macs, they just work better and are designed better, for what i do.

Now, i'd like to point out this goes beyond computers and tech. People hating on tv shows, vegetarians, people complaining about religions (and yes atheists, you're as bad lately as the others) that aren't theirs, cars you drive, sports teams, and on, and on, and on. One of the main complaints those who complain the most are that the other side is "smug", yet the ones who complain about the other side being smug the most are the ones who never shut up about it and think it makes them better than the other ones. It doesn't, it reflects worst on you not the people you are denigrating.

Yes, i realize i'm complaining exactly like i'm complaining about, if that makes any sense. I'm also near a breaking point, i'm sick of almost everyone, to the point where i feel death is too good for them. I'm not talking about when you see a movie or whatever and say if you didn't like it or whatever. It's the ones who never even try and still complain and mock with a sense of superiority. (that isn't deserved really, it's just one more stupid dogma that they feel is okay) It's them. Those i want to do extreme violence to.

That isn't a place i should or want to be, again. Bad things happen, but people just won't stop poking the bear.

brrr...

Got Jerry to the vet, one of my favorite people, mostly because she's pretty, takes care of the bunnies, and they like her too. (winning combination right there, heh) If was funny, she mentioned talking to the receptionist about how it's been a while since i've been in and then i called. Basically it's just been a while since i've gotten any of them in for their check ups and such, last year blew, for damn near everyone i know. Dr. Anna also said she lost some people last year, man, did anyone 'not' loose someone?? Anyway, Jerry was grunty and sneezy, so got worried, but his blood was clear, and he's been like this for a while, and it comes and goes. So she said to just keep an eye on him and make sure he eats, which he does. His weight was down from 9lbs, to 8.9lbs. So not really at all, which was a good sign, no change really. So yeah, great story, it was windy and cold out though, so that's something.

Quick shoot thoughts

Now for a quick run down of the shoot and my thoughts. Got there "early", 15 minutes before it said doors open for photographers. I was one of the last, and had a semi annoying spot, with no outlet. Wouldn't have been so bad if i hadn't forgotten my power stip, along with my pocket wizard (and other things, just too focused on the weather and spaced some things). *sigh* Luckily i had my Speedlight 430ex, sync cord and umbrella. It just determined the lighting i could use when i didn't have the grace of people letting me borrow theirs. I was afraid that it was going to be too cold in there, but with all the people and a big heat unit, i was actually too hot, and the cool air outside was a nice break at times. The models probably didn't feel the same though, but only a couple braved it out there with other photographers. Lots of awesome body painters, with some jaw dropping art, amazing models, and photographers who put me to shame. I tried to knock my shyness down and actually talk to people, which i did a bit. I had worked out in my head how to direct models and spent time studying how to do it. When it came time though, i froze. I was too afraid of saying or doing the wrong things, so i just said nothing and stammered when i did talk. Damn it. There was one model who was especially patient with me, and i give her credit. Most were awesome, with being understanding and all that. That's all i'm going to say about that. I fell humbled with the elaborate set ups most people had, and me with just an umbrella and flash with available light as fill. I think i got some awesome photos, but now the self doubt is kicking in, what if i really do suck and none of them are good? Gah, i need to stop that, but it's hard to fight. After taking pictures of the bunnies, who are awesome models as every picture of them looks good (hee), working with people is so damn different. I now have over 500 photos to go through, find the best, edit, all that. I may post one or two over on my 'other' photography site here, (do i have enough blogs here, lol) just to get opinions and show how pretty some the models and body art was. Quick thing i wanted to say, there were these headdresses made by one, and they were stunning just sitting on the shelf. I just wanted to get out a macro lens and get photos of them up close. Heh, yeah, i'm wondering if that's where my real passion in photography is, i seem to go crazy with macro. So it also got me wondering if i'm jaded or what, surrounded by many gorgeous girls who were walking around naked, here i am looking at the equipment, artists and one of the cute make-up artists cute hoodie with cat ears. Well, i can't say i live a boring life. ;)

Anyway, off to sort through them, this may take a while. ;)

edit: Hey Andy, there is a thing called Paragraphs, lol. ;)

Before i forget, because i just might.

So, non-photoshoot stuff i want to go over.

• On the way out of town (by the old harley dealership, just past, not far, if you know the area), saw a gorgeous bald eagle standing on the side of the road eating something. I would have stopped and gotten pictures, but camera was in trunk and i was being tail gaited by a semi. Boo. Still, love seeing how big and pretty they are.

• Expected weather to be bad on the way down, nope, roads clear and dry. On the way back though, completely different story. Fog with visibility from a mile to .1 a mile. Snow in spots, rain in spots, drizzle in spots. Cars in ditches, people tailgating, speeding or doing that thing where they pull right in front of you. Ugh.

• First hotel i stopped at seemed seedy as hell, so i kept looking. Ended up at a better one only a mile from the shoot. Nice. The Days Inn by Watertown was better, so i'm glad i decided to try and get closer to Madison on the way back.

• A very random thing, while trying to fall asleep, flipping through channels, stopped on Three's Company for some reason. The scene i stopped on was a dead rip off of a Faulty Towers part. Beat, for beat. Shameless. It was the one where a restaurant critic came. I had the sound down, so i couldn't tell if the words were the same, but ugh, he was even acting like John Cleese did, not like how his character was. I know, don't expect much out of it, but still, shameless.

• Another tv thing, while waking up before the shoot, America's Next Top Model  was having a marathon, which i found funny, and was trying to let it inspire me. Just have to say, Tyra is nuts, and not in a good way. In a way that you see someone doing things and you feel embarrassed for. I'm not sure how much of that was a character she puts on, but wow. Fyi, it was the season with Creepy Chan, who is adorable, if not alien. Odd show that.

• Nothing like one's own bed, hotel beds suck and they hurt my back. Yeah, i know, it could be worse, but it's fun to complain. Speaking of hurting, wtf did i do to my left heel?? Hurts like hell, no marks, but where the tendon connects to the heel is like someone hit it with a hammer. Ouch. I don't remember hitting it on anything, so hmm...

I keep feeling like there was something else, but my brain is broken. I'll go over the shoot later, but suffice to say it was very interesting. I have about 500 pictures to transfer and go through, so that will take a while, but i also want to take a nap in my own bed or a bath before i do that.

*Flash* Ow! My eyes!

Well, my first professional strobe unit came today, although i guess one or two of my on camera flashes were more expensive and probably professional too, just not quite right for studio type shots of people. I have to admit i do feel a little silly, as i don't have a light meter, which i'll have to get before the shoot. I've only relied on the in camera meter, as the flashes used E-TTL and i could pretty much rely on that to get good exposure. Never really thought about it too much before, that the strobe wouldn't exactly know the camera settings. Oops. So besides the on camera flashes, i've only done available light, which i prefer so far, but i've also not taken pictures of many people in situations like that. It's always been at events where i didn't have or want to use flashes, some worked out great, others not so much. Seems like i have a lot to learn and get comfortable with it in a week, no pressure. ;) On a side note, i still want to get the ringflash, a b400 for backgrounds, and a b1600 for a main light when i'll move the one i have to fill or secondary. For now i'll probably just use one of the older flashes as background and a reflector for fill. At least that's the plan.

Another issue is how to get them all to talk, my plan is to use Pocket Wizards, but as i now have zero of them, i'll need at least two for one light, and more etc. Not cheap little units, but from what i hear, they last forever and never fail. It would also get rid of cords running all over the place, which would help. Why can i never pick a cheap hobby or career path? ;)

Unrelated stuff, been sick, feeling like crap, got that stomach thing that everyone else got around christmas it seems. Ugh. Good times. Yeah, not the most thrilling thing in the world.

Well, now to go get my dollfie Alice to do some modeling for me while i learn to use the strobe. She's patient, photographs well, all that, but a little smaller than a real person. Which may cause some issues scaling up, but oh well. It's not like i have a significant other to annoy with things like this, and i'm sure i'd do that, annoy and constantly be taking photos of them. The funny thing is almost all the girls i've dated hated having their pictures taken, well, besides "the model" (or she who shall not be named, lol). It's funny, i'm a behind the camera person as well, but besides the ones with stalking issues, some were really adverse to having their picture taken. Which reminds me, i really wish i hadn't lost (or whatever happened to it, i'm guessing the fairies at my last house took it, you wouldn't believe the shit they stole) that one photo i had done with the beyond awesome cloak Rose made for me. It was a great photo, i was dressed pretty medieval, with that huge black cloak, walking stick in my multi-ringed fingers. Damn it, i miss that photo, it was flattering too. Rose might still have a copy, but i lost touch with her years ago and even my google fu can't find her. Poo.

Speaking of possible awesome photos, i would *love* to photograph Twig the Fairy someday. Even if it's just candids at the ren fest, that would rock. She is the most adorable person ever.

Nervousness and trepidation.

So i took the plunge, decided to go for it with photography and signed up and paid for an awesome sounding photography event, not sure how else to explain it. Ton of awesome models and body painters, about a dozen photographers, and not something i would really get to do on my own. I'm excited, but nervous as hell. One is the drive, about six hours each way, but that's doable, just need to plan on when to leave and get there. Not sure if i'd get a room and leave the day before or what though. We'll see. The other part is i really haven't done serious people photography in studios, more candid and event type stuff. Not sure how to react or what to tell them. I also fear about appearing like a Guy With Camera, but then you have to start somewhere eh? I also have virtually no lights, all my lights were purchased with the intent of macro or other similar situations. Not really the type of thing that works with models. This will definitely be a new experience for me. Like i've said before though, kind of hard to convince people to model for you if you don't really have any models in your portfolio, but you need them to get them.

This is not really a new years resolution, but something i've decided on, i'm going to try and stop being so damn afraid of doing the wrong thing and just go for it. I kept seeing things that were happening as effects i was causing, like something i said or did caused bad things to happen. (i'll just come out and say it, i blame myself for not being in lacrosse the first time for jodi, and then regretted somethings i said to her before she died, feeling i made it so she couldn't come to me instead of killing herself. True or not didn't matter, the guilt and blame was there in my head) There are other things, but that's the biggie, and it was making me afraid to even do almost anything for fear of what would happen due to ripples on the pond. So yeah, while i'm not going to be reckless or hurtful, i'm going to (try to) stop blaming myself for when things go wrong, because no matter how much i may try, you can't always help others.

Now to just figure out which lights i should get before the shoot, thinking about a nice ringflash and shooting it sometimes on camera and sometimes off with the moonunit as a soft box type effect, and having the regular strobes i have as fill and background. Who knows though, this may change, and isn't as important.

Dream in IR?

Okay, that was weird. Besides all the other weirdness of my dreams last night, there was a part that is messing with my head. I know people hate it when people tell them about their dreams, but this will be short, or at least i'll try. For some reason, i ended up in helicopter with some people i was friends with a while ago and piloted by some movie star i forget. That's not the weird part. I had this pair of "sunglasses" that in essence made it so i could see like digital IR photography. I saw that part of the dream in IR. It was weird. Not black and white mind you, but the colors and tints like the IR photos i have taken. I was looking at barns, fields, etc.

I won't even get into the stranger parts of the dream.

stupid computer

Grrr... pointless rant time.

Stupid desktop computer. Alienware, not sure age, about a year or two old, and it keeps (few minutes, constantly) putting the monitor to sleep. Driving me up the fucking wall. Looked around and found it's probably the battery on the motherboard, but oh look, the clips that are supposed to hold the battery in aren't there. So replacing it would be pointless, as it won't stay in. I just ended up taking it out, and it stopped for a day, but is now doing it again. /sigh Another possible cause could be low power service to the house, seems to not like it having a bigger drain with so much being used at once. Had to get my service upgraded in my house in laCrosse, but i'm not sure i can do it here, or how much it will cost. Shouldn't have that issue in the first place as this house was built around 1980 and the other one much, much earlier, but then it seems so many corners were cut in this house it's not even funny.

Nothing like not being able to sleep, spending a friday night cleaning a bathroom, fighting with a computer, and generally being tired with everything. :P

I would really, really like for something to go right soon.

... and is it really christmas next week???

Where did this year go?

days go by

You are still a whisper on my lips
A feeling at my fingertips
That's pulling at my skin

You leave me when I'm at my worst
Feeling as if I've been cursed
Bitter cold within

Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAt7sawS8_4

yeah

I'm beginning to think Jodi had the right idea.

That's all.

Strange bunnies

I have strange bunnies. Take for example how when out, Jerry with either Emily or Amanda, depending on which is out with which, will go into the downstairs bathroom as soon as the sun starts coming up. They probably enjoy how it's dark in there, with no windows and kind of quiet, but there is something they also enjoy. That would be my newish bath mats. I got these shaggy bath mats a while ago, kind of nice but cheap. What do they enjoy about them? Grooming them and pulling the individual shag pieces out. They'll dig and groom it, then pull at the strands and try to get them out. I sat and watched them doing this one day, it was amusing and kind of funny. They get really into it, and then get tired of doing it. One time i was laying there with them watching, Jerry flopped out right next to me, and fell asleep. This was also the time i was trying to get it so amanda and emily could be out at the same time, and that was a good time.

Something else funny, they practically beg to play, then go sit in the common open cage i have out. I know it's probably a "safe zone" for them, but it's funny. Oh well, whatever makes them happy makes me happy.

audible sigh

Kind of hard to sigh on a computer, but there you go.

Can't sleep, so i'm going to babble on this for now.

Been a rough while now, so much not good going on, i just haven't had much in me to post or do much of anything. Long story short: close family member passed, was sick for a while but still going to miss her being around. I've had health issues, doctors have no clue, but it's annoying and frustrating (swollen glands, constant pain mostly in lower back, night sweats for no reason, more and more, ugh). The past few weeks i've had a dream each night where Jodi walks in, i'm surprised and ask how she is there even though she killed herself. It's wearing on me, i know it's a dream, but it feels real and it's every night. I haven't even really picked up my camera lately. Seeing family the other weekend was nice, but i feel more like the black sheep than normal lately, being single with no kids and career not doing so hot. Love them, lots. Wish i could be something they would be proud of, but it's not really in my control.

Okay, getting sleepy now.

Michael Jackson

(Warning, going to rant here a bit, just need to vent)

I keep seeing people complaining about the news coverage about his death, and the complaining is more annoying to me than the coverage honestly. Think about it, this tops in terms of size and viewers the marriage of Princess Diana and Live Aid. There isn't anyone alive i can think of, much less other entertainers, that comes close. Not even mentioning how much he changed the music industry and music videos the way he did. I've never been a huge fan, only really owned Thriller, but just hearing pretty much any song of his reminds me of being young, brings back feelings of those times, good and bad.

Don't even get me started on the trial. Okay, i'm started anyway. I watched a lot of it on court tv and read the testimonies, and besides the fact that he was acquitted, all the accusations read like an adult putting words into what they thought a kid spoke like. Almost baby talk, or like when an older person uses slang to sound "hip". Just didn't ring true to me, and i had no care if he was guilty or not. I also keep seeing people say "But he was such a freak, of course he did something.", and after having been called a freak more often than i care to remember it annoys me even more. "Just look at him!", of course he looked different, so he must have been guilty since he didn't look like you. Never mind the fact that more than likely had a bad surgery that the rest were trying to fix, even though you never can, and his skin condition (vitiligo) problaby made him want to even it out, not to mention feel like the freak that people were calling him. Why did he pay the people accusing him? My feelings, since he was acquitted, he felt bad the way the child was used (and abused) by the parents and wanted to make it up him the only way he could, with money. Don't forget, all you have to do is accuse someone of child abuse, then they have to prove they didn't do anything, more so for an easy target like him. Abused people (which he suffered, although not sexual from what i know) tend towards certain trends that are pretty easy to see if you know what to look for, some go hypersexual others asexual. Some become abusers and others lifelong victims. There are middle grounds, but usually those come through long therapy that the person knows they need. But hey, he was such a freak right?

I'm tired of people trying to knock the talented people down, if you want to do that go for the horrible people like Jon and Kate, Paris Hilton, and those ilk. Who have no accomplishments other than being famous for being famous or taking fertility drugs. If you really want to accomplish something, try to be as talented and famous as Michael. Do something to make the world a better place, or at least your corner of it. Do something ground breaking, redefine an area of expertise, make an impact. Don't just latch onto someone or something else and try to rip it apart or make it your claim to fame. Don't just say you will or pretend you're special, but actually put all your will into it, and if you fail at this, know it and understand it. Have humility about it and yourself.

Maybe i'm just sick of people in general, with so many thinking being a sociopath is cool or fun, and not looking at anything other than what they want.

Could be worse

Whenever i get down on myself, i have to remember, i could have it much worse. I've got a home, five awesome bunnies that no one will take from me, and a good family. Yeah, i've got health issues that keep bugging me, and the economy being in the dumps isn't helping things in general, but i need to keep reminding myself of the good, like these two poopers being happy together. ;)

Brain dump

Yes, i know i'm probably using that phrase wrong, i just don't care. It fit what i am feeling.

Nothing special is going on really, just feeling the need to express feelings and thoughts that seem to be filling up my brain too much.

Something that has been driving me crazy is that i've lately been having these dreams that just won't stop. I'm back in my house in LaCrosse and Jodi is there, having had faked her death due to having testify against those people who hurt her, and even though most people are mad at her for doing that, i have forgiven her even though it hurt. I know this is all crap that i need to get rid of, but waking up sucks. I have a little while where i'm happy, and then realize it's just a dream. Wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't so vivid and real feeling. I am really hating this time of year. To distract myself, i've been attempting to clean more, got part of the kitchen all done, and did a lot of work with crap on the deck. It was bad. To make a long story short, i had set up screens on the deck, to keep the bunnies from squeezing through the uprights, when they used to play out there. Since there have been bunnies in the area spotted with Shopes Papilloma virus, i have decided it is safer to not let them out there. They didn't really seem to enjoy being out there. I know some of them had been abandoned outside before they were found by the humane society and found a better home here. Jerry in particular hates being outside, even though he loves to sit in the window. He would get big eyes and just hunker down, not really explore or anything, and only get happy again when brought back inside. So anyway, i cleaned the deck, and moved stuff around. Along with checking out the plants that i can't really do much with as i'm allergic to them, but they are all doing great. The very abundant rain (after quite a drought) has made them all very green and ready to unleash a ton of pollen, which i am also allergic to. Did i mention i'm allergic to a lot, except bunnies? ;)

Totally unrelated (sort of), Jerry is running laps around the house. He comes in the kitchen, goes back into the library, into the hall, and repeats. Silly pooper. Amanda follows him, but then sees me and thumps at me. She loves me, but is so grumpy. ;)

Have i also mentioned i can't sleep? This is going to be a problem in a week, starting a photography class that starts at 8am, and is on the third floor, and i have been having issues with my back again, so that will be fun. :P

I probably should have warned that this was a rambling mess of nothing. ;)

in a weird place

I hate this time of year. Remembering jodi, the last time i saw and talked to her, the good times that will never be again. I don't know why anniversaries have that effect on me, especially with deaths, but they do. I keep expecting to see her icon pop up in the IM window, and even though i know i won't, it still throws me that i can't chat with her again. Was nice to have some to talk to that was right on the same wavelength most of the time. Not having to explain things, or worry about what i talked about, because no matter how out there she would listen and probably have a similar thing to share. Somedays i go back and read the past chats, as my chat client saves chats to a log, and i feel like i'm back in those times. Even though it does kind of break my heart all over again. I know suicide isn't an easy option, and for those who know me know how i know that personally, having tried several times, but i still want to find a way to fix it. I would have done anything for her, more so if it would have kept her alive, even if it would have been harder for her to not do it. I don't know where this is going, just lot of stuff on my mind, with no way to really do anything about it. Maybe all the stuff also going on with my Dad and his heart attack has me thinking a lot about it, i'm tired of losing those i care deeply about, although thankfully my dad is healing nicely, and expects to golf in a week or so. I'm really wishing i had someone like Jodi that i could talk to about all this, which is kind of ironic if you think about it. 

Decided to try and take a summer class here, there is a short digital photography class, even though i probably already know most of what will be taught. Not the most intensive, short two or three week class, but might be good for getting me out there, meeting people, and trying new (although how new me doing photography is, lol) things. We'll see. Hopefully it goes good. 

The week from hell

This has been a week i could do without. Not even joking. 

Last weekend, my car decided to go and act up. Engine light went on, couldn't accelerate up hills, and felt like it was going to die on me. Got it in tuesday (the soonest i could) and after a nine hour wait at the garage for it to get fixed, and man did it get fixed. It also cost near two grand. So much new though it is almost a new car. So i was relieved about that, but then the next day i get worse news. My dad had a heart attack while golfing. The last few days have been worried calls with family, and keeping track of his progress. He had blockage in two areas that needed stents, over 90% in both, but the doctors had a good report afterwards, seems he will be right back to golfing soon. I do think he is in better health than me, him being over 80, me not. So getting relived there, but then today my main back up of itunes and photo backup decides to act up. The drobo i have, which has been working flawlessly, decides to crap out. Keeps disconnecting, and i have to fight it to get it back. Wouldn't be so bad, but out goes my main storage with those on it. So all i have is what is on the drobo, but i can't get it off as it keeps going away every few minutes. Not even enough to get 100mb off at a time, and when you have a tb or more, that isn't going to work. So yeah, great fucking week. The bunns are still good though, so that's something, even though Jerry really, really didn't want me to try to clip his nails. 

A good thing is that i did see Star Trek friday, after a week of one thing after another preventing me, and i enjoyed it. So now i'm just waiting to see if something good or bad is going to come up. Hopefully good. 

insomnia is the devil.

Yes, the devil. Not "a" devil. "The" Devil. At least that is how it feels the past few days. I'm either sick, or most likely going through vicodin withdrawal. Lovely. I'm not a pill popper, but a while back i messed up my back carrying laundry down the stairs and falling on the stairs, so the doc gave me a prescript. I didn't take even one a day, but they helped me sleep though the back pain. The a couple weeks ago i get an emergency root canal, and the doc gives me another prescription for it, this time extra strength. That's about two months or more i've been using it off and on. I've got to say it was nice to be able to sleep through the night, and was actually a pretty good anti-depressant. Oddly though, it only mildly helped the pain. Although now i've the annoying withdrawal symptoms, mostly insomnia, worse than i normally do that is. I'm lucky if i get an hour or two sleeping, with the dreams i get when sick, those that repeat and make no sense. So i'm not really rested at all afterwards, just more tired and sore, but unable to sleep. I knew people who had gotten into hard drugs like heroin from things like this, and it never ended well, and i'd rather suffer through this than go that way. So there's that at least, it could be worse. I just don't have to enjoy it. 

Grumble bunny

Got a message from my parents yesterday that sounded pretty scary, about the health of my dad, so i talked to them and found he may have had a heart attack or something similar. He had chest pain, with pressure, but not the arm stuff and all that. A couple of years ago right around Christmas (like the day or two before) he had a "silent heart attack", which freaked me out. I love my parents, and don't want anything bad to happen to either of them. I guess that goes without saying, but even though we are kind of like apples and oranges politically and such, they are good and i worry about them. I know that since my dad is around 84 or so that health things will pop up more, but it's funny, he's probably in better health than me. Walks miles a day, golfs, is very active and even though he sometimes puts it off, he does go to the doctor regularly and isn't one to ignore things when they pop up. I'd almost expect me to have one before he does, too much sitting on my ass all day, but the back pain doesn't help there i guess. (viscous circle) Side note here, i really should get a new answering machine, that one is somewhere nearing a decade or so. Kind of a kick in the ass really, here everyone is talking swine flu, and this happens. Hmm... Speaking of swine flu, i'm torn. I've heard people before not understand that flu can kill you, saying "but it's just the flu" like it's nothing. Yes, you will most likely be fine, but you can't breathe with stuff in your lungs. Somewhere north of 30,000 people die by the normal flu every year, and what, we're in the double digits only (world wide) for swine flu? Another side note, i heard a high up in the pentagon say that 30,000 deaths in a conflict is when people start to turn against it, talking about Iraq and past conflicts. He said it didn't matter how many of the other side you kill, just that if 30,000 of yours die then people start to go against it. Weird eh? Personally i'm against war, but know we as a species are stupid and stubborn. Bunnies are stubborn, but only in the "i don't wanna go home, i wanna play" way. 

On a brighter note, i may have some pictures in the local paper, yay! I was taking those Unity in the Community photos and a lady came up to me and asked me if i was getting good ones. She asked if they could use them in the paper and i said if any turn out sure. Turns out she was like the head of the chamber of commerce and thought the pictures i sent were great. The paper only prints once a week, so since i think it was too late for this week, i won't see until next week. I kind of (really not so much as kind of but a lot) needed that, was kind of feeling my photography was sucking. It could be what i mostly photograph isn't what most people want, being bunnies, insects, and nature. 

Drobo, Unity in the Community, monkey pox

Got my Drobo today, yay! Now all i need are more drives, poo. Got two empty 500gb ones i popped in to get it set up, but i have way more than that i need to get on there. I also have a 1tb with my iTunes library on and photos backed up so i can't quite put it in there yet, so the plan is to get another 1tb drive, pop it in, move the stuff over, then put the full 1tb drive in. That way i can eventually upgrade the 500gb drives, probably 1tb to 2tb drives depending on cost when i get around to it. It's nice to not have to worry about maker or size really, main reason i got one as i have had no luck with traditional raids. :P Sadly getting new tech makes me want to keep getting new tech, lol. Retail therapy probably. Oh well.

Went to the Unity in the Community wednesday, it was interesting and kind of fun. My back decided to act up at one point, but not too bad. Something that bugged me to no end was the comments in the local paper, so many grumpy and angry people. I'd even wager racist and homophobic too, from what some said. Yeah, the town itself is pretty homogenous, but with the university i've met several interesting people from many different countries i didn't know went here. Some people just need to get out more i think, and maybe stop listening to FOX all the time. I got some pretty neat pictures, and put them up on my flickr, although i'll probably be putting some up on the River Falls Daily Photo blog i do. It did show me that i need a better all around lens though, one that can go from wide to more telephoto. I had a 28-90mm that i used, but at f5.6 or so it just couldn't do fast enough without a flash or too high an iso. (i could be totally wrong, and just not sure how, but i'm looking at a decent upgrade there, so shush) My best lenses are the macro ones, and i don't think people in situations like that want me that close to them, lol.

You're going to laugh. Last night i went to sleep. Woke up a few hours later feeling ill. Thought i was going to throw up, started panicking i had swine flu. Sigh. I know better, i know it's treatable. I know i don't have it. I haven't left the area in what feels like ages, much less Mexico. Sometimes my brain just doesn't work like i expect it to. Sigh...

What do i get up to at night??

One of these days, i'm going to set up a video camera to record while i sleep. I often wake up really sore and tense like i've been in a marathon or something, but don't think i've been out of bed. I could be totally wrong though, when i was younger i used to sleep walk, a lot. At a hotel in Toronto when i was a young teen or so i (from what my mom told me) almost walked off a balcony several stories up and didn't even know where i was. She said she woke up feeling i was in trouble and checked on me, found me about to climb over the railing, and when she told me to come in i was just like "okay." and went right back into the bed. I don't think i've slept walk in years though, when i've been with someone they never mentioned that, only grinding my teeth and tossing and turning a lot. Speaking of tossing and turning, i woke up several times when i was younger literally bound in my sheets, unable to move, and upside down hanging off the foot of the bed. So yeah, it might be nice to know what i'm doing while i sleep.

Can't sleep

First off, a warning, this is a rambling post, i can't sleep, took my pain killers, and want to ramble to get this stupid mind to shut up. Yep, i do this for me, so i don't mind if anyone doesn't read or if they do. So yeah. 

Surprise, surprise, i can't sleep. My mind just won't shut up. About what i'm not exactly sure, but it keeps wandering to stupid shit. For example, take this stupidity, i have been preparing to get a Drobo to prevent loosing data (side note, the drive that "died" with my music on it, came back alive, wtf? i'm 99% sure that sucker had a head crash too) so i've been backing shit up on a 1tb drive which will join three other 1tb drives in there. (getting the four drive one, even though i'd love the biggest one) What knocked my socks off is how in the fuck did i acquire 608gb of music and video?? (almost all legally too, i'm sure the video is most of that, with the high def tv shows gotten off of itunes adding to a lot), still, that's a shit load of stuff. Currently at 162gb of photos too, yikes, i've taken almost 30,000 photos. It boggles. (and i'm sure swearing a shit load, lol. probably because the pain killers are kicking in, lol) So i'm going to be glad i will have a good back up for the photos in case a hard drive kicks it, instead of the many, many dvds (you do the math, at 4gb or so a dvd, and 162gb to back up). I'm sad i did loose a hd once that had baby bunny pictures of francis, but i had printed out some, so i have those (baby bunny, cutest thing in the world). I'm also seeing how good and bad it is to have pictures of exs. Good in that my memory is crap (had a good idea about how immortals would only have a memory of ten to twenty years to keep from going mad, kind of a short story idea, but not sure where to go with it, something like they would end up as crazy seeming homeless or something) so it's nice to see them, (and many were hotties, sadly not all the photos of many of the earlier ones though) but it takes me back thinking about what went wrong. So many times me, just being stupid or something, or them just growing out of love or whatever. I counted, fifteen official girlfriends, and thankfully i remember each of their names (spellings on some, not so much, odd spellings and such) and not even counting the ones who probably wanted to date me (i can be really, really dense when being flirted with, as i've been told many times before, and if i admit it, i didn't quite believe they would like someone like me) and i honestly loved each and every one. Even if my stupid fear of abandonment took over and pushed the person away. You have no idea how glad i am that that got (mostly) taken care of, mostly with finding out what went on as a child and why i repressed that much. (even if i don't really remember it clearly, it explains a lot of where my thoughts come from and all that shit) Here's a stupid thing, i don't know if it's the meds, but i'm breaking out like a teenager, ugh, and that stupid obsession i have won't let me leave them alone, i keep picking at them. And then i'll pick at the scabs. Sigh... I probably look like a meth head, but you know, fat. Yeah, that's attractive, lol. It's funny (and this is a weird diversion) i'm normally kind of a hypochondriac (not officially, more jokingly, me and an ex joked that i always had monkey pox, so over the top it was unlikely), so it's funny i'm kind of annoyed at the whole coverage of the swine flu thing. Yeah, people being dead and all that, but the odds of a civilization ending pandemic? The big one during WW1 killed many, many millions, and there was a world war, and humanity is even more than it was then. Not to mention all the nutjobs coming out saying it is terrorism (most likely cause reported so far is the industrial farms, where this always ends up coming from) and wanting to build a wall around Mexico. And i wonder why people always seem to let me down (not always true, but in general, it seems so more than not). Speaking of ranty, this is starting to sound so. :P

On a brighter note

It seems i haven't had a migraine in a good while. (crosses fingers) So while i've had a root canal, back injury, stomach trouble, and a visit or two to the urgent care, i haven't had a migraine. ;)

Midlife crisis?

I'm probably using it wrong, but i'm kind of feeling it. I was going through my iPhoto library and tagging photos of people, and it was kind of making  me think of the past and people from it. I'm a bit of a broken record on this count, friends who died, like seeing pictures of them and remembering the good times, but then it hits me that i will never have those again with them. I know it's not all about me, but i'm the one in my head, and not in others, and my life is the only one i really have control over, so yeah. Then there are the exs that kept saying how they didn't want to ever get married or have kids, and now are one or both. Even ones i stayed friends with, it's kind of frustrating. I know i'm not perfect, and definitely have my quirks, but then i see people who are horrible people who have families. Good times. It's a good thing i have hobbies, but hobbies only go so far. Hell, part of the main reason i babble on the blogs is too talk about things. I talk to the bunnies, but they just kind of look at me like "yeah, yeah, now about the treats?" 

So along the lines of midlife crisis, i might need a sports car, or more my style, one of these. Yes, i realize it would probably keep me from getting a date even more, but i'm starting to not care what others think of me (even if it would probably be correct)

insomnia and the future

So i'm sitting here upstairs in the computer room, where it's humid and probably too warm (put over six computers in a room together and it tends to get warm, one winter when i was running them a lot, i kept the window open and it never got under 70F, ugh. It was below zero that time). Why i'm writing here, i don't know. What i'm saying, i don't know either. I just can't sleep lately, well, not true, i sleep, only when i'm exhausted and have had a second vicodin and other meds. I don't look forward to the dreams i have been having, or the waking up and realizing where life is either. Although i do look forward the bunns, that's a good thing. I used to look to the future with a bit of wonder, the realm of possibility, where anything can happen. Lately it seems it's more i see the future as a place where even more people i care about will die or leave, more doctor visits, and more people letting me down (not those close, but people as a species). I haven't posted a picture on any of the blogs lately as i just haven't been able to get up the motivation to do anything really. Most of what gave me please in life just doesn't seem to have a point, it's like being on a treadmill, going nowhere but knowing you're going nowhere and all that work doesn't mean a thing. God, where did my passion go? Was it so many people i care about passing? I looked up to them, saw them as more talented and stronger than me, yet there they went. If they couldn't make it, what chance do i have? Although i have kept going, not really by choice, but oh well. 

Probably doesn't help that my birthday is in a couple weeks, 39, one year to 40. Ugh... Not looking forward to that in the least. Never really thought i would make it to 30, so that's something. Even though the last decade has been a wash, zero progress, not counting the bunnies, which are the only good thing those years. It's like any progress gets erased not long after, but with more a push back. Sort of like, here is a +1, then later, but you also get this -2, too bad. Just feeling impossible to get back to the positive. I know all the different thoughts, that this is temporary, life is loss, that sort of thing. I have no idea how to see that though. I can see there is more to the world than "this", the universe just keeps rubbing my face in it. 

I think it's time i took that bath i thought about a little while ago, and read more. That seems to get my mind off things, at least a little. 

:P